I recently received the following question below from someone who felt detached from their surroundings when communicating with others. As this is something I also went through, I thought I would address this issue.
‘A lot of the time when I am in a social situation my mind goes blank, I feel disconnected from reality and the conversation itself. This either leads me to say barely anything at all or I end up just rambling as I try to cover up my discomfort. This is having such a negative impact on my life, I just want to know why this is happening and what can I do to overcome it?’
This issue really comes down to a fear of social interaction which brings on a temporary feeling of depersonalisation. Chronic depersonalisation is mainly created due to the brain feeling under constant threat through a barrage of fear and worry whereas this is only present when interacting with others and so is more temporary than persistent.
People who experience this state often complain of the following
- Feeling spaced out, in a dream-like state
- Unable to think of anything to say, mind going blank
- Extremely self-conscious
- Feeling fearful and anxious
- Inability to think straight or clearly
- A need to get the conversation over with
This feeling of dissociating from reality when in conversation is far more common with someone who suffers from social anxiety rather than general anxiety. This is due to it mainly being driven by low self-esteem, leading to a fear of being judged or rejected.
Because of this, the person can find themselves living more in their head rather than participating in the conversation, be it worrying about how they are coming across, what kind of impression they are leaving, or if the feeling of anxiety or strangeness will present itself.
It is very hard to feel part of a conversation when all our attention is on ourselves
As your awareness can only focus on one thing at a time and is now mostly directed internally, you end up barely listening to what the other person is saying. This then causes you to feel detached from the interaction, creating more fear and anxiety, and so you internalise more.
Due to the fact that the person now has multiple thoughts and fears going on at once, the brain then feels under threat and so it goes into protection mode. This is why you begin to feel detached from your surroundings, as though you are no longer part of reality. Think of it as a computer going slow because it has too many windows open, or freezing up completely as it can’t handle the overload of information.
Unfortunately, this can become a vicious cycle as the more detached the person feels, the more fearful and internal they become which only exaggerates these feelings. They then usually worry about the next social interaction and if it will happen again, which usually means it will.
This can lead to them avoiding social situations unless they really have to. The trouble is that this only feeds into their subconscious mind that there is a problem in communicating with others, and so the fear only increases.
How to overcome this feeling of detachment around others
Understand that this feeling is totally harmless, it is no more than a natural part of the defence mechanism in the brain that is protecting you from what it perceives as an immediate threat. Knowing this feeling is temporary and utterly harmless can help towards you fearing it less, and as this is all about turning the fear down, it is an important part of overcoming this frustrating experience.
Let go of any negative thoughts you have about yourself
Acknowledge that people are not judging you as you think they are. It is just you judging yourself and believing others see you as you do. A lot of people who suffer from social anxiety get nervous as they put people on pedestals. They look at others as though they are better than them due to how they feel about themselves, hence why they are worried about being judged and accepted.
The truth is we are all exactly the same, no one is better than anyone else. The only difference is the thoughts people have about themselves. Learn to let go of any thoughts that bring you down or try to tell you who you are. Realise they are not reality, they do nothing but create a false version of who you think you are.
Work on building your self-esteem and practice self-care
The main cause of social anxiety is due to not being comfortable with who you are. So it is vital NOT to look for acceptance outside of yourself but within.
Increasing self-esteem is another subject in itself, but there are many things you can do to feel better about yourself. One includes looking after yourself by eating well, exercising and being kind to yourself.
Learn to let go of the toxic people in your life who bring you down and surround yourself with people who make you feel better about yourself. Try to give up any bad habits. Get in shape. Start walking in nature. Join a Buddhist or meditation class. Take up new hobbies and interests that are in line with what you enjoy, anything that feeds your soul.
Learn to look after your physical and mental health the best you can. The truth is, the better you feel about yourself, the more comfortable you will feel around others.
Live in the present and not in your head
When socialising, learn to come out of your head more so that you are more engaged in the conversation. Learn to concentrate on the other person rather than how you feel.
If some anxiety is there initially, allow it to be so. Don’t try and do anything to control it or get rid of it. Just allow any anxiety to be present. Anxiety left alone weakens all by itself. Worrying about it only increases it and places your awareness on what is going on internally rather than the conversation.
One key thing I learnt is to no longer care if my brain tripped out and I felt a sense of detachment, if it happened then it happened. When you no longer care or are concerned about it, the fear weakens dramatically and as it is your fear that actually creates it, then you will find it doesn’t happen, or if it does, it is much milder. Also, by no longer caring, you will find that you are far less self-absorbed than normal, which in turn allows you to be more present.
Don’t avoid social interactions
Keep mixing with others. Teach your brain that there is no threat when being around others. Even if you start small by talking to your neighbour instead of retreating, engaging in conversation with a cashier or making small talk with a stranger at a bus stop.
Maybe build up to joining a new class or take up some form of volunteering, anything that puts you in a position where you engage more with others. The more you practice and the more comfortable you get with social situations, the less anxiety you will feel.
Don’t try and put on a performance or create a character you think others want to see in an attempt to gain acceptance. Again this just puts you back in your head trying to be someone you are not or trying to say things you think people want to hear. This only leads to the conversation feeling forced and unauthentic.
Don’t rehearse a conversation or try to think about what you will say. Don’t feel like you have to be witty or cover any silences, just let it happen naturally and spontaneously.
Accept yourself as you are and accept how things go. Don’t judge yourself if it doesn’t go as you would like initially. With practice and perseverance, things will gradually improve.
