Anxiety and Setbacks
When you finally find some answers to the anxiety condition and build up a better understanding of it then you may start to feel better. You begin to understand that you are not going crazy and that so many others go through the same thing.
This in itself can bring sudden feelings of joy and real hope that you will overcome this condition and you may have a period of real freedom and think this whole thing is behind you. Unfortunately, this hope and joy only lasts until you hit another setback with your anxiety.
When you hit a setback with anxiety, you can feel like you have lost all your progress and wisdom on the subject and so feel as though you are right back at square one and have made no progress at all. This can really flatten and dishearten you and make you believe you will never be free. This is because you don’t understand that setbacks are all part of the process of recovery.
What are setbacks with anxiety and why do we have them?
One vital part of understanding is recognising that we will have setbacks when recovering from anxiety; they are part of the process involved in becoming the person you once were. Recovery does not always work in straight lines and can be an up and down affair. Once we realise that fact it can help us tremendously, as too many people let these times throw them back into total despair.
A setback is not to be confused with feeling a little up and down throughout recovery; this is normal. I went from having no good days to having good and bad days. I was very happy with this as it proved to me that I was moving forward.
I would describe a real setback as a period during which you feel you are back to square one and that everything you have gained has gone. You feel as anxious, empty and lost as you have ever done, scrambling around again for answers and questioning everything once more.
Setbacks with anxiety are all part of the process
Through your recovery, you may start to realise and have real glimpses of the fact that the old you is still there and that the real you just got buried underneath all of your symptoms. You also finally understand why you feel this way and what kept you in the cycle, so things get easier. You may feel a freedom that you have not felt for some time and everything seems rosy. You feel you are finally moving forward.
This was me after finally understanding my condition and starting to reverse this process. I started to make small steps to becoming the person I was before I suffered. I had some days of real clarity, clear thinking and freedom, almost like I could touch the person I once was. I started to live more, smile more and feel more and more like the old me.
Then, wham, I felt like I was back to square one and so foolishly tried desperately to recreate how I had felt previously, but nothing worked. I started to question everything once again “Why did I feel so well last week and now back to this? What have I done wrong? Finally concluding that this is me forever and that I will never be free”.
These were just some of the statements that had me worrying again and trying to think, fight and scramble my way back to how I felt the week before. I was back to ‘googling’ symptoms, worrying and filling myself with self-pity. I had basically returned to the full anxiety cycle – but why? Because for some stupid reason I thought I could crack it in a few weeks and that all these years of suffering through a lack of understanding would simply disappear.
So, what did I learn?
I learnt that my body needed to go through many cycles before it was free, that I may have to feel flat and anxious many times before true balance was restored. Yes, the feeling of freedom last week was great, but now I need to make way for another period of healing to happen. I realised that when I felt anxious once again my body still needed to purge some more anxious energy.
When my mind started to feel noisy and busy again, it still needed to release some more of its momentum and that it also needed to heal from everything I had put it through previously.
This process was not going to be a bliss process, in fact, it would be like a detox process and not very pleasant at times. All I could do was to stay open towards it. If I felt anxious, then fine. If I felt down and flat, then fine. If I felt detached, then fine, if my mind was spewing out random/fearful thoughts then fine.
It did not matter what the first words in the sentence were, the last part was always the same – it’s fine. It had to be fine, as the truth was I had no control over it anyway, it was a process I had to go through if I wanted to come out the other side.
Setbacks are when real healing is taking place
So, setbacks were actually a good thing. They were the result of my mind and body freeing up old energies and going through a process of healing. They were just doing what they needed to do to heal. All I could do was step back and allow them to do so, however unpleasant it felt.
Previously I had spent years trying to interfere and manipulate my experience, trying to feel better, different, fix myself and it just made things worse. My real problem is that I wanted an instant way out, one that didn’t entail any kind of suffering and so the healing process was never allowed to truly happen.
This is what true allowing is. It is accepting that you have no control and just leaving it to your mind and body to heal themselves. To truly heal and recover, a drug addict has to go through a period of withdrawal – a detox. This is the mind and body’s way of getting the toxins out of the system and in doing so it feels unpleasant. But without this process, there is no recovery.
It does not mean because it is unpleasant that something has gone wrong. Their mind and body are just going through the process they need to get rid of the toxins. The addict has zero control over this process. All they can do is sit back and wait it out. Whatever they do will make no difference.
It is the same thing when recovering from anxiety. You have to go through a process of feeling uncomfortable as all the old anxious energies come up to be released. This anxious energy is what is stored within the body and was created by you. You created this energy mainly through a process of stress and worry and so when you feel anxious it is your bodies way of trying to release it.
Events and situations are not the reason for this energy release. They are not the reason for you feeling anxious, they are just what triggers this release of anxious energy.
You won’t always feel at your best mentally either, as your mind needs to heal from the exhaustion it now feels, through everything you have previously put it through, it also needs to go through a process of healing and needs a real break to do so. It may feel very grotty, noisy and fearful at times, this is totally normal in your current state so just allow yourself to fall into any mind state without identifying with it.
How you feel is not important, it is how allowing you are of it that is. It is the allowing that gives you mind the break it needs. Never try and fix the mind with the mind, through struggle, effort and more thinking, you are just creating more of a disturbance, keeping it constantly busy and tiring it out further and so it never gets the chance to heal.
To reach peace you have to go through a period of non-peace. Once you finally allow yourself to feel the way you do, all the past energies come up and the mind and body releases so much and then as it would be too much to do it all at once, it takes a break and then later goes into another stage of release.
This is exactly how it felt to me and is the reason that I felt freer than ever after a setback, as a big chunk of anxious energy had left me and my mind had gone through a period of real rest and come back even more refreshed. Then this process would happen on and off until finally all the healing was taken care of.
So truly understand that setbacks all part of the process and that in fact, they are a good thing, as when you feel this way, you know your mind and body are in the process of healing. Sometimes when you are in the middle of a setback, you may feel we have lost our knowledge and understanding. Trust me, you haven’t.
All the progress and knowledge is never lost. Once this period of release and healing is over, all the knowledge and understanding comes back. It is just like the sun hidden behind the clouds. Once the clouds part the sun will come back out again.
How long a setback lasts is not important, what is important is your attitude and willingness to allow it, no matter how long it takes.
Read more on how to overcome anxiety