Why is life making me suffer?
I used to ask myself this very question, as I always seemed to be in some form of suffering. Yes, I would have some good days along the way, but I spent most of my time unhappy and always seemed to be worrying about something or other.
Life always seemed to be against me, and wouldn’t fall into my ideal of how it should be; nothing seemed to go right, and people didn’t act in the way I wanted or say what I thought they should say.
I was always searching for what was missing while thinking the outside could provide it, and so that’s where I looked. I thought, ‘I just need that promotion, a new car, a new partner, my own home, and then I will finally be happy,’ yet I achieved most of these things, and still peace and happiness eluded me.
I also thought I had to manipulate the world into what I wanted it to be to find peace and happiness. If only I could get others to act how I wanted, then I would finally be OK. I concluded, like so many others do, that it was the fault of the outside world and others that made me unhappy and that I just needed to make sure the outside world and others fell into line with my idea of how things should be, and then peace of mind and happiness would follow.
This peace of mind and happiness is what everyone is looking for; they aren’t looking for the new car as a possession; they are looking for how it will make them feel. But how can a lump of metal ever make you feel happy inside? It can’t; it will never fill that lack inside. Nothing on the outside can.
I genuinely believe that is why so many people suffer these days, as we are constantly bombarded with how we should look, how much money we should have, what material things we need, what job we require, and what kind of relationship we should have. That, unless we achieve these things, we can’t be happy. Unfortunately, the consumer market only has one interest, and your inner happiness is not one of them.
I finally realised that finding peace and happiness is an inside job and that the outside may bring snippets here and there, but I won’t find true peace and joy out there if I don’t already feel it within.
Blaming the outside can harm our friendships and relationships.
Blaming the outside for how we feel is also why many friendships and relationships can break down, as we mistakenly blame the other person for our emotional disturbance and unhappiness.
Because we blame them for how we are feeling, we may lash out or think that changing them is the answer to our happiness, which can lead to so much friction and arguments.
We can end up lashing out at others because we genuinely believe that this is what is causing us to feel the way that we do. It is the same with life; if we honestly think that life is making us suffer, then we attempt to manipulate it. When this doesn’t work, we become angry, frustrated, and stressed, and so, of course, we suffer.
You have no control over others
The simple truth is that we have no control over how others act, who they are is hardwired into them and the result of the experiences they have had in life. If they truly aren’t the person for you and the majority of their behaviour genuinely does make you unhappy, then in most cases, you have the choice to leave the relationship or friendship behind.
But if you genuinely love and care for that person and want more peace and less drama in your friendships and relationships, then begin to accept them as they are. Even if they have little quirks that annoy you, try to recognise that no one is perfect.
Celebrate the fact that we are all different; you cannot mould someone into who you want them to be. All attempts will ultimately end up with them resenting you, causing significant conflict and, in some cases, leading to you losing that person.
In my days of suffering, I lost a couple of relationships and a good friendship, as I, too, eventually blamed them for how I was feeling. I concluded that if I was suffering, then it had to be them. It was only when I took a break and stepped back that I realised that I was the cause of all the friction and drama and that I was just projecting and blaming the other person for how I was feeling. As a result, the inevitable break-up followed.
It was at this point that I realised that I was doing the same thing with life. I was blaming my lack of happiness and inner peace on life itself. I honestly thought my life was the reason I was suffering, and so I either spent all my time complaining about it or trying to manipulate it and then getting angry when it wouldn’t fall into place.
I would complain when it rained, complain when I was stuck in traffic, moan when the shop ran out of milk, get angry if someone cancelled on me, the list was endless.
The irony is that all the things I thought were causing me suffering, I didn’t have one ounce of control over. Yet, there I was, spending my whole day complaining about them!! There were people in the world who had no food, water, or transportation and could only dream of going to the shop to buy food, driving a car, and being stuck in traffic, or having water drop from the sky so they could quench their thirst, and there I was, complaining about it all.
I started to understand now that my suffering and my breakdown were not due to life but my non-acceptance of life as it was. It began to make sense why I was constantly stressed and unhappy.
My lack of happiness and peace stemmed from my complete resistance to life as it was, and as a result, my mind was never at peace with anything.
If my mind was always disturbed, stressed, worried, and complaining, then it made sense why I was never at peace. Life and others didn’t need to change to suit me; this was all down to my attitude changing.
Accepting that life is full of ups and downs
The end of so much of my suffering was about seeing life and reality as it truly was and making peace with it, even when things didn’t go my way. I never complained when life went well, so why would I complain when it didn’t? Where was the rule made that it must always go our way?
The truth is that life is full of ups and downs, good and bad things will happen, that is the reality of life. But I never accepted this; life always had to go the way I wanted it to, and others had to behave as I thought they should. I was at constant war with my experience and then wondered why I suffered as I did!
It seems utterly crazy to me now that I could have ever believed this was possible and that I could have thought I could find peace with this mindset. The odds of one day going exactly how I felt it should would be over a billion to one, never mind for the rest of my life.
Life didn’t care about me or my needs; it just carried on regardless. I could either accept the reality of life with all its ups and downs, or I could spend all my days suffering by fighting, worrying and getting angry with it. I tried the latter approach for many years, and life always won; it wouldn’t change because I wanted it. I still got stuck in traffic, it continued to rain on my day off, and I still couldn’t find my keys when I was late.
I finally accepted that life was a mixture of ups and downs, highs and lows. Some days, great things would happen, and other days, everything would go wrong. This process is part of life, and those who suffer less are the ones who accept this.
I used to come across people who always seemed to be chilled and calm; nothing seemed to go wrong, and I thought they were just lucky. Looking back now, I realise it had nothing to do with luck; they mainly had the same problems as others, but they just accepted them as part of life. It wasn’t life that created their inner calm; it was their attitude towards it
A true story of how a change in attitude released so much suffering
I have told the story below before, but it is worth repeating, as it had such a profound effect on me and taught me a great deal about how we create much of our own suffering.
It is a story about a man who had fought in the Gulf War, where he lost a leg and half his arm in combat and was bound to a wheelchair for the rest of his life.
He said when he first arrived home, he would argue with everyone around him and snap at his partner and children. He wouldn’t accept any help and started drinking heavily. He felt immense frustration and anger due to his situation and what life had thrown at him, and he fell into a deep depression.
He was on the verge of ending it all until he looked at his daughter sleeping, and a sudden realisation hit him. He finally realised he did have so much to live for and that even with his disability, he could still enjoy life. He may not look like he did before, but inside, he felt like the same person and that it was only the anger at his predicament that was changing his personality.
He said it was at that moment that he fully accepted his situation, and with it, this immense calm came over him. He realised he wasn’t suffering because of being in a wheelchair but because he hadn’t accepted it.
This man went on to represent his country in the Paralympics and now speaks to people all over the country who are in similar situations.
This story hit me very hard when I read it, and it took me back to my non-acceptance of my anxiety that created so much extra suffering. When I initially suffered, I was always fighting against it, arguing with it and feeling sorry for myself; not once did I accept my situation.
I recall feeling a similar sense of peace when I let go and allowed myself to surrender to it. The anxiety was still there, but it felt different now that I had finally allowed its presence, and all the extra suffering created through the resistance to it fell away.
I realised the same principle held true for my life: life wasn’t making me suffer; it was my non-acceptance of the ups and downs of it that did. My suffering was telling me that I wasn’t accepting life and others as they were.
This realisation is a pure scientific principle: if you allow things to be as they are, then there is nothing to stress or worry about, so only peace remains. I am not saying this is easy at first, especially when we are conditioned to react differently, but with practice, it does start to become a more natural way of being.
My first test came when I was out cycling and had my wallet and phone stolen from my car. Apart from the financial cost, this was a major headache for me, as it meant changing all my bank cards, obtaining a new driving licence, and also the hassle of getting a new phone.
But even though all this had happened, I was strangely calm, as if I had an inner knowing that there was nothing I could do about it. What had happened was the reality of the situation, and there was no point getting stressed or worried about it; all I could do was go and sort it out.
I would not say that I always reacted correctly, and at times, I did fall back into old responses. However, overall, there was a significant shift in my attitude, and as a result, I found a great deal more inner peace.
Accepting life as it is
Accepting life as it is doesn’t mean you don’t try to achieve anything; it’s good to succeed, as long as it doesn’t come at the detriment of your health.
It also doesn’t mean you shrug your shoulders and stop caring. It means learning to accept the reality of the situation and then taking the necessary action to resolve it calmly and rationally, and understanding that getting angry and stressed about it only hurts you and does nothing to change the situation.
I know there are things in life that really test us, and I recently found myself in a situation where I couldn’t help but feel the strain. I didn’t try to deny this; I accepted the predicament and did the best I could, allowing the concern to be present while adding no more worry to the mix.
I also realise that some really traumatic things have happened to people in their lives that have caused them a lot of pain, and they may need extra help and support to work through them.
I am reaching out to those who are constantly stressed and worried about everyday problems they can’t control. To help them see that not one person who has lived on this planet has never had anything go wrong. I am not saying this new attitude happens overnight; it doesn’t, but life will present you with opportunities every day to practice, and in time, the new approach becomes automatic.
It is about training your mind to react differently to a situation so it spends more time in a calm space and less time in a frantic, worrying state. The less you worry and stress, the more your mind begins to calm down naturally, and so you start to feel more peace in your life.
So much suffering is self-created
I was the reason I had a breakdown; it wasn’t due to my life or circumstances; it was a wrong vision on my part, a non-acceptance of reality as it was. My life didn’t need to change for me to be happy and find peace, just my relationship with it. My suffering was actually guiding me back to the right path; it forced me to look and change, and so, in that sense, it was a blessing.
You can’t create peace, as it is your natural state
To experience it, simply stop doing the things that are disturbing it.
My worrying, complaining and stressing are what took me away from it. You look at anyone who suffers, and in most cases, you will find a chronic worrier, stressor or someone who always expects things to go their way. Life won’t fall into place for them to no longer suffer; only a change in attitude and perception will.
Life still brings me the same problems and challenges as it did before, but my reactions and ways of dealing with them are entirely different. I no longer spend my time pointlessly complaining or worrying, and due to this, I have much more peace in my life.
This article is taken from a chapter in my follow-up book ‘At last a life and beyond’
My original book, At Last a Life, has sold over 200,000 copies worldwide and tells the story of how I recovered from 10 years of anxiety and panic.
If you’re tired of trying endless techniques and just want your life back, At Last a Life explains the understanding and approach that helped me fully recover and has helped countless others do the same.
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- How core beliefs shape your experience of life - 5th January 2026
- Learning how to deal with difficult emotions - 30th September 2025
- What does it mean to surrender? - 13th February 2025
Thanks a lot, Paul and I think I finally have a chance to talk to You.
I get so much trapped in social situations, and that cause many conflicts in my mind
I have read both of your books and have moved from experiencing anxiety always.
Currently, I could experience some months with no anxiety where everything is easier, good social life and it feels like I never suffered anxiety, and then wham! anxiety kicks in
I’m currently experiencing a setback, and I really experience chaos in social situations…I feel more anxiety in my head than bodily sensations
Tho, I allow my mind but its so difficult to allow anxiety and still do the things like talking to friends etc. I feel a strong resistance(chaos) in my head when I attempt to hold a conversation with some people I had been ignoring due to anxiety. The mental resistance seem automatic and so strong!
And if I manage to hold a conversation too, my mind feels so tired with nothing to say, which makes the conversation terrible and this whole scenario re-inforces me to better ignore to communicate with a group of friends when really anxious.
And My mind keeps obsessing whether I’m doing the right thing,and thoughts like”I need to force and hold conversations if I really want to rewire my mind and gain back my social life” keeps running through my mind and I feel helpless whether Am doing the right thing and I feel I’m acting a whole lot too.
Paul, I have learnt to allow anxiety symptoms from your book and it has brought me this far, but I am really lost with social anxiety despite reading the few you said about it in your books
I apologise if my comment seems complicated but I couldn’t explain it any better and I hope it resonates.
I really need your help
Hi all. Just wondering how everyone handles going to work and recover at the same time? Do some feel the need to take a leave of absence before having a severe mental breakdown due to severe anxiety?