The key to overcoming this is frustrating experience is about reducing your fear of it and learning to come out of your head. If you follow the tips above, you will find your confidence increases and your anxiety around others will begin to weaken. Also, when you learn to be less inside your head, your awareness will then automatically switch to the outside world and you will feel more present around others.
- Why does my mind go blank when talking with others? - 7th March 2022
- The Ultimate Guide to How I Overcame Anxiety and Fear - 6th June 2021
- Does the self help market really work or is it a scam? - 24th November 2020
Such an excellent post, thank you Paul!!!
All your comments that you have written this is exactly like I feel that everyone is better than me. I have tried to be.ieve what others have told me about myself., but I don’t or cannot except what they are saying I’m like, I think I am much worse.
Great post as usual. I’ve been following this website since 2009 and have bought both books. Annoyingly my anxiety comes and goes in about half a year episodes. Something I really struggle with and wondered if you had any insight on is the “lack of interest to do anything/lack of interest in life”. When I was much younger (38 now) I was a very happy go lucky guy with many strong interests but always had panic attacks from time to time and would be scared of buses and exam rooms in case I needed the loo or something. I call these my “simple anxiety” years. Just before graduating in 2008 I had a really scary thought of “I could just end it all right now” and my whole world/life changed. I felt completely removed from the world and my personality/sense of self vanished and never really had it fully back. I just lost the desire for anything and get panic attacks of pure despair because it’s my mind I fear as opposed to something in the real world…so there’s no escape. I used to have this phrase, “the want to want”, like I really want to want to do something/feel passion/lust for life in any area IE relationship/career/hobbies…anything really.
So I guess my question is, does anxiety cause this lack of interest or is it just me. Because at the moment, I spend most of my time on my bed not doing much. And no matter how detrimental I know that is, if I try to do anything productive or something I feel like I should be doing to help me, even a change in attitude as described in your books, my anxiety/depressive feelings increase. I try to do the “do nothing” as stated in your books, but if I feel like I don’t want to get better, cos I hate life or something, does that mean it’s hopeless for me? Like I’m stuck in some kind of loop that prevents me from the “giving in/acceptance” attitude that’s needed for recovery. Does this feel familiar to anyone else?
I hope there’s still hope for me yet, it’s been a long 15 year battle on and off.
(Disclaimer: I don’t want my experience to dampen/hinder anyone elses experience. I think these are great books/advice that I recommend to others a lot. I’m just scared that it feels like I have all the knowledge but none of the ability/desire to get better, despite wanting to…when feeling like I don’t lol).
This post managed to sum up 15 years of me fighting with this kind of anxiety. I had been wondering for so long why this is happening and nobody could ever give me an explanation. I went so far as to think that I have some sort of dissociative mental disorder, but now and again I would find myself in a situation where it just wouldn’t happen so it left me even more perplexed. This sums it up perfectly. I now understand the mechanism behind it, but it is so difficult to put it into practice and not be bothered by it. Thank you for the post!
I have never left any comments on my pad before,and I am not IT literate
I started with my anxiety and horrible feelings when I was sixteen and from the age of sixteen I just didn’t have a life just getting up going to bed it wasn’t a life,
I am now Seventy five and I managed to have some good years and some terrible and frightening ones because I never told anyone the symptoms that I was suffering
I have 3 children 7 grandchildren and 2 great-grandchildren and try to be a normal loving gran to them all but I only really confide in my husband
I managed to read Paul’s books and the help and relief I got were tremendous
Since the Covid lockdown, I have gone back to my old ways and finding it very hard to get back to the happy person I was becoming
I also seem to notice not many people my age leave comments I just wonder if you get worse with all these feelings when you get older or is it because like me I was too afraid and embarrassed to ask for help because I felt too old but I feel a young 75
I have started reading Paul’s first book again and it is really helping ‘just wish I could have got the years back I missed because I was afraid of going mad but I did achieve bringing my family up and have a loving loyal husband and I am trying to not be afraid of these awful feelings
Hi,
Thanks to Pauls’s book, I have lost all of my fears and can’t even imagine how I feared everything and am doing great and have immense mental clarity compared to when I first entered the anxiety loop.
Many times I have had excellent days, weeks and even months which shows that I am doing nothing wrong
However, I do feel quite tired and sometimes when on really bad days, I feel really zapped and have no energy to continue working and have to literally push my body for small tasks which feels like doing an ultramarathon.
What generally happens with me is that during setbacks/bad days, I feel immensely like that which is pretty normal being sensitised.
I work remotely and not for very long hours and am not in a very stressful job.
Also, my family is quite supportive.
I do take breaks in my work citing some reason or the other. I am really confused as to what to do with my work, as to take a break for some time, if yes how many days, weeks or no.
All these questions popped up after encountering a bad phase after having excellent days or probably weeks or even a month.
If anyone who has recovered can help me out with this small hindrance, it would be of a great help
Hi everyone i have read both books and have helped me tremendously but now i am stuck it is confusing for me how should i allow my thoutghts if they jump from one thing to another then i get trapped into questioning should i need to allow the image and the chatter then i get scared why i dont have the chatter and only the images but if i allow it consumes my day then i get scared should allow my questioning im confused can anyone help me. Sorry for my english it is my second language
Thanks.
Hello, I have a question I’m hoping you can help with. I’m on the road to recovery, but dealing with all day anxiety/thoughts/racing mind. I know from the book I need to just live my life, but I’m wondering if it helps to take time off from work to allow my body to recover? My symptoms are always much worse at work since my work environment is pretty stressful. Is it better for recovery to just continue working or take some time away and fill that with other things that don’t elevate my symptoms all day long? Thank you!