How I Overcame Social Anxiety

Social anxiety, also known as social phobia, affects around 6% of the UK population. It affects men and women equally and is a fear of social situations and interactions, mainly based around the fear of being judged.

Due to this fear, sufferers will go out of their way to avoid social situations. This then leads to the brain believing there is danger in being around others. Thus, it creates an over-reactive fear response to a normal experience. This is where it can become a catch-22 situation, as the very places that can help the sufferer recover are the very things they avoid the most.

But in my personal experience and with helping others overcome their social phobia, I have found that the root cause is mainly due to how the person views themselves. The core belief running in the background is that you are not as worthy or as interesting as other people, which is why a large percentage of sufferers suffer from low self-esteem. Sufferers are so busy judging themselves negatively that they believe others are too.

So it is not just about getting comfortable with others and situations through a process of non-avoidance; it is just as important to get comfortable with yourself. When you begin to judge yourself more positively, then you care far less about others judging you, which is what so much of social anxiety is built around.

Common behaviours and emotions when suffering from Social Anxiety

An irrational fear when interacting and communicating with others

Feeling a strong urge to escape the conversation

Feeling like things are closing in

Not knowing what to say, your mind goes blank

Rushing and stumbling over your words

Analysing everything you said or did later

Mentally checking in to see how you are feeling

Worried about how you are coming across

Making excuses as to why you can’t stop and chat

Trying to sink into the background or excessive use of your phone, so no one approaches you

Constantly making excuses not to attend social gatherings

Needing alcohol or some form of drug to cope around others

Physical symptoms of social anxiety

Racing heart

Sticky palms

Racing mind

Blushing

Feeling light-headed

Trembling

Feeling closed in

Feeling nauseated

A sense of detachment from your environment

My own story of overcoming social anxiety

Before I suffered from anxiety, I was a happy and confident person. Social situations never bothered me in the slightest. I would not say I could talk in front of a thousand people, but generally, I was pretty confident and had no trouble whatsoever around others. 

When anxiety first hit me, I worried continuously about what was causing the sensations I was feeling. I thought deeply, day in, day out, trying to figure a way out of my own personal hell.

With this extra worry and stress on my already tired mind and body, I began to feel more anxious than ever. Not only that, but by being so self-absorbed and concerned about myself regularly, I was starting to feel detached from my surroundings.

Due to this constant self-focus, I also started to feel very self-aware of myself and my actions, and with the added feeling of detachment, it became challenging for me to follow or hold a conversation. This led me to either wanting to run away from interacting with others or babbling on as I tried to hide how I felt.

It was at this point that I started avoiding talking to people, and I was perceived as ignorant more than once. I don’t blame people for this perception of me, and as far as I was concerned, that was far better than having to go and talk to others. I just found it so difficult to hold a conversation, and I never enjoyed it or felt part of it.

The reason I initially developed social anxiety was not that I feared people; it was because I found conversations so difficult. It was then, through my continued avoidance of others, that my mind started to associate people with something to fear. Not only that, but through my lack of socialising and how I felt my confidence began to plummet. I had now created what people label as social anxiety.

My mind was innocent during this process. It was just doing what it was designed to do and was protecting me from what I had been avoiding for so long, thinking that because of my previous actions, there was danger in being around others.

Not feeling part of the conversation

The main reason I felt detached from any conversation was that I always thought I had to hide how I felt. I thought I had to keep a lid on things and get through it without the other person noticing how I was feeling.

Of course, because of this, I never felt part of the conversation as all my focus was on me, my inner state and how I was performing. I was not in any way present or engaged in the conversation, and so it was pretty much always a disaster.

It was like trying to hold a conversation with someone while reading a book. It was just impossible to focus on two things at once, and it now started to make sense as to why I never felt part of it or enjoyed it.

When my social anxiety began to improve

When I finally built up my understanding and found some answers to the way I was feeling, a lot of my symptoms began to leave me, and I was able to mix a bit better, although conversations on some level continued to be difficult.