Another great post Paul, thank you for that! Can I ask your opinion on one thing though? you mention that people may need extra help to work through traumatic events that have happened in their lives. What if they didn’t actually care about these things much before they got anxiety but due to having anxiety they seem massive and think constantly about them. Just like irrational thoughts really that stick. Would you say that it’s the anxiety looking for a release? As before these things were never really thought about and if so they were just passing thoughts, memories with no emotional attachment to them.
Elle
Elle, I said that mainly so people wouldn’t start thinking, ‘well my life did make me suffer’ as deeper painful memories are not what the post was about. If you don’t care and have let it go then that’s great, no extra work is needed, others may need to talk through and process their feelings, whatever works best for them.
The anxious energy is the fuel for these thoughts, the energy is manifesting itself and trying to find an outlet and an exhausted mind can also make them feel sticky or like they are stuck on repeat. You can also find old subconscious memories coming up to be released too.
The thoughts really are not important as long as you just allow their presence, don’t identify with them and just let them go. See it as a purification, the more allowing you are, the more old stuff you release. So yes have no emotional attachment to your thoughts. This can take a little practice as we are so used to taking them seriously and so hooking on to them and creating more thinking.
Whenever my mind went noisy, chaotic or thoughts were stuck on repeat, I just relaxed and didn’t try and do anything about it, it was just noise in the background and it would calm down when it had released what it wanted to release and its momentum came down. The content to me was of no importance, even it was only memories coming up, nothing was off-limits.
With this attitude my inner space began to free up, my mind became more silent as I stopped involving myself with the mind’s noise. It was free to be as quiet or as noisy as it wished.
The more you get involved with the mind’s noise, then the noisier it gets, as you are just adding thinking on top of thinking, so you just stir it up more. If you just leave it to blare out what it wishes, seeing it just releasing old memories and garbage, then in time it begins to find its own silence. Whatever you leave alone will come to rest all by itself, that is pure physics and true of everything.
Thank you Paul! I’m sure my mind is just bringing up old garbage to release the energy and I’m making the mistake of getting involved, silly me!
Thanks again Paul, you are the best!??
I hope it’s okay if I repost my text from the previous post. I hope some of you guys can help.
Hey Paul and others,
Paul thank you for your message, but I would be very glad if u could go more into detail with the ‘letting go message’.
Almost every day my mind is racing and I feel kind of dizzy like foggy. When I’m walking I have a feeling of unsureness in my legs, like I’m going to faint / fall.
So my brain is constantly on high alert (it feels like this) and I cannot stop thinking about this feeling of ‘uncertainty’ – a feeling like something bad is about to happen! It keeps me really away from normal living. I really try to accept and not overthink about this but in the end, I find myself doing so. And this feeling of dread and dizzyness/ foggy feeling in my head – or this lightness in my legs – somehow convince my brain that there is something wrong with me, and really I feel all the time this ‘feeling that there is something bad about to happen with me’.
I also that I have no interest in events that normally would bring me joy and fun. I am also often so tired and feel this fatigue in my body – a feeling that I just want to sleep and nothing else..thoughts that I might be depressed and that there is something wrong with my psyche.
I would be glad if you could give me some advice with this.
Thank you & Best regards.
Just wanted to say thank you, Paul, for all the wonderful information you share on this website and in your book.
Thank you, man, you are the best.
My pleasure Issac, thanks for taking the time to comment
Thank you Paul!
Paul ,
I’m hoping you can reply . How does one stop questioning if something is real or not ? I mean I’m questioning reality 24/7 and whenever I’m narrating something I’m questioning if it happened or not . This is classic dp/dr but how do I let go ..
Paul would be great if you could take some time to reply.
I would be thankful.
Alz & Ruby,
You are too heavily focused on your symptoms. By now, you know they are all the effects of adrenaline. It’s exaggerated stress. You know that by examining them, questioning them you are adding stress to this stress.
The ‘treatment’ for DP is the same as for all symptoms. Utter acceptance. Why? By accepting your symptoms, you are not adding stress to the stress. You are giving your body a chance to relax. To recover. All of what Paul says is in this little word: acceptance.
One important note though: you will not recover here on this blog nor at any other online platform. Ultimately, recovery lies in living your life with or without anxiety. I guarantee you that all of these feelings will leave you. They are not forever.
Dear Belgian,
Thanks a lot for your message.
And yes you are right.. of course recovery lies in the outside world and not in an online platform.
I also wanted to ask you what your advice with extreme fatigue and tiredness would me. I’m feeling so often in the day so extremely tired, and then I’m getting caught in this anxiety loop, with worrying thoughts like what it could be.. an illness or depression or something else serious.
would be very grateful for your reply.
Kind regards!
Hi Paul or others, I need a small clarification.
It’s said that these are release of old energy but unconsciously we get involved with it. Rather we have to be a detached observer, it makes more sense. Also, we read about old beliefs and practices and to create new beliefs and perceptions. This can’t be done without teaching the mind by replacing the old beliefs. Here comes the confusion. How would I install new beliefs and perceptions without interrupting those false beliefs and thoughts? Looking for better understanding and more clarity please.
Thank you:-)
Nisha
Hi Everyone
Sorry about not being able to reply, my workload is extremely heavy at the minute with 101 things to do. Even this post above took 3 full days to write, edit and proofread. I didn’t really have time but it had been so long since I posted that I felt I needed to get something new out there.
I am now currently revamping the main site and deleting and upgrading old posts on here. Then I am onto making some videos for youtube. So it is not out of not wanting to, I really have so much to do and don’t log in here as much as I used to.
Ruby here is an article on mental exhaustion that you mention https://anxietynomore.co.uk/anxiety-mental-exhaustion/
It seems to me you are in a cycle of constantly worrying/thinking which is causing you to be mentally exhausted/fatigued but you then worry and over think this feeling of mental exhaustion which just exhausts you further, it is a classic loop. You need to allow the exhaustion without then worrying about it, trying to sort or figure it out, as the last thing your brain now is more worrying/thinking.
Paul , can you reply to my post as well?
Hi Alz,
The answer is the same for all symptoms. Stop the questioning and worrying and go about your day. You have a newborn, so of course you’re exhausted. Wondering if there’s something wrong with you or worrying about how you’re going to cope is only making you feel more exhausted. Instead, accept that you’re tired and get as much rest as you can. If you find yourself habitually worrying/questioning, so be it – no need to engage with “oh no, it’s happening again, there must be something wrong with me!!” It takes practice not to get sucked into the cycle, so be patient with yourself.
Thanks, Stephanie !
Ur right! I need rest which I’m not being able to get which is perhaps exacerbating my anxiety. Talking, mixing up words/dates, finding everything strange, feeling like I need to get my old life back and that it’s not going to happen because I’ve reached such a low .. I guess I need to have faith, patience and courage.
Acceptance in the beginning is an active choice not a thing that just happens automatically.
It means consciously letting go of all the thoughts that pop in to your head regarding your anxiety/symptoms/feelings/thoughts.
And to live in the present moment
So one has to choose to accept that all of the symptoms are happening and not judge them .. right?
Hey everyone, I’m wondering if anyone has had the obsessive thought ‘you are not accepting enough your situation’ or ‘you don’t want to recover enough’. I think it’s anxiety playing tricks, but I think I’ve bought into them a little too much. Just wondering if people had similar obsessive thoughts?
Hi Mark,
Our minds, especially in a sensitive state, conjur up all kinds of thoughts. Then we convince ourselves that if we’re having these kind of thoughts we must be losing our mind, there must be something wrong with us, we’ll never recover, etc. But thoughts are just thoughts. Just like we can’t think our way out of anxiety, we also aren’t thinking our way into anxiety. It’s always our response to a thought that matters. The less response we give to “anxiety” thoughts, the more our mind realizes all is well and slowly starts to calm and settle. So, as always, accept that for the time being your mind may race/be cloudy/etc, and then continue with your day. You may continue to have that habitual reaction to certain thoughts, but accept that too without adding anything further.
You don’t have to overthink what it means to accept something.
I understand the strong urge to “get it perfectly right” but that mindset isn’t too helpful.
In practice it’s doing other things with your life regardless of how you feel, with the understanding that you still may feel terrible for a period of time.
When someone has a fit (short or long) of anxiety they tend to collapse in on themselves: mentally they’re trying to make sense of all of it, find some escape hatch, run scenario after scenario over in their mind. They’re constantly talking about it (poll taking: asking numerous people essentially the same question in hopes that one answer will give them all the peace they were looking for), constantly reading online about; tailoring all of their plans (if they even still make any) to the ebb and flow of anxiety/depression.
Acceptance is not an immediate stain remover – in the sense that as soon as you have finally got the right understanding of it in place then all of the pain will just drip off of you. That doesn’t happen.
It’s like happiness: you don’t tell yourself “okay, now I’m going to start having a happy disposition in my life.” You’d laugh if someone told you that that was their plan for being ‘happier’. Being happy isn’t a goal – it’s a potential side effect of having other things in your life that moves you forward. But if you only did those other things in hopes that you’d find a wealth of happiness in your being you’d probably be pretty dismal. You’d have to have some independent reason as to why you do them. An example: if you volunteered at a nursing home so that you could feel a sense of happiness you’d probably find happiness elusive.
But if you volunteered there because you want to be concerned about the quality of life of another person – then at least you’d have some independent goal. In losing yourself in that pursuit of doing something for the true concern of another person…. then you might just find something along the lines of happiness in your own life.
Acceptance has to be something similar. You don’t say, “I’m going to start being a more accepting person” and voila: now you can take all things in stride and are no longer beset by the despair of anxiety/depression.
Something else has to be your goal – something that moves you beyond (despite how exhausted, fear-tormented you are) the pain of despair that you’re currently feeling. It’s making your life bigger than the dictates of anxiety.
Yes, I think it’s easy to view acceptance as another tool or method for anxiety removal. So, for example, someone will say “Ok, today I’m going to go to the grocery store because acceptance says if I do thing it will make my anxiety leave.” So they go to the store but still feel anxious like they normally do and then think “I knew it! There’s something wrong with me! Doing things doesn’t make me feel better at all.” But they’re still missing the point. You don’t go to the grocery store because you want your anxiety to leave – you go to the grocery store because you need groceries. You go whether you feel great or whether you feel horrible. The goal isn’t anxiety-related at all. The goal is you have a life to live with thing that need to be done.
Exactly, Stephanie.
Just like if a person was only doing things to be happy. Monitoring every action to see if they find themselves more happy than they were the moment before.
It’s understandable a person would want to be happy, or to have peace in their life…. but making those the goal would lead to frustration or despair.
I am having a lot of intrusive thoughts when I’m with my baby or alone about harm. How should I deal with them? It’s just been about 4 weeks since I had my daughter and almost a week since Iv started meds. Need some words of reassurance to get me through this time.
Hi Alz,
You already know that if you were really the kind of person to inflict harm on yourself or others that you would not be fearful of these thoughts. You also know that you can’t force the thoughts away. So what’s left to do? Let the thoughts come and go as they please and live your life normally regardless. Yes, you will probably still be bothered by the thoughts. Let that automatic reaction happen, then go about your day. I know the thoughts are distressing, but I like how Chris in Nothing Works talks about intrusive thoughts: since there is no actual danger, we simply invent new fears and think about them because they frighten us.
Stephanie- This is so me!! I will have new thoughts pop in my head that scare me. It doesn’t ever just stop! Why do you think we invent new fears? This is the most exhausting part.
Hi Clare,
When the flight/fight response is activated in an appropriate setting, the energy is put to necessary use. But when the flight/fight response is activated in an inappropriate setting (i.e. the anxiety disorder), we look for danger and when we can’t find any we invent something (like “I’m losing my mind”) because the energy makes it feel like something must be wrong. The mind will invent all manner of things in its attempt to keep us safe. Then we believe the thoughts and fuel them with our fear – thus, the loop is created. But since we’re not in any actual danger, we have to show our mind that its attempts at keeping us safe our unnecessary. Since we can’t stop the thoughts, we have to demonstrate we’re safe with our actions (living our life normally). I know the process can seem exhausting and obviously much longer than we’d like. Just when you’ve accepted one thought, another pops up. But you have to remember that you’ve been feeding the anxiety for awhile, so it’s not going to just disappear. And eventually, through practice, you’ll stop caring so much whether it’s there or not. You’ll know that regardless of what thoughts go through your mind, you always have the choice to let them be.
hello all
I have a quick question.
I have been taking Lexamil 10 mg for 5 weeks and now I have stopped taking them since one week. I am now having withdrawal symptoms like tinnitus, etc.
Wanted to know if these symptoms will go away.
If anyone can advise?
Thanks
Steph my therapist scared me so much when I told her this. She’s like you can’t go to visit ur mother (in a differ t city), you can’t shift upstairs ( because of the pregnancy I had to shift downstairs ) and she said I need to up my dose. Anyway, it just makes me think how will I get my life back .. during the pregnancy I was completely tense because it was after a stillbirth and I stopped working etc. I feel like I can never get my old life back. it’s such an uphill task. I have to move back upstairs, restart work when possible ( how can I wit dp/dr), do so much and I don’t know if I can. This set back has been a year-long one
Alz,
If your therapist if making you feel more fearful and less confident, maybe you should consider finding a new one?
When I first started dealing with anxiety, I was working part time and had a 6 month old. I took medical leave from work and stayed at my parents for three months. My husband and I were having problems too, so on top of that we separated for two months. I remember feeling just like you do – How will I ever get back to normal? Move home, reconcile with my husband, go back to work, take care of my baby alone?? But guess what, it all did happen. Not overnight, of course. But I slowly started taking steps forward instead of avoiding. Yes, it was scary. Yes, it was hard. Yes, I still experienced uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. But remember, the more you limit yourself and your life, the more you’ll suffer with anxiety. Start changing all of your what ifs and I can’ts into so whats and I cans! Be patient, do things at a pace you’re comfortable with. Keep reminding yourself that you are ok and you can do hard things.
Alz,
When I first started dealing with anxiety, I was working part time and had a 6 month old. I took medical leave from work and stayed at my parents for three months. My husband and I were having problems too, so on top of that we separated for two months. I remember feeling just like you do – How will I ever get back to normal? Move home, reconcile with my husband, go back to work, take care of my baby alone?? But guess what, it all did happen. Not overnight, of course. But I slowly started taking steps forward instead of avoiding. Yes, it was scary. Yes, it was hard. Yes, I still experienced uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. But remember, the more you limit yourself and your life, the more you’ll suffer with anxiety. Start changing all of your what ifs and I can’ts into so whats and I cans! Be patient, do things at a pace you’re comfortable with. Keep reminding yourself that you are ok and you can do hard things.
Hi, I’m just wondering if anyone can guide me really. If had severe anxiety for 2 years but think I had it mildly before that anyways I’m doing a lot better now with the help of Paul’s advice and also others on the blog. I am living my life as best as I can do things regardless of how I feel but I’m just hoping I’m going in the right direction as is it a normal part of the process to one minute feels absent from anxiety like a feeling of peace then the next feeling spaces out? Also, my main problem has been intrusive thoughts is it also normal for them to come but kind of like a whisper when recovering. Sorry for the long text thank you in advance.
I am a long term reader of the blog – and used to contribute years ago. Through Paul’s advice, I have learnt to understand what anxiety is and why this is happening. Over the years I have had some good periods and some tough periods but never as tough as the beginning. I have been inspired by the help from Nolan, Candie, Belgium and now Stephanie and so many more who understand how to explain this condition. However, I have never ‘let go’ completely and ‘it’ always finds a new way in. I had physical stuff which I grew out of, thoughts that I learnt a new attitude towards and this year I have an aching body along with very emotional feelings. The aches and pains move around and as with all anxiety symptoms they lift when distracted, however, they are very overbearing and obviously although anxiety created they will not go at will. This has been going on for about 6 months, I know I am doing the right things – but also the wrong things by asking for help but feel that possibly a word of advice off someone who has tackled this might give me the reassurance to move on. Just wondered if anyone else has found a way out of the physical symptoms like these, I basically know what I have to do – just would like someone to show me they have come through such symptoms.
Does anyone have any insight on how to make a decision? I’m seeing my ex again but don’t know if I should go back or move on. My intuition tells me its better to move on but i’m scared because i start to feel really lonely and miss her. But I feel I could do better and that we have conflicting values on certain things that cause me hurt. But what if I can’t find someone as amazing or who cares about me as much? It’s so scary. I don’t know what to trust anymore. I try to accept that “maybe i don’t know” but how will that lead me to a decision? Especially if my emotions can change day by day.
I feel like I’ve been posting on the blog so frequently (for me). Usually, I just browse (probably too much) at past posts, many of which are extremely helpful. Acceptance is so hard. It seems like it should be so easy. Oh, just stop worrying about this horrific thought you have- it’s normal. How can that be normal? How can you not analyze the hell out it. Anyway, here’s where I am and I’m hoping someone can shed some more light on me. At times I feel really low and discouraged I’m never going to see the end of this time in my life.
I guess it’s just hard not to measure my progress. If I look at the big picture I think I’m substantially better. But if I look at it day by day I’m still having intrusive thoughts in which sometimes I ruminate on, and I still feel like crap and have feelings of suffering. Not every day, but I still have some days for sure. I found that since I’m coming off medication my emotions are not blocked so I feel the good feelings, but then I also feel the bad ones if I have a thought or feel down. I want another one so bad but I’m also afraid I can’t do it mentally either and I just feel like a failure. I want to be past this, like
Yesterday. And measuring my progress and I keep looking back and I know it’s not helping.
Hi EJam,
First off…. asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness nor does it mean that you will definitely exacerbate the issue with anxiety.
A few years back I had one of my biggest setbacks that shook me to my core. I had been coasting along smoothly (with the manageable downs…. the ones where you can feel the presence of the anxiety but it doesn’t bring you to your knees and convince you that there’s no hope of ever being beyond this) and then one day at work, early in the morning the small little thoughts started trickling through into my mind. I could feel that along with those thoughts there was a strong (and growing stronger) negative stain to them. The stain of the negative thought that bleeds out and touches everything about you (which in turn leads to the despair).
In my backpack, I had all of the “Success!” stories I had captured from various sites over the years. Those stories we hold on to that (in our better moments) could potentially fill us with the hope that this nightmare might even end for us. At this point (this early morning at work a few years back) I had not touched those stories for about a year. I felt a sense of pride that I didn’t need them anymore, but there they were still in one of the pockets in my backpack.
Well that slow trickle of negative thoughts (and feelings and fears) broke the dam and I was again on my knees. Immediately overcome with the paradoxical feeling of being exhausted but too geared up to ever find peace again.
I was terrified that if I even looked at those stories it would only further cement my fate with anxiety/depression/ and every dreaded symptom. Like an alcoholic on the threshold of a binge I was literally hunched over in my cubicle, frantically shuffling through the pages, as my hands shook (more with the fear that I was doing something dreadfully wrong in even looking at these than the actual anxiety itself).
But that storm ended too. And like I had heard from others in the past (Paul, Jim Neidert, and others) after that setback (as painful as it was unexpected) I regained alittle bit more of my old self. Even with ‘breaking all of the rules’ of acceptance.
This isn’t to say ditch every notion of acceptance all together…. but more to say ‘be patient with yourself even in your weakness’.
You can be patient with yourself even as you’re doing what you feel to be wrong but in a moment of desperation. And still, some positive growth can come from even that.
So, you’re in a bad spell right now. It seems long and unwarranted. You wish things were another way…. but they’re not. Be at peace with that and be at peace with the fact that you struggle with that. What does that mean? Live your life as you lived it but with this extra little burden. You want to know when it will be lifted, but you can’t know that. None of us can. Be patient with the times you fall into the pit of reassurance…. but don’t make that your warm cabin atop a windswept mountain.
Set no guidelines and timetables as to when this storm needs to pass. It will and you will look back on this moment with a feeling of fondness (again, a paradox I’ve encountered many times with myself and in talking with others). Make your goal as simple as living a life with this.
Hi Clare,
I understand the urge to measure and track your progress.
When I started to make decisions to change my relationship with anxiety/depression I began to think “what do people without anxiety do?”.
Sounds obvious enough but I also had insomnia with my anxiety (it was my worst symptom). I was on discussion boards for insomnia too.
So many people were doing these sleep hygiene behaviours (dim lights at a certain hour, avoid foods at certain cut off points, read-only boring material, no news, cool down your bedroom…. on and on) but then someone on the board said something incredibly insightful. He asked (paraphrased) “why are we doing all of these behaviours that keep insomnia so deeply ingrained in our minds?”. You only do sleep hygiene and sleep restriction if you care a lot about your lack of sleep.
But look at young kids. They have HORRIBLE ‘sleep hygiene’ behaviours and they sleep like angels. They’re up late, running around, fighting the urge to fall asleep and yet they drift off into peaceful slumber.
But imagine those same kids if someone came to them and started frantically telling them how important it is to get “NOTHING LESS THAN 8 HOURS OR YOU”LL GO MAD!!!!” and provided them with a bunch of sheets to start tracking their sleep habits…. not all but definitely some would find that once easily obtained sleep to become a bit more elusive.
Or think of someone who says that their life goal is to be happy and that they’re going to start tracking each day to see if they’re happier than they were the day/week before. If they were to tell you this you’d probably think it was bad advice in wanting to be happier. You’d probably say “you can’t track your progress into happiness. Happiness is a side effect of other things in your life that move you forward.”
LIke with living a life without anxiety. It’s not accomplished by keeping a steady eye on anxiety to make sure that it’s slowly moving closer and closer to the horizon. It’s accomplished by living a life with it and adopting an attitude of “okay, so my life is a bit encumbered by this thing…. but that’s fine. It can stay as long as it likes”.
Nolan,
It seems so simple. I loved that analogy. The therapist I’m currently seeing basically told me she can’t help me if I don’t take medications. That she doesn’t understand why I want to suffer like this. I don’t want to suffer! But I feel so conflicted with the acceptance approach and treating the symptoms. Literally, the only symptom that engulfs my mind and brings me to my knees is the obsessing and then the bad emotions it brings later. It makes me feel like I am doomed and will never get better If I don’t take medication. The success stories of people that don’t take meds are in the back of my head but there are also success stories of postpartum mothers who also have what I’m going through and seems the only way they made it through was being on meds. I’ve been slowly weaning and I don’t feel suffering every day, but I do have intrusive thoughts and obsessing, and tracking daily which does bring me down. I just don’t know what’s “normal” on the “suffering” spectrum and what’s not. I am stubborn and wondering if I’m doing this to myself when I should just be on medication to treat this particular symptom. Paul talks about acceptance but I think when you’re a mother it’s whole new hosts of feelings and emotions that are involved. Anyway, rambling now. This whole thing is the most confusing thing ever.
Clare
Dear Nolan,
I would be very thankful if u could help me with my symptoms:
Almost every day my mind is racing and I feel kind of dizzy like foggy. When I’m walking I have a feeling of unsureness in my legs, like I’m going to faint / fall.
So my brain is constantly on high alert (it feels like this) and I cannot stop thinking about this feeling of ‘uncertainty’ – a feeling like something bad is about to happen! It keeps me really away from normal living. I really try to accept and not overthink about this but in the end, I find myself doing so. And these feelings of dread and dizzyness/ foggy feeling in my head – or this lightness in my legs – somehow convince my brain that there is something wrong with me, and really I feel all the time this ‘feeling that there is something bad about to happen with me’.
I also have no interest in events that normally would bring me joy and fun.
I am also often so tired and feel this fatigue in my body – a feeling that I just want to sleep and nothing else..thoughts that I might be depressed and that there is something wrong with my psyche.
I would be glad if you could give me some advice with this.
Thank you & Best regards.
Dear Nolan,
I would be very thankful if u could help me with my anxiety – symptoms.
Almost every day my mind is racing and I feel kind of dizzy like foggy. When I’m walking I have a feeling of unsureness in my legs , like Im going to faint / fall.
So my brain is constantly on high alert (it feels like this) and I cannot stop thinking about this feelings of ‘uncertainty’ – a feeling like something bad is about to happen! It keeps me really away of normal living.. I really try to accept and not overthink about this but at the end I find myself doing so.. And this feelings of dread and dizzyness/ foggy feeling in my head – or this lightness in my legs – somehow convince my brain that there is something wrong with me , and really I feel all the time this ‘feeling that there is something bad about to happen with me’..
I also that i have no interest in events that normally would bring me joy and fun.
I am also often so tired and feel this fatique in my body – a feeling that I just want to sleep and nothing else..thoughts that I might be depressed and that there is something wrong with my psyche..
I would be glad if you could give me some advise with this.