Depending on who I was around, I could still feel a little uncomfortable and not fully present, not as much as I once did, but there was still some anxiety hanging around. Although this progress was welcome, and I started to mix a little more, I still wasn’t where I wanted to be; I wanted full freedom from this condition and not just minor improvements.

The first major breakthrough for me was to realise that people were not the problem here. My social anxiety had nothing to do with them. It was not people I was afraid of; it was the feeling of fear that I didn’t want to feel, and so to avoid experiencing it, I thought the answer was to avoid others.

Finally, seeing that I was blaming the wrong thing for my anxiety was huge for me. I realised that avoiding people was not the answer, and I was blaming the wrong thing for my fear. This insight helped me shift the blame away from them, which, in turn, helped turn down my mind’s fear reaction.

This shift could only be achieved by teaching my mind that I was fine and in no danger around others. One way to show it was through my actions of non-avoidance. It was avoidance that created this reaction, and so the opposite was the key to reversing it.  I also needed to bring a deep awareness to the old subconscious thought patterns running within my mind.

I had to begin to see through these faulty thoughts that were causing so much fear and avoidance, and bring real awareness to them. I had to realise that my mind’s view of myself and others was utterly false. I was no less interesting or important than anyone else, and other people were not something to be avoided.

Previously, I had taught my subconscious mind to see people as something to avoid. As soon as I saw a person I might have to speak with, my mind’s reaction was instant: “Oh no, here we go again, quick get it over with” or “This person won’t like you or find you interesting”. These subconscious thought patterns were what I had to bring deep awareness to and no longer identify with and follow like a puppet.

The misleading thoughts were OK to still come through habit, but I would no longer put belief into them, and so would no longer be fooled or run by them. I had to take charge here and see through and override my faulty thinking patterns. This was the only way to change the core beliefs I had developed about myself. I didn’t need to fight them or try and cover them up with positive affirmations; I just needed to stop putting belief into them

Realisations that helped free me from social anxiety

The main reason I found freedom from my social anxiety was that I no longer followed my mind’s initial response to escape and began to regain control and make my own decisions. I always had this power; I just never used it.

I could have carried on following my mind’s reaction like a puppet for the rest of my life and continued to avoid and get nowhere. But I started to see how nonsensical it all was and that there was no real danger in being around others, and began to override my mind’s fear reaction by staying put.

I did feel uncomfortable initially as my old fear reaction would continue to come, but eventually, through continued doing, my brain realised that I was fine and so started to turn the fear reaction down.

By staying on this path, I was moving forward and training my mind that being in the company of others was normal and of no threat. There was nothing to fear or run away from, and it was finally accepting that message. While I ran away or avoided the situation, I was sending the message that there was a problem, and so the same fear reaction would continue.

I realised the only language my mind understood was my actions; it would always respond to the feedback I was sending it. The mind is a survival machine and was just trying to protect me. When it finally got the message that I was no longer in danger, this reaction would no longer be triggered.

By continuing this way, I began to feel far less anxious and far less self-conscious. I was now sending all the right signals to my mind through my actions – “Look, there is nothing to protect me from. I’m fine now; there is no danger here”.

If it could speak back, it would have said, ‘Yes, I’m getting that now, and I’m turning the fear response down for you, but before, you were telling me the opposite by avoiding people, and so I was just doing my job and keeping you safe.’

My reply was, ‘I know, sorry, it was my fault, I realise you were just doing what you were designed to do and following the message I was sending to you.’

You don’t need to fear, fear

With this new fearless approach, things just got so much easier, and the old me – the person who could chat away freely-was slowly coming back. I no longer had the urge to find a quick exit or avoid eye contact, and the self-defeating thoughts to escape were no longer present. The new habit had become me, and without the usual fear response, there was no longer an instinct to retreat; I was back in charge.