Thank you & Best regards.
testing a post as lost 3
Thank you, Nolan, for your reply. Your reply is very honest and through you recalling and describing how you felt so clearly it helps to know that my level of fear is not a sign that I have ‘failed’. I can very much relate to the ‘coasting’ with a level of manageable anxiety for periods of time and then dips where I have managed fresh fears and symptoms. I have spent long periods of time away from the blog and although I was still aware of my anxiety there have been periods of time when it has not been such a heavy concern. However, there has always been that last corner to turn. This last few months have been different , I have had a set back with physical symptoms which are demanding my attention ( as anxious symptoms will) – during this year I have had so many new revelations and aha moments of understanding, almost without trying because I have re-read things and they have connected up to an understanding and the realisation of how it can evolve into a habit of trying to fix yourself. Frustratingly I now find it difficult to understand why I cannot find my way out of this habit as others have. This all sounds very rational when writing it down but as everyone knows feeling this way is far from rational and can be overwhelming. I appreciate you telling me that you experienced what you did and you still went on to recover. Thank you Nolan.
Clare
I am not sure if this will help you but I found that with thoughts it is best that if you can identify them as ‘fear’ based that you then cut off the inner dialogue with them. In the beginning, this seems difficult( I am not underestimating how bad they make you feel) but as time goes by you find the brain accepts the ‘stop’. You probably already know this but the thought itself is not the problem, it’s the going back and trying to clarify it that turns it into a fight with your own thought. The more you try and find a solution to keep it quiet the louder it shouts. I have been there. It’s the fight that creates the problem, not the thought. Hope that helps a little.
Hi Clare,
My anxiety journey started as postpartum anxiety after my first baby four years ago. I just had my second in June and am going through the same thing again. I personally believe hormones play a crucial role, and if you feel you need medication to help you, then there’s no shame in that. But I also personally believe acceptance still works. Why? because no matter how your suffering started, fighting the feelings and thoughts is only always going to lead to more suffering. I understand the need to obsess and track your progress. I understand the intense desire to feel normal again. But the more we try to control how we’re feeling, again, the more we’ll suffer. Instead, we have to practice living our life in spite of our feelings or thoughts. I know it doesn’t make sense. I know there’s the urge to continue looking for some solution or way out. But the more we try to grasp at some measure of peace, the more crushing the despair feels. It truly is a great paradox. So keep moving forward, even if everything feels pointless, even if there’s little joy in it, even if it hurts. Stop trying to figure it out all or even figure yourself out. Accept that you currently are having a hard time, accept even you might even feel this way forever (difficult I know), but at the same time maintain that determination that your life can still be bigger than it all.
Clare, one more thing. When you start living alongside your anxiety without trying to change it, it can feel worse at first. Why? because you’re no longer avoiding, it might scream at you all the more (your body’s way of trying to keep you safe). Don’t get discouraged. Let it do whatever it wants for as long as it wants, no harm will come to you. The way forward is through it!
Hey everyone, I’m feeling quite low at the minute. My problem is I’m dealing with mental burnout. I was recovering well enough, but I had a thought that the stress response will stop the progress of healing the brain fog. Now every time I have the thought it triggers the stress response, which is all day. What should I do? My brain cannot heal if I’m in the stress response. I’m feeling a degree of hopelessness now. How do I change my relationship to this thought? I know the advice is to get on with your life, but I can’t work due the mental burnout, hence I’m resting a lot or going for walks. Please help.
Hi Alz a big congratulations on the birth of your baby,don’t be stressing to much about the thought of harming your baby it’s only a thought…
We seem to believe every thought when we’re so anxious,just let it pass it will soon face when you pay it no attention hope this helps…
I myself know now why I feel the way i do every few months,it is mental exhaustion which is causing me all types of symptoms its not very nice but I just get on with things as normal as possible and it could last any were from a wk to a few months ….
Has any one else ever experienced this
Trez x
Alz, I have a suggestion. It’s not the actual thought that is scaring you because you already know that it is only because you have anxious energy in your body that that thought is in your head. If you had no anxious energy in your body then that thought wouldn’t even be there. Instead, its the fact that the thought keeps popping into your head and you feel like you have no control over that, I feel like that is the bit that is freaking you out – The fact that it keeps intruding. With that intrusion you feel weirded out because the thought has negative connotations but because the thought feels powerful it evokes a fearful reaction in you. I feel, that if you were to lose the fear response when the thought appears then you would be able to just see it as an anxious thought.
So, I have a suggestion. What I am about to suggest sounds like a ‘technique’ but really it is grounded in ‘acceptance’ and walking towards your fear and getting out of its way. When you next have that thought and you feel the fear response, I want you to become curious about it. ‘Where in my body am I feeling that fear?’ Close your eyes, maybe put your hand on your heart for emotional support and notice where in your body that fear flash exists. Once you’ve noticed how your body feels that feeling, go looking for it. Next time the thought pops in, snatch in that instance where you felt the reaction. Once you’ve found it again get to know it. Does it feel sharp, does it feel heavy, does it have a colour, does it vibrate, is it a flash etc? Then breath into that feeling, deeply. You may say to yourself, it’s ok to feel this, I’m open to this, and keep breathing into it and really experience it. Look at it, be curious, breath into it, don’t try and change it just recognise it, most importantly….let it be there. You will find that your relationship to that thought will change because your relationship with its reaction has changed. You will be using a different part of your brain to experience it. You are getting out of the way and letting that anxious energy pass on through.
Notice it, observe it, let it be there, notice how it changes, it moves around and fluctuates and guess what, that is what acceptance is. You are no longer resisting it therefore you will suffer less.
Hope this helps, sunshine.
Suzi x
Hey everyone, I’m feeling quite low at the minute. My problem is I’m dealing with mental burnout. I was recovering well enough, but I had a thought that the stress response will stop the progress of healing the brain fog. Now every time I have the thought it triggers the stress response, which is all day. What should I do? My brain cannot heal if I’m in the stress response. I’m feeling a degree of hopelessness now. How do I change my relationship to this thought? I know the advice is to get on with your life, but I can’t work due the mental burnout, hence I’m resting a lot or going for walks. Please help.
hi, alz, I am so happy about your baby you will be fine it’s only a thought and you will never harm your baby its just anxiety. I am suffering myself my mom just died 3 days ago unexpectedly she was everything to me my best friend I am lost and so heartbroken
Thanks, Debbie
I’m so sorry to hear abt your mother. I hope God gives you the patience and courage to deal with this loss.
You’re right it’s just a thought but I’m just so exhausted – it was living in fear for 9 months and now I just want my life back!
Hi Mark,
All that’s happening is you’ve found a new thought to be scared of. I know it seems like something needs to be done, you need to fix it, but that’s just the usual anxiety trick. This is no different than any other distressing thought I’m sure you’ve had. What did you do about those? Inevitably, you did nothing. It only feels like you can’t work and you’re tired because you’re spending so much mental energy ruminating over this thought, questioning, searching, etc. So be it. Let the thought be there as long as it wants, let yourself be scared if that’s what’s happening, and then continue on.
Hi Mark,
All that’s happened is you’ve found a new thought to be scared of. I know it seems life-shattering, like the progress you’ve made is now stained by the intensity of this thought – but that’s just the usual anxiety trick. It feels like you can’t work and you’re tired because you’re spending so much mental energy ruminating on this thought, questioning, searching, trying to find a way out. So be it. Let the thought be there as long as it wants, let yourself be scared of if, then continue on.
I’m unsure why my comments are not being posted. I really wanted to ask if there’s someone suffering from insomnia and getting panic attacks or anxiety over it. I fall asleep and wake up 1 hour or 2 later to go into a huge anxiety attack. Fear, start shaking, trembling and feel very uneasy. I’m currently going through a setback. I thought I’d shake it off quickly since I had suffered this 6 years ago. I haven’t been able to sleep in the past 5 days and I’m mentally drained from all the overthinking. I haven’t gone to a doctor because 6 years ago I was prescribed antidepressants that made me feel worse. I’m unsure why I’m feeling like this all over again, I recently broke up with my boyfriend due to me feeling this way. He’s not supportive and tells me I can control it and it’s all in my head. I feel very down and anxious can’t seem to concentrate not sure if it’s the lack of sleep. I also have bothersome thoughts but they seem to be scarier at night than during the day. I’m afraid of not being able to function at work because I’m a single mother of 2 kids. Anyone currently going through this or have advice for me please Help I’m in desperate need of advice.
Hi Anna,
Sleep issues were my biggest issue. I had others, but none shook my quite like the issue with not being able to sleep and constantly thinking about sleep (or the inability to sleep).
First off: Be fine with whatever sleep you get when you finally start your morning. This isn’t fun…. but it’s an end to the self-pity. I don’t say that to you because I think you’re engaging in self-pity…. but I know that I was and that it wasn’t helping. So, if your day starts at 7am and you only got 1 hour of sleep (or even nothing) tell yourself “So be it” and start your day. You’re going to feel yucky, but start changing the narrative that runs in your mind due to it. And you can start doing that by changing the things you tell yourself about it… and the good news is that you don’t even have to tell yourself much. Short and sweet “so be it” and move forward with your day.
Second: When your going to sleep and if your mind is racing: let it race. If your mind is already agitated with anxiety and your thoughts are naturally trending towards things of despair/fear/hopelessness…. it does little good to force your thoughts on bright and sunny things. As if forcing “bright and sunny thoughts” is what’s going to bait sleep into overcoming you. For one: it’s just adding to the agitation. You’re just adding more mental exertion. So let your thoughts run on and on or spin however they want to. When a particular thought was having a visceral effect of me I just let it do what it wanted to while telling myself something like “big deal… it will pass when it’s ready to”. One way to conceive of this is that you’re going to be as disinterested as possible in what you’re seeing while your mind is racing. Like a disinterested movie watcher. But be patient with yourself when you find yourself playing along with the fear.
Third: My evenings became this unnatural approach to bed time – eat this, don’t eat that. Dim the lights at this hour, no TV/computer after that hour, cool the bedroom to this temperature, turn the clocks away from my view…. on and on. Children have TERRIBLE sleep hygiene and guess what? Children sleep incredibly. Because they don’t care so much about sleep. For a person who has anxiety induced insomnia and then the added torment of anxiety of insomnia… structuring your evenings around sleep is not helpful. You want sleep to become less important in your mind so that it become a more natural reaction again. And you don’t turn down that intense concern for it by rolling a red carpet out every evening in hopes that it graces you with its presence.
Hi Mark
Stephanie is so right, I’m the same as you at the moment, it’s mental exhaustion for me, it’s because we are afraid of the thought and trying to find answers which only feed it more, seems to happen to me every few, it’s definitely a lot to do with stress.
I know it feels awful but try just to let it happen it will pass and you will come through it it’s just a blip.
Hope this helps
Trez
So guys wish me luck.
with all the obsessive thoughts, anxiety and a newborn baby, I want my life back and so I’m going to shift back to my portion of the house ( upstairs) this weekend. Throughout my pregnancy because it was precious, I had to shift on the ground floor and then after the pregnancy as I had a c section, I didn’t move upstairs .. and then the fears set in. Feelings of ‘ moving upstairs will be so difficult, the portion is unclean, I have so much to do etc. But I’m bugging myself till this weekend and I’ll slowly and gradually make the move. I honestly want to get better and get my life moving in the ‘ normal ‘ direction that it was!
Alz – you are doing the right thing, try not to make it into ‘an event’, just do it. Accept that you will feel nervous to start with. It is your thoughts about ‘upstairs’ not upstairs itself – and we all know what thoughts are. Small steps repeatedly in the right direction will make big differences in the long run. Its not easy, as anyone on here knows but as lots prove, it is possible. Good luck, I am sure it will go well with your new attitude.
Alz – Everyone on here knows how hard it is. Regardless of how/why we tripped into this zone we all understand how you feel. I also think that sometimes anxiety can latch onto the fact that ‘you now have what you wanted’ so ‘why’ can I not feel happy. As Nolan told me, it’s a paradox. So you have your beautiful baby and now anxiety is spoiling it -because it is the most important thing in your life – if it was not important you would not be upset by it. The best advice you will take from here is that – thoughts are not real, and there will come a day when whatever is scaring you now, will not. I can assure you of that as it never stays the same. Thoughts are not dictating your life – you think they are (and that’s different). Try and take your life in bite-size chunks – a day at a time. You can overwhelm yourself by looking further ahead, believe me life has a way of sorting itself out. Today you moved back upstairs, congratulate yourself for that. Looking after babies is a very tiring affair, even without anxiety, but you can do it. You will surprise yourself of how you will glimpse moments of peace – and those little windows let the light in for more. We tend to catastrophise when anxiety is high, but as we calm although it still may be difficult it’s doable. Don’t try too hard, it doesn’t have to be perfect, just good enough for now – and each day things will seem less overwhelming. You are not a burden, you are probably trying too hard as many people with anxiety do. This will move for you, just let time pass a bit more.
Ejam you make so much sense. It’s just that I start comparing my life to what it was and what it is now and how it’s an uphill task – I mean yes I’m looking into the future and fortune telling but I mean I want to start working etc and with such strong feelings of dp , questioning reality , OCD and whatever other symptoms these thoughts have given way to, I feel like I won’t ever be fine . Ur right though abt taking it one day at a time but I do get bogged down. I mean it’s not fun being at a zone where you feel like ur mind is unsettled and will never get back to being like it was. It’s like I have two selves and the self eight he OCD / DP/ anxiety has just managed to dominate my existence. I appreciate what ur saying and yes Iv been down this path before but never this bad. I guess it’s a habit and I have to normalise my life for myself to feel normal. For 9 months it’s been dictated by fear, anxiety so I guess ur right I should give it time and take it day by day.
Hi Alz
You will get on top of this its all just prolonged stress,because we feed it so must and tell ourselves that were never gona get better keeps us in the loop.
As like you I’m struggling with questioning reality,it’s one of the worse symptoms of anxiety that I have ever had I don’t like it and question it inside out but it’s not helping matters its actually making it worse that if brings on panic,but we will get there xx
Also, trez don’t you think it’s a chemical imbalance which needs meds for it to become better?
Alz it’s our mind playing tricks on us,I have been through every symptom of anxiety bit this is this worst…
I do think it’s some kind of imbalance as it would come last a few wks and pass for a few months then come back…
Each time it comes back it feels stronger to me and I think it’s because I fear it so much..
Alz give yourself alot of credit you have just had a baby and your are expected to be all over the place due to hormones,you will start to feel some days are better than others….
Hope this helps x
Alz/ Trez Re the DP – I do not have it, and have not had it for years. I am not frightened of it either. I think we all have things that sometimes hold us more than others. I am in a setback at the moment but with other symptoms, and as they are anxiety driven they are what grab my attention. Although I am finding the less I bother with them the less they bother me.
I remember having DP for a long period of time and suddenly, through no effort or will of my own a thought flashed, it was not a conscious thought – it is hard to describe but it was as if suddenly I felt that I did not have any resistance to the DP, I almost liked it (I know that sounds really strange) I can remember everything lifting, and yet it was a ‘non event’ . All I can say is that these feelings go. It does take courage, and I am not always the best at that but the more you just get on with life, as tough as it is the less attention is given to the latest ‘symptom’ . We so want to get rid of these feelings that they take front of stage and we end up getting roped into the whole fight again. Make plans , take steps forward and slowly – have faith, this will shift .
Ejam ,
You make a lot of sense . Just a question though, are you ok meds? It’s week 3 of me having started meds and I’m hoping the full effect will kick in soon although it’s wrong of me to just be relying on meds. Anyway I guess it is what it is . I have to let go which I think you did when you had dp and it seems like it worked. I know it’s the endless catastrophising that come with each thought and anxiety does that . So my main fear has been that of losing my mind and anxiety though trying to protect me, has made me so aware of everything I say or do, is this ok? Is this not ok? Did this happen ? Did this not happen? So essentially while it’s trying to protect me from my biggest fear, it’s somehow being counterproductive. I hope that makes sense . And in the process of making me question even move, it’s made me mentally exhausted ..,
The question is then , when will my mind reach its natural state after hving been badgered so long by anxiety . When will it reach its equilibrium ?
Alz – you cannot control it. If you look at Nolan’s reply to me you will see that whatever the symptom, the answer is the same – you give up fighting, worrying or trying to control when ‘it’ will leave. I really understand the frustration, we all do, but the more you chase feeling ‘ok’ the further it runs. You have to let it come to you, have a look at Nolan’s reply to me, November 30th. Give yourself a break for now if you can and try and just do what you have to do. Time will pass, everything changes. Take care.
Ejam does that mean I accept the feelings of going mad, unreality and everything whilst trying to live a normal life? I mean for Eg I’m talking and I’m feeling odd – just now I asked someone to get me socks. She got me 3 and I was questioning later on in my head: are they 3? It’s like this and I think it’s just a habit /obsession of questioning reality. I know I need to accept it and move on and let time pass. I’ve been told time and again that it’s an anxiety disorder by my therapist but I come back n then compare my life to what it was like …also I compare myself with others
Hi Ruby,
You have to live your life and carry all the uncomfortable symptoms with you. You can’t rationalize the symptoms away. Why? Well even though nothing has ever happened to you in the past, despite how horrible or weird you felt, there’s always that part of you that says “Yeah but what if THIS time something does happen?!” So all you can do is live your life, regardless of how you feel. Let yourself be scared, let the what if thoughts come – then say “oh well, so what, I have things to do.” I know it sounds easy in theory but difficult to actually do. Practice makes perfect.
Hi,
I have been away a while. I find there are therapy techniques I hold onto and try to use but none of them make me feel better in the long run and I am growing hopeless. I have been going through this 7.5 years now, searching and searching for the answer. And although about 3 years ago I started finding this approach and it is the only thing that ever worked and helped me, I can tell you approximately 10 times over the past 3 years I have been able to let go and the feelings felt strong and it was awful and then it passed. And then I wanted to do that again, but I just started approaching acceptance/letting go/ surrender as something I need to master and this became another thing I need to do. And even now that I know this, I still struggle to just let go. I have been in therapy 2.5 years and I just feel it is draining my money and making me feel worse that it isn’t working. I just don’t know how to let go it seems. But I know that I obviously do because I have done it before. Someone, please help.
Hello,
I’m not completely new to this blog but haven’t posted much for a long while. I’ve had a huge setback and my anxiety is once again in full force. It’s taken me a little while to remember how to approach things as I was well for so long.
I have had an extremely stressful year with the loss of a family member, my grandma suffering from advanced cancer and is bed bound, my best friend contracting a serious illness and being in a coma (she is still in hospital but is now in recovery learning to walk etc) and my parents separating. On top of this as a nurse in the NHS my job means I am under extreme pressure at work and to be honest having written it all down I’m not sure how I’ve managed to keep going through it all. My question is how do I overcome anxiety when all these stressors persist? Other than cutting my hours at work which I can’t afford to do, I don’t know how I can stop these situations from being stressful in order to let my stress levels reduce. I have started to take time for myself to just relax and spend time with friends etc Hoping 2019 will be a much better year!
Hi Paul
I have recently read both of your books and am trying to follow your advice as best I can.
I have had anxiety in the form of physical symptoms since 2009, and have been up and down throughout that time.
I was interested to read in your book that you don’t isolate the symptoms and treat them all separately, but just accept that they are all just anxiety and try to live a normal life alongside all of the horrible sensations. Most of the symptoms are not there currently.
However,I have one symptom that I am having great difficulty accepting and living beside.
I have an aggravating cough that seems to be caused by anxiety and stress and has now become the source of anxiety for me. It has become a vicious circle. The cough causes anxiety and the anxious feelings about the cough cause me to cough.
I have had medical investigations into the cough, but it does not have any apparent physical cause.
Over the years I have blamed it onto so many outside factors. I have had to avoid lots of places and foods, that I thought were causing it. These also included confined spaces, smells, air conditioning, weather conditions, electromagnetic energy, dust and smoke. I worry excessively what other people think when I cough, and that makes me cough too. I go into a coughing spasm, similar to a panic attack.
I am not avoiding now. I go everywhere and do everything that I used to do before I had anxiety, as you have suggested.
I do have difficulty though.
In your experience of anxiety, is this symptom something that you have come across before?
It would appear to be very unusual.
Do you have any suggestions for me?
For me the best thing in ‘dealing’ with intrusive thoughts was to let them ramble on and not making them a big issue. Sure, it wasn’t ideal. I would much rather have had control of my own thoughts at those moments…. but I simply didn’t.
I was simply tired of having to have ‘things to do’ in order to address the various issues I had: insomnia, intrusive thoughts, depression….
I was done with having to ‘make space’ for them. Now I was just going to let them do what they want to do, for as long as they wanted to do it while I went back on with my life.
If someone wants to do various things about the issue… it’s completely understandable.
But I want them to also know that you can overcome them without having to buy more things, to do add more things to your life in order to have them end.
Of course your right and that’s the way to do it.
But this is a stage you get to after first stop understanding intrusive thoughts and I recommended the book for the information in it alone. Knowledge is power
Hi everyone.. please read and give advice if possible.
I have suffered for tear with anxiety which I have been managing but have had a tough year which has caused a massive flare up and symptoms etc my main worry is the intrusive thoughts ones that are horrible and make we worry even more as if I’m losing my mind and awaiting something bad to happen sometime the thoughts are just a word like ‘suicide’ not that I feel that why but just the word puts me on edge!! Is this normal!??? I feel like should I seek perfessional help or is this part of it?? PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU HAVE EVER FELT TRHE SAME. It’s making me scared .. then I keep saying to myself it’s just a word!!!!!
Thanks guys and advice would be appreciated
Nolan
How does therapy fit into recovery?
I’m starting CBT and I’m not sure how to approach it.
Generally struggled with therapy in the past.
Hi Star,
I’m not claiming every success story is like mine…. but I had very bad luck with therapy.
The psychologists and psychiatrists I had seen (and I saw more than a few) weren’t very helpful.
The last psychiatrist I had seen had me on (in roughly a 2 month stretch of time): Xanax, Ambien, Ambien CR, Lunesta, Trazadone, Klonopin, Lexapro, …. I was only getting worse. The last prescription she gave me was for Rozerom (for my insomnia). I went home first before filling the scrip read that the reviews for it were even worse than Lunesta and Ambien (both of which did absolutely nothing for me). I crumpled up the prescription and said that I would rather be no more than have to take any more pills.
I had dabbled alittle with CBT but it wasn’t helping me. I wanted to be the old me; and at least with the CBT I was going over it seemed to only have me pay more respect to the symptoms of my anxiety and depression. I got that idea from Paul and it just made perfect sense when I read it: that in my attempts to be the old me I was paying so much respect to these issues, opposed to not caring so much.
One time I read on another forum for anxiety-induced insomnia a poster named “TomNTexas” who said something like “why do we take the advice of those who struggle with anxiety and insomnia? Why do we live our lives in a way that makes good sleep so important to us? Children have terrible sleep hygiene and they sleep like angels. They eat ice cream late into the evening while watching a scary movie and fall asleep like it was nothing. But we go through these convoluted steps in hopes of assuring us something like 5 solid hours of sleep? It doesn’t make sense. Approach it like the child does, which means make obtaining sleep LESS important.”
Which is exactly what Paul says: make the issues less important by not doing so many things dedicated to their removal. And, in time your body/brain/mind will drift away from it being an issue.
Nolan, thank you for your reply, I only noticed you answered a while after.
If I am honest, CBT has not resonated with me and it does make me feel worse about my symptoms as I feel worse about the fact that it should be helping me but it’s not and that I am disappointing the therapist, feeling like I need to be fixed etc. But because I finally managed to get it on the NHS, I have been going and it makes me feel like I’m talking to someone at least, but then again it can make me feel more alone.
The thing is, I feel in my situation, I know the information and I believe I have an understanding of it; the allowing and acceptance which allows all the negative energy to basically detox, I have experienced this in the past too which has cemented this for me, however, I find that when it comes to implementing it, there is so much negative self-talk and fear that I cannot go in a situation with my defences down. Hence I keep adding anxiety etc, and I suffer so much and constantly.