I am not saying the above is easy initially; it isn’t, as every instinct tells you to do the opposite and retreat. That is why the fear reaction is there in the first place; it has that pull to follow it and escape, but you always have the power to override this pull. By overriding it, you are teaching your mind that it is not needed, and so it begins to turn this reaction down.

You do have the power to allow yourself to feel this fear reaction within, without following it. These emotions can’t harm you; they are just a reaction created in the mind and an energy shift in the body. If you want to progress in anything, then you have to feel uncomfortable to feel comfortable again. Are you willing to do that to regain your freedom?

Growth is never a simple path, and you may have setbacks along the way; there will be times when you feel uncomfortable. But trust me, when you get to the end of it, you become a different person, you become even stronger because of it. Nothing is better than regaining your freedom the right way. You just have to take the first steps, be brave and patient, and the rewards at the end will be huge.

Learning to drop all your fake personas and masks

As discussed previously, another reason for my social anxiety persisting was that I never felt comfortable in my own skin. A lot of social anxiety comes from people not feeling comfortable with who they are, which can then lead to them thinking they are not as good as the person they are talking to.

It can then feel like a trial to impress, and a lot of thoughts can come up, like, ‘How am I doing? ‘Do they like me? ‘Do they notice how I am feeling?’ This inner dialogue can really affect the interaction, as it no longer felt like a conversation for me but a way of proving myself.

Due to what I had been through, I had lost a lot of confidence, and because I didn’t particularly like myself, I presumed others wouldn’t. Due to this, I felt myself trying to be someone else to gain their acceptance and fell into a lot of people-pleasing habits. I felt truly inauthentic playing a role, and the feedback I was getting from others through trying to people-please only made me feel worse about myself, so I tried even harder. It was a terrible cycle to fall into until I saw it.

This role also became increasingly difficult and exhausting to keep up with, and was another reason I avoided social interaction.  I realised very quickly that this wasn’t the answer to my problems. To get over this, I needed to regain my confidence and find and be myself once again.

I got to the point where I played so many different characters that I lost who I was as a person, and I could never hope to feel comfortable around others when I didn’t even feel comfortable in myself.

Finding the true me again was a process and is another subject entirely, and something I cover in both my books, but a big starting point was to no longer try to gain other people’s acceptance through people-pleasing or trying to be someone I thought others wanted me to be.

The real you is always there; you only lose it when you start to try to become someone you are not for the acceptance of others. In doing this, you end up taking on the role of the character you have created; you become a bunch of masks and fake personas instead of who you truly are.

It is never about trying to be yourself; it is about no longer trying to be someone else, then all you are left with is you.

Overcoming Social Anxiety can take time

To overcome social anxiety, you have to take the long road and not the short road of trying to avoid being uncomfortable, which in the long run only increases your discomfort around others. The long road will still involve you feeling uncomfortable around others initially, but don’t see this as a negative; see it as you regaining your life.

The more you allow yourself to feel anxious around others without trying to escape, the more you are training your mind that there is nothing to fear in social interactions. Remember, people don’t see your discomfort as much as you think; in fact, they probably don’t even notice at all, so learn to take your attention off how you are feeling and put it on the conversation.

Finally, learn to observe and disidentify from the negative thought patterns in your mind that feed your social anxiety. These can be thoughts of not being as interesting as others or thoughts telling you that you are not safe and need to escape. None of these thoughts are true and are just present due to your past actions or your putting belief in them.

Above all, learn to drop all your masks and people-pleasing behaviours and rediscover the genuine you. The more genuine you are, the more comfortable you will feel around others, and the more people will relate to you.

My book At Last a Life has sold over 200,000 copies worldwide and tells the story of how I recovered from 10 years of anxiety and panic.

If you’re tired of trying endless techniques and just want your life back, At Last a Life explains the understanding and approach that helped me fully recover and has helped countless others do the same.

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