I wanted to ask you, Nolan, as you’ve recovered so you can see things clearly, I listened to a guy on Youtube and he spoke about how the not doing something to fix how you feel will make you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable but it is the only way forward. I struggled to implement it so I decided to speak to myself, and I said ‘You can get through this’ and ‘You’re going to be ok’, when I was in situations that I felt uncomfortable in, and I realise now, it was not to make myself feel not anxious but to remind myself I am more ok than I think and fill my mind with something other than all the negative self-talk. As I would say that I’d realise that I am going to make it through and that I am ok, and that my mind is creating a lot of BS. In a large social situation, I felt anxious sitting alone and afraid of what people would think if my husband got up for a bit. But by saying this to myself, I felt really ok with the situation and even was able to enjoy it a little and feel ok something I haven’t done in so long.
I guess I want to know if I am on the right track.
I’m sorry if this is long, I really appreciate your support.
Sam I’m a fellow struggler so I don’t know if I’m much help but from what I am understanding more recently.
You are already stressed/sensitised/on edge/anxiety ridden.
Worrying about why you are getting this thought over and over is only going to make you more anxious. So what you need to do is stop adding more anxiety.
It is totally normal to have extreme reactions to thoughts which usually tend to be negative. Again it’s the nerve thing which is why people around you probably seem unperterbed (if I spelled that right) and relaxed.
Hi I could really do with some advice I have had intrusive thoughts about various different things over the last 18 months which I’ve let be and they have passed but I can’t seem to shift the thoughts of self-harm/suicide. They will go away for weeks and then wham hit me with such force I start engaging with them questioning myself. What if I get so bad I do these things. Do I want to is that why I’m having them. Even some are just one-worded or I could be thinking of something else and these thoughts will be like a whisper in the background has anyone had thoughts like this and dealt with them. Is because I’m afraid that they return any advice please I’m desperate. Thank you in advance
Has anyone noticed that their anxiety is worse in the morning
I Wake up I just feel very emotional
I was going well for a few months but seems I’m in a setback for the last few weeks so all my symptoms are coming back
Has anyone had a bout of anxiety before?
Guys, I find that despite my more outward focus, I am anticipating certain thoughts coming. I can’t seem to stop anticipating. What am I doing wrong? Any help or advice greatly appreciated.
Hi Mark,
This is like a guy lost in a forest who has good reason to believe that he has found the right track to get out. He forges his way forward while still in the thick of the woods. If he were to stop and say “well this isn’t right. I thought I found the right track but I still see trees around me.” we’d both be able to appreciate that he’s missing some of the points. Because though he very well may be headed in the right direction, the simple fact that he still is seeing trees around him doesn’t mean that he’s doing something wrong.
Say you have intrusive thoughts and you’ve decided to start paying them less respect…. and to implement this you are going to do less internet searching, less talking about it to people, less cancelling plans you had set, and you’re going to start doing more of the things that used to define your life. If at some point in the future you were to notice you still have some issues bubbling up that wouldn’t negate that you are still ultimately doing the right thing and heading in the right direction.
Insomnia was the issue that terrified me the most (though I had others) – There was the point in which I told myself that I”m going to live my life regardless of how exhausted or full of despair I was…. that didn’t mean I was immediately done with sleep issues. Those lasted a very long time afterwards. But my life became liveable again. If I were to only focus on the hiccups that occurred during that time I certainly would have made little progress and would have at some point collapsed back in on myself.
So greet those anticipating thoughts with an “oh hey, what’s up” and move back on with your day.
I would get little loops of a song playing over and over in my head that at one stage of my anxiety had me wanting to bash my skull against something. And that eventually changed (later on in my journey) to me saying something like “oh well, that song loop is playing again…. play on as long as you’d like”. It didn’t immediately take the pain and torment away, but it was signalling to my body that I didn’t care as much as I had in the past.
Thank you, Nolan. Really great advice. I’ve noticed you help people and I really appreciate it. Can I ask you one more question? My two biggest fears are this, 1. I have a fear of creating more thought after the initial thought occurs, which inevitably leads me to creating more thought. If I create more thought, should I just not care that I do? Also, I have a fear that maybe I don’t wont to recover as much as others as I have a reluctance to put the work in. I mean it’s just a thought, but my actions suggest I do want to recover. I’m in such a mess and so worn down. Nolan. Thank you for the woods analogy, makes a lot of sense.
For example, some of the thoughts that affect me are ‘stop engaging with the thought’ or stop answering the thought’ which in effect are answering the thought and I cannot discern if it is conscious or automatic :
I find I’m having moments as if I’m checking in on myself. If i feel no anxiety or just feel like I’m me I then question myself is this how it is to be free of anxiety or am I slowly going insane. Has anyone else had this during recovery.
Mark- I have been dealing with intrusive/obsessive thinking for a year and three months now. To say it is exhausting is a large understatement. The thoughts have been there every day, no respite. It is not every other second like before, I do get some breaks but if I’m not thinking a disturbing thought, I’m thinking about all I went through. I am so sorry you are experiencing this too. I bounce back between hope and hell. I have moments where I honestly believe this will be behind me, but it’s short lived. I wanted to respond to you because one of your negative thoughts stuck out at me because I experienced the same one. There was a point where I would obsess over “I don’t want to get better” and then would freak out that since I thought that my mind would believe it. But it’s just another anxious thought. I am no longer bothered by it and I’m sure with time you will no longer be bothered by it either. Hang in there, you’re not alone. So many people deal with this.
Clare thank you for that. I really needed to hear it today. I hope you have a calm day as possible and may tomorrow be the same.
I am in the middle of a bad setback right now. My nanna who I help care for is coming to the end of her cancer battle and the grief of this has caused a huge level of anxiety and sadness (I accept it is normal to feel this way given the situation).
I have read Paul’s advice so many times and always get stuck on the same part. I know I need to go about life as normal and how it was before anxiety but I’m in my 20s and don’t remember life before anxiety, I’ve struggled with it since childhood due to various issues. When I do go about life as normal I almost feel an empty space where the anxiety was as if it has become a huge part of me and I don’t know how to let something else in. Has anyone got any experience with this? I have started seeing a therapist help with this I’m just curious if other people have gone through this. It’s almost like I don’t know who I am without anxiety, it has dictated so much of my life and decisions.
Hi Megan,
It’s only natural that when you stop focusing on something that you’ve spent so much mental energy on that it’s going to feel odd/weird/empty. That holds true for many things besides anxiety. The way forward is to start filling your life with things other than anxiety. You might not find much interest in other things at first, because you’re so used to focusing on your thoughts/feelings. But eventually, you’ll find yourself more engaged with the outside world and less concerned with yourself.
In my own experience, there have been many times when feeling relaxed and happy almost felt wrong because I was so used to feeling tense and horrible. But the more I moved forward and ignored whatever nonsense my tired mind was telling me, the less my mind chattered and the more I focused on other pursuits and actually enjoyed them!
Hi everyone, This is my first time posting but I have been on this site since around 2009-2010. I recovered with Pauls methods the first time I suffered from anxiety but now instead of anxiety, it has seemed to morph into panic attacks. I may have always had panic but didn’t realize it but now its sort of crippling to me especially driving or being alone. It’s like I know the way to recover and that is to just accept the feelings but I just can’t seem to get the mindset of accepting this merry go round (setback). I’m not sure if its because I got out of the practice of it (accepting) because I recovered the first time or if it’s because it is such a different feeling this time around. I know the method is the same but the method on this one doesn’t seem to be the same. I am at the point of maybe considering pills. I don’t want pills but am considering. It’s like my mind fills me with such angst and I feel like im going to develop amnesia or my mind goes blank and I tell myself oh my gosh do I forget where I am? I feel like I am about to pass out and my heart palpitates and I know that it is anxiety and it is playing out on my fears but it’s not a fun time at all. I have had a tremendous amount of stress this past year and I know that is what brought this on but learning to live with these new feelings is pretty awful. I love reading others stories and I know everyone can recover, but when you’re in the midst of panic/anxiety it feels like maybe you can never recover. I have the disease of MS and this has been playing on my mind as well. I’ve had it or at least got diagnosed with it in 1998 so for a while now but I am healthy otherwise. I had 2 MRI’s last year and both showed new lesions and that scared me but I believe the new lesions are from all of the stress that I was/am/are going through. I go into all sorts of scenarios in my head of what could go wrong with me and fill myself with fear of the unknown. It is kind of maddening. The one thing that has triggered my anxiety and probably morphed it into panic, to begin with, is that my dad became paralyzed from the waist down and it has been very stressful for me. It’s like I go into really deep thought about it and it feels like I can’t wrap my head around this. When I think about it I get stuck in my own head.
Has anyone recovered with anxiety that has then turned into another type of anxiety that has then recovered? It’s like when I’m not driving, I’m ok, I can read pauls blog and all of your stories and get it and understand it but when im in the midst of it I can’t seem to get it under control…it just really sucks. When I’m driving, im ok to start but the thoughts start coming then it’s downhill from there. I use all sorts of distractions to take my mind off of it but I know that means not accepting but it is so hard. Like I have to call people on my car phone and talk to them incase something happens to me and they’ll know to call emergency. Or I have to roll my window down, or turn the radio really loud, and when I’m at a red light, I hate being in the left lane because I feel like I’m stuck and will want to jump out of my car and run but I know that I could not do that because it would be dangerous. It makes me feel like I’m going crazy or something. Sometimes sitting at a red light I get so frightened and just want to open my driver door and just put my left foot on the ground. Weird, I know. I just can’t get a grip on it this time around. If anyone has any thoughts on this, it would sure help me maybe to talk more about it.
Thank you all for posting your stories. Parker
Hi Nichole,
It’s easy to fall into the lie of thinking that certain cases of anxiety or certain symptoms need to be treated differently or mean that you’ll never recover. I think you’ll find that almost every one has thought or struggled with that as some point. But it’s just not true. That’s why Paul talks about just putting everything under the umbrella of anxiety and treating it all the same.
I know that you’re probably wishing you were dealing with the same issues as last time because then it might be easier to deal with. I’ve thought the same thing when new symptoms have popped up. But it really truly doesn’t matter if it’s an old symptom, a new symptom, intrusive thoughts, depressive feelings, situational anxiety, etc. – at the end of the day, we just need to stop giving it all so much of our attention and live with it for as long as it’s there.
So right now you’re having anxiety driving. So be it. Drive around scared and panicked. You can still get where you need to go. Yes, it’s uncomfortable and frustrating. But this is how you feel right now, so feel it and keep living your life.
Hi Nicole. I am right with you. Everything you wrote on your post is exactly what I am going through at the moment. I have been trying to write the exact same post. I have to keep reminding myself to practice Paul’s advice. I am completely housebound at the moment. I was at this state 5 years ago and recovered for a while. However still dealing with anxiety but able to drive to and from work. I am now dealing with a really bad set back. Best of luck and prayers to all of us sufferers. And thank goodness for Paul’s helpful site
My mom just died a few weeks ago and my anxiety is so bad I was doing better before she died now I am in such bad shape she died unexpectedly my heart is so broke now I have where my mind keeps getting random flashes of anything that don’t make sense its so scarey ..it makes me panic .has anyone ever gotten anything like this .
I would like to know how people manage to work and keep a full time job while living with a severe panic attack disorder? Any advice would be truly helpful.
Alz how are you doing ? I hope you and the baby are doing good.
Hi I don’t know if people still use this blog but I would like a little help please. If started with a new symptom of anxiety a sharp pain in my chest is has been in my right side but now my left and I’m over worrying thinking I may be having heart troubles or the start of a heart attack. Has anyone else had this symptom and if so did it go away in time l. Thank you in advance.
Hi Louise,
Yes, I’ve had a variety of chest pains/symptoms – all caused by anxiety, all went away. The next time you experience the pain, just tell yourself “there it is again, oh well” and go about your day. It’s ok if you’re still scared of the pain, but don’t feed the fear by googling/checking your pulse/stopping what you’re doing/etc.
Hi everyone
All I went through the horrible intrusive thoughts with my 1st son and now I’ve had my second ( 11 weeks old ) I’ve still got them! They are the worst and some of them actually make me physically sick to my stomach! I think how can I think such awful things about my precious babies that I love more than life itself? I’m on medication at the moment as I just cannot cope without it. How are you doing anyway? Maybe we could help each other out? Knowing we are definitely not alone can really help I think. Also anyone else going through horrible intrusive thoughts and anxiety know that we are not alone and we will get through this somehow. Paul’s books definitely helped me and I continue to follow his wise words to this day.
Sorry All was meant to say Alz
Hi all,
I wanted to share a little update on my own personal journey.
I’ve felt a little change yesterday when I was remembering the amount of suffering I go through on a daily basis in just regular situations that I have no reason to be resisting so hard and painfully; experiences where I am safe because I am with family or people who are kind and have no clue what is going on inside but would feel very compassionate if they knew.
So it was like I told myself I don’t want to suffer like this anymore and I am going to stop doing all the things that make me suffer. And I stopped: putting pressure on myself to be a certain way/ trying to change what was going on around me/judging and blaming myself constantly/ putting pressure on me to recover. And I felt freer. Suffering is so painful and I decided that as I know that I am the one doing it to myself, I am now going to stop doing that. And I can see that I don’t deserve to suffer as I have been.
Of course, I have fears that I will go back to suffering, but this is part of the suffering too. I need to stop worrying about things, like going to therapy and what the therapist will think of me, it’s just really bullying myself constantly.
I think I am going to reread some blog posts and the books of Paul which may help me fine-tune and keep this consistent, but I know that in the past when I felt better it was because I stopped doing the things that made me suffer which Paul speaks about and I have read his books a million times, so it makes sense to me and I trust it.
That’s great, Star! It’s always our resistance to feelings/thoughts, our desperation not to have them, that fuels them. The more we tell ourselves “I can’t feel this way, I need to get rid of it!” the more we’ll feel that way. But when we allow ourselves to feel how ever we feel, then we give our mind and body a chance to heal. Our goal shouldn’t be to not feel anxious or, on the other hand, to make ourselves feel happy/relaxed/etc. Neither of those things will work and will only cause more suffering. Instead, practice being open to any state. As always, the best way to do that is to stop focusing so much on your thoughts/feelings and focus instead on outward things. You need to do laundry? Great, do it whether you feel horrible or you feel relaxed. You need to cook dinner? Ok, go do it regardless of how you’re feeling. And don’t analyze how you’re feeling during those tasks – “Am I anxious? Do I feel more relaxed now?” If you find yourself doing that, just turn your focus back to the task at hand. It takes practice, but every day is a new day, every moment is an opportunity.
Thanks for your reply Stephanie 🙂
How are you in relation to recovery?
I still struggle a lot with my anxious thoughts, but I need to work on allowing them as well, and not getting caught up and scared of them. The thing is I have struggled with this for so long, years and years and it’s hard for me to hold on hope.
I still deal with anxiety quite a bit actually. Mine started as postpartum anxiety, and I had my second back in June and am experiencing a lot of the same things. But you know what, I know the way forward. Yes, it’s hard and not fun, but I know I can still live a full life even with anxiety. Like I said, every day and every moment is a new opportunity to change our response and attitude, to stop letting anxiety dictate how we are going to live.
That’s great that you are able to move forward and not get trapped in it. And congrats on the baby.
I find that I need to get frustrated with the anxiety enough to say to it, I don’t care anymore, I am so exhausted I can’t fight you anymore; and this happened today as I was always watching myself and trying to fix myself and go into anxiety provoking situations in ‘the right way,’ and coming out frustrated and feeling like I failed. So I got fed up with it and I feel like this is the only way I am really able to stop fighting, because I am fed up. Otherwise I just seem to keep fighting and I can’t stop myself.
I understand. We know we’re supposed to be living our life normally regardless of how we feel. But what often happens is, even in the midst of doing normal things, we find our mind still obsessing about anxiety. So then we interpret that to me we must somehow be doing things the wrong way. But what’s actually happening is we’ve built mental habits that aren’t going to disappear immediately. Our minds are going to continue to ruminate, question, race, self check, etc. The key is to learn not to be so impressed by it. If you’re doing something and you’re not anxious, great. If you’re doing something and you feel anxious, so what. Let your mind obsess – but then don’t obsess about the obsessing.
That makes a lot of sense. The habits of checking myself and trying to keep myself safe all the time drive me mad but I’m gonna work on not getting bothered by it. I am really so done with this anxiety.
I have been dealing with intrusive thought for about 1 year and a half now all kinds of things but I got through them let them be and they eventually no longer worried me the ones I seem to struggle with letting go is the self-harm ones I’m scared and worried by these as I think what if I do it, is my body telling me am I going crazy. Then I become scared to be on my own or go out. I then get brain fog and dp. Which then escalates full-on shakiness and mind racing and fatigue and nausea. If been doing really well the last few months and now I feel I’m right back at the start of been dealing with anxiety for over 2 years now and following Paul’s advice for around just under 2 years. Will these feelings and thoughts go or am I not doing the right things any advice please would be grateful sorry for the long post and thank you in advance
Hi Louise,
First, even though it feels like you’re back at the beginning, you’re not. You can’t erase the experience and understanding you’ve gained. Second, you know that whatever the content of your thoughts, it’s all anxiety. Some thoughts might be easier to dismiss, but it’s still all anxiety. I’m sure you’re frustrated when you find yourself having fearful negative reactions to certain thoughts. But, in fact, you need your anxiety to be “turned on” in order to retrain your mind. So let’s say normally when you get an intrusive thought you stop whatever you’re doing and frantically call someone to reassure you and calm you down. The message you’re sending to yourself is that this thought is harmful and you need to do anything in your power to escape from it. What if next time you got the thought, and you started having an anxious response (shaking, mind racing, wanting to escape, etc), you decided not to do anything about it? It’s going to probably feel pretty uncomfortable and scary, because normally you treat the thought as something that has to be defended against. You’re going to feel like you need to do something, to stop the anxious response. But you don’t. You need to allow yourself to feel anxious and scared without doing anything so that your mind will learn that this isn’t something dangerous. Oftentimes the response seems to increase because we’re finally allowing ourselves to feel it in its entirety. That’s ok. That’s actually a good thing. Like Paul always says, we can never be free from anxiety if we are always seeking to suppress it. Always remember, your goal is never to eliminate the thoughts or even that automatic fearful reaction to your thoughts – it’s to change your response. To stop running away, questioning, suppressing, whatever it is you do instead of just letting it all be.
Thank you Stephanie. You are right in what you say I do panic when I have these thoughts as it’s portrayed on the news so much lately. But thank you for taking the time to give advice and will try my best to get too involved in the thought or emotions .
Debbie,
Thanks for asking! Baby and I are fine. I’m at my mom’s trying to get myself back on track. How about you??
alz I miss my mom a lot. I am glad you are doing better.did your anxiety get better? I will keep you in my prayers.
Hello all,
I haven’t been posting for a longer time. I found this site 5 years ago, read the books, blogs and was applying the “accepting” since this time.
I am 32 and my problem is anxiety 24/7 for more than 15 years. When I compare my anxiety now and years ago, I feel better in general. Problem is that my anxiety never disappeared completely not even for one minute. It moves on the scale, let’s say 1 – no anxiety , 10 – extreme anxiety, when I feel happy and most relaxed possible I am at 3.5/10 (lump in throat, light pressure in chest) and when I have big setback it is maybe 8.5/10 (extremely tight throat, heavy chest pain, intrusive though, heavy depersonalisation ts etc.).
I have hobbies, I travel, I play the piano, train martial arts, my job is not stressful (although I have problems with my remembering from anxiety.). I am not adding more fear into fear, not thinking about it nor suffering from the anxiety (although the setbacks are still hard), but I cannot relax my body after years. I remember that once Paul wrote that he overcame anxiety in one year completely what I cannot understand as I am still having very hard times…I am also taking antidepressants which effect is questionable in my case.
My strong setbacks are also not for hours, nor days, but weeks… I am not sure whether I am still missing something as it takes so long. Also whether I will be able to relax completely sometime…
Thanks
Marek
.
Hi Marek,
It would be unreasonable to expect to never feel anxious/stressed/tense again. Those feelings are part of the human experience – the issue is only when they consume us and we start to let those feelings dictate how we live our lives. Believe me, I understand wanting to feel good all the time after suffering for so long, but that’s just not possible.
It sounds like you still have the habit of checking in on your anxiety. “Am I more relaxed than I was yesterday? last week? last month? last year?” Remember, the goal is to live your life regardless of how you feel. And it sounds like you’re doing that, so that’s all that really matters! Practice not rating how relaxed you feel. If you find yourself doing so, just say “who cares” and go back to what you were doing.
As long as you make your goal “complete relaxation” or “always being happy”, it will elude you. We can’t force ourselves to feel relaxed and happy any more than we can force ourselves not to feel anxious. Like Nolan on here says, what we can do is create space for relaxation/happiness/peace by choosing to focus less on how we feel and instead just live our life. Those who have recovered fully didn’t tell themselves “I’m going to get rid of all my anxiety until I’m totally relaxed and at peace!” No, they said “I can feel however I’m going to feel, who cares, I have a life to live!”
A very clear and concise way of putting it, Stephanie.
Great post.
Excellent advice Stephanie. Even with the best intentions we sometimes have to be patient with our automatic reaction, it is not easy and sometimes we have to also accept that some days we will be better at doing this than others. The point you make about focussing on being happy, relaxed, peaceful is especially relevant and helpful to me – when something else is more important than this your anxiety takes a back seat. It is the ‘trying’ to control our emotions that is creating the problem. Just getting on with what life deals you as best you can while doing what you want to do or have to do is the volume control on anxiety. Thank you for your posts , they are positive and balanced.
Hello Stephanie,
thanks for comment.
Unfortunately, I am not talking about never feeling anxiety again but about constant anxiety for long years. Only the level of anxiety is changing from quite anxious to very anxious, never without or low anxiety. I am living fully life with anxiety and not adding secondary fear into it and sure from time to time I am comparing how I feel and try to feel more relaxed, but is this a cause that I am still not recovered ? Is it bad that I listen to Waves crash on Youtube to feel more relaxed if I am not adding secondary fear or struggling? Experiencing heavy setbacks are difficult of course and even more after years of understanding the anxiety but they still occure often… I understand that there is no other way than accept anxiety, but sometimes I really doubt that there is the end of this constant anxiety…
Hi Marek,
You said, “experiencing heavy setbacks are difficult…”.
I just need to point out: it can’t be constant anxiety (in the sense of unrelenting, continually high level) and having setbacks. Because a setback assumes that you at least at some point got a little distance from the intense despair of the worst of the anxiety.
Setbacks have a way of tarring even our good moments that we had as being flukes or illusions. Now, that doesn’t mean we didn’t have those better moments. Just that they can appear, when in a setback, as being merely a mirage of no substance. And in reflecting on that it can almost seem to increase our despair. That would happen to me.
I would be having some respite from the more intense form of my anxiety. I would gain a little confidence, peace, and joy…. and then WHAM: a setback would hit me. At my worst, in a setback, I would think something like “the anxiety finally figured me out. It saw that little avenue of freedom/peace I had been on and completely torn that road up. I’m now in a worse bind than I was before.” And that would have me, during that setback, thinking it was all despair the entire time; unrelenting anxiety.
But then that storm would start to lift too. And I could better see how it was just a trick of the anxiety. An incredibly impressive and spirit-crushing trick…. but a trick nonetheless. Because here I am now (during that reprieve) not being so impressed by the anxiety; being able to see beyond the storm; feeling more of myself in myself again.
I’m just saying this because reflecting too heavily or putting too much stock into the thoughts that you have during a setback can give you a false impression of what’s really going on. I don’t say that doing that will constantly foil your recovery because I had those same thoughts and reactions during setbacks…. and I still somehow crawled out of those too.
Marek,
I still think your focus is too much on getting your anxiety to leave. And I’m not faulting you for that. I completely understand and am guilty of it too. But as long as we’re searching for relief/the exit/a cure, then we are going to suffer. I’m not saying it’s bad to engage in relaxing activities – but if you’re doing so solely to “fix” how you feel, then maybe consider whether you need to be doing that activity at all.
It is only when you can get to a place of truly not caring about how you feel that you’ll finally be free. Your feelings will no longer matter. If you’re not anxious, great. If you’re a little anxious, so what. If you’re really anxious, who cares. Even if you live the rest of your life with a low level of anxiety, it won’t matter. That’s acceptance. It’s allowing anything and everything, for as long as it wants to be there. I think sometimes we view acceptance as another removal method, when really it’s an attitude adjustment: going from effort to no effort, from caring to not caring.
Again, I understand your frustration that you’re still experiencing anxiety. But I’ll also say again, as long as you’re looking to get rid of your anxious feelings, then you’ll continue to have them.
Paul,
I’ve been a regular visitor of this blog especially since 2016 ( I just have to see how much I used to come here for help). In fact, this blog was one of the tools besides therapy which helped me recover after a stillbirth. There were SO MANY people on the blog who were willing to reply and help. Hundreds of comments were normal in a couple of days and there was a rich community of people who had accepted anxiety and were willing to help those in the throes of it. Paul, you also used to reply once in a while if and when necessary.
Now, I just fail to understand why such a helpful blog is unhelpful anymore. The last post was uploaded in November (4 months ago) and even though this site was refurbished n made more user-friendly there’s a dearth of traffic here. Just wondering what has happened.
I honestly miss the times I could turn to this blog for help. Seems like all the people who were there to help were a God sent! Paul what’s happened??
Hi all
I also used to post here and found support great but have also noticed the large decline in traffic . Just wondered where everyone is also
On the question of the decline in traffic/responses here.
Google changed the way it ranks sites last April and unless you have medical degrees behind you or are a big company name then you have no chance of ranking anymore. This has affected so many small independent sites, killing businesses overnight and so the reason few people are finding this site. All it takes is for others to move on and they are not replaced. I personally think its unfair but Google does things how they wish and it’s out of my control.
Hope that helps explain
Paul, this is still a huge resource of information and the work you have done in collating all the advice is excellent. I understand that the conversation has slowed a little but the advice is still the same. I and others will always be very grateful for the work and effort you have continued with this subject to educate people. It’s good to see update posts from people who understand the message as it reassure us when we feel we need someone who has ‘been’ there but for anyone who feels a little lost, go back over some of the older posts, you can see peoples’ journeys with this and it can be helpful if you cannot find what you want for now. Stephanie and Nolan have posted some very helpful advice this year perhaps if you re read those they will help.
I assumed that people who used to comment regularly had just moved on and were busy living their lives – which is a good thing!
Hi Alz,
You said:
“Now, I just fail to understand why such a helpful blog is unhelpful anymore.”
That’s a pretty uncharitable way to put it. I’ve been coming here since 2013 and there just are ups and downs with respects to traffic. But to say that the blog is now “unhelpful” is not a gracious way to put it. The fact is that are people who still come and post to help out others. To label that posting (because there isn’t as much of it) as ‘unhelpful” isn’t the right way to bring up the topic.
Hi Marek,
I think I can relate to you. I have had anxiety for about 15 years on and off. 5 Years ago it was very, very bad and I found Paul’s website. I have been practicing acceptance since then. I feel better than 5 years ago, but I still experience anxiety on a daily basis. Sometimes it is stronger, sometimes less so. Sometimes I am not anxious at all. However, I believe that I can’t undo 10 years of tensing up to anxiety in only 5 years and am ok with the fact that I might need to practice another 5 years or even longer. If we like it or not, we don’t have another choice than embrassing the anxieyt and everything that comes with it. When I am anxious I try to have an attitude of “so what” and “give me you worst” and try to really feel all the tension in my body. Try to be patient with yourself. Your are not alone in this!
Nolan,
I understand that you’ve been helping people for a while on this blog. You’re not one of the people who need help. If you compare this blog to 2016 when there were ppl like Doreen. Rich, rik, Bryan etc you can definitely not see any of them here since a while. I guess perhaps I can rephrase what I said – this blog is not as active as it used to be.
Perhaps it’s my sheer frustration in not finding this blog as helpful as before and there are different reasons Paul and Stephanie have given:
– recovered people have moved on
– Google has made blogs like this less accessible and mainstream
I would however not mind a regular post by Paul from time to time. And yes, I am ever grateful to you for having created this blog! As I said, it helped me out of the dumps at one of the worst phases of my life. I guess I want that kind of support right now when I’m struggling And yes you’re right – one can scroll through the archives to get help. But u know how it is with people suffering from anxious thoughts – they’re aching for reassurance which is relevant to the current anxious turn they’re going through.
Hi Alz,
There are only so many ways to give the same answer.
The answer to our questions about anxiety all comes down to the same few things; acceptance of the thoughts about- and the feeling off anxiety, not constantly seeking reassurance and continue to live your life.
You can not think your way out of anxiety and there is not going to be some kind of magical moment where it all makes sense and you forget all about your condition.
I am following this blog now for over two years, and these important lessons are taught to me by Paul, Nolan and a couple of others on this blog.
This blog has been extremely helpful to me and I can not thank the contributors enough.
My point is that everything there is to say about anxiety is already said in this blog and the comments and that there is no need to examine every other symptom, it all comes down to anxiety.
Great post, Pat.
Those are two things that really held me back early on “constantly seeking reassurance”.
I’ve mentioned this before but I had so many fake names to post under just to get people to talk more about my issues. I can remember 5 different names I was concurrently posting under asking the same questions over and over. Not really heeding the advice…. just wanting to hear the same comforting things repeatedly. But that only takes one so far.
“no need to examine every other symptom”…
This is something I’m always thankful towards Doreen for. I would frantically post my symptoms and thoughts…. explain them in great detail. Then a new thing would come up and I would latch so tightly onto that new issue thinking that this was somehow vastly different from all other manifestations of anxiety/depression. Doreen would quickly put me in check saying “it’s all the same thing: anxiety. So treat it the same”. Paul mentions this in his book too. The desire to hone in on each new manifestation of the torment is ultimately useless. But in giving up that tendency to scrutinize the individual symptoms it also helps free you (in a very modest way… though the doubt may remain for awhile).
V wise words Pat, I wouldn’t change a word of that
Alz I think I have written enough on here, it also takes 3 days just to write an article and I have also been super busy the last 12 months with the new site, audiobook and updating both books. As Pat says you can’t spend a life seeking reassurances, that’s not where recovery will come from. Everything you need is here if you stop looking for quick moments of relief and try and see the true message behind the words. You then won’t need to spend all your time looking for reassurance, you can just go back out there and live.
Hi Alz,
I understand your frustration. But I don’t think the blog’s lack of activity is the problem. You’re wanting reassurance, but I think ultimately you’re seeking relief. But what is better, temporary relief or permanent peace? Paul has given all the advice needed; it’s up to us to go out and live it. I understand wanting reassurance, but as long as you keep coming back for that “fix” you’ll continue to struggle. Take it from someone who has made that mistake so many times. And it’s not just the blog, we can do it with just about anything. “If I was sleeping better, I wouldn’t be so anxious. If the baby was sleeping better, I wouldn’t be having such a hard time. If my husband was more understanding I’d recover faster. Maybe I need to exercise more, eat that food, not eat that food, meditate, do yoga, reread Paul’s books, draft a gratitude list…” and on and in it goes. Then we wonder why it’s not working, why we’re still anxious. Because we’re spending all our energy trying to fix anxiety, to make it go away. Until we learn to accept how we feel without trying to change it, and then turn our attention away from it all, nothing will change. Like Pat said, there isn’t going to be magical moment. There’s just going to be you making decisions every day to not let anxiety dictate so much of your life, to not talk about it so much, to not seek so much reassurance, to just go about your day anxiety and all.
Again, wise words Stephanie, I spent 10 years in the exact cycle you are talking about, it was like a full-time job that kept me in a never-ending, exhausting cycle that took me nowhere. One where I thought of nothing else but the subject and forgot to just live.
Someone put this post on my facebook page that sums it up perfectly
Once I completely unfollowed all anxiety related stuff online, stopped reading books on the subject and stopped discussing it with others and finally decided that I was going to enjoy my life with or without anxiety present then it finally started to go away. If you are still spending all your day trying not to feel anxiety, then you are still giving far too much attention to it.
It is much better to acknowledge you have anxiety and decide not to let it get in the way of living your life, don’t try not to feel it, if you allow it there then you have nothing to obsess and worry about. This approach will lead to your brain focusing on other subjects, and you will start to feel engaged with the other things in your life and the world around you. Then one day you will look back, and the subject will be a distant memory.
Paul. Stephanie Nolan, pat
Thank u so much. I’ve tried different medications, the same medications etc and it’s reached a point where I feel I have gone mad and not myself. you’re right. No reassurance-seeking will help but it’s been so trying after my daughter. I’ve had intrusive thoughts of harming her etc. I just messaged my therapist saying I possibly need to be admitted. It’s all thoughts – but it’s so scary when you feel like the thoughts have taken over and you won’t be able to get out of them. I’m currently at my mother’s.. after the 9 months of preg and staying in constant anxiety I thought coming to my moms would help but I had such a bad turn. I’m talking, doing all with the thought that I won’t recover, have gone mad and won’t be able to feel normal feelings again. Yes, it’s anxiety but I feel like it’s completely pulling me in. Like I won’t be able to get out of this pit…
hi Alz,
It feels to me that you still are looking for reassurance and certainy.
You have to accept uncertainty; maybe you are a terrible person and someday you will do something horrible.
There will never be 100% certainty.
I also have intrusive thoughts about harming my children, but nowadays i just accept that and carry on.
I understand pat,
But not feeling with it, not feeling sane, I mean yes no certainty about anything but what does one do when those thoughts are so strong? Carry on? you are right. It’s reassurance-seeking but for one and a half years of continuous anxiety, I want my life back. I want a life at last -as Paul’s book is titled.
Right now perhaps it’s also the hormones? Baby’s just 4 months old. Whatever it is ( OCD as my therapist puts it) I want to accept that they’re just thoughts. Just thoughts.
Alz,
You said you want your life back and you want to accept the thoughts. Then you have to live your life with the thoughts. Right now you’re living in the typical cycle of fear. You fear the thoughts, you run around looking for relief and reassurance, you convince yourself you’re going mad, the thoughts continue to torment you. You have to stop trying to rid yourself of the thoughts. Notice I didn’t say you have to stop fearing the thoughts. It’s ok to be scared of them, especially since you’re tired and sensitive right now. But you have to stop trying to make them go away. Let them come, let the fear come (if/when it does), but continue living your life. You take the power out of the thoughts by not letting them dictate what you do/don’t do. Accepting the thoughts doesn’t mean suddenly not being bothered by them. If you sit and ruminate on the thoughts and try to will yourself not to be bothered by them anymore, it probably won’t happen. You’ll just be obsessing about the thoughts even more. No, you stop giving the thoughts your attention by focusing it on other things. The thoughts can (and most likely will) still be there, but so what. You can live your life with them screaming at you in the background.
One last thing. Claire Weekes said “these are just strange thoughts in a tired mind.” Remember that.
Steph.
Thanks a lot! You’re so right. But do you think medication will help? I’m taking the same meds I did before I got pregnant but they’re somehow not doing the trick. Anyhow yes, I can slowly see everything slipping out of my hands and I need to not let that happen.
I think medication is a personal decision. I tried it for a couple weeks and it didn’t help. I was wanting the pills to immediately make me feel better. What I discovered was I needed to learn to face my feelings and thoughts, I had to learn to live with them for as long as they were there. Pills weren’t going to do that for me.
Alz Can I just put in a polite request, can you not write in text talk please Google can penalise the site for bad spelling/grammar and also it makes it very hard to read for others. I have gone through your posts and corrected them and it took quite a while. Thanks
On the thoughts, I had them also so they are very common with anxiety sufferers. I eventually realised that I had no control over them and it was my fear of them that kept me in a loop of fighting and focusing on them. My fear came due to my identification and belief in them and this is what gave them fuel. So I was stuck in a vicious cycle of constantly fearing and trying to control my mind due to my identification with these thoughts.
I then learnt about the mind, thoughts and their harmless nature, you can find more information here https://anxietynomore.co.uk/anxiety_worrying_thoughts/
It was then that I began to give them space to be there, they were going to be there anyway so it made no sense to keep trying to fight/suppress them but the most important part is that this dropped away naturally due to me no longer identifying with them. They were now just something my mind created that had no truth and no bearing on reality. They barely held my interest anymore and I certainly no longer feared them, they were just something separate from me, internal noise passing through my conciousness.
As my anxiety fell away then so the thoughts weakened but without my constant interest and belief in them, they eventually faded into nothingness, they just had no fuel to sustain themselves. Whatever you focus on, you strengthen, so it was vital to let go of my focus also, which again came through less fear through a better understanding
So the main thing is to no longer identify them, observe them, yes, just don’t become them. I got to the point of being able to smile at them, they just seemed funny to me now. “Oh look there is an intrusive thought about harming someone, wow I remember when that would pull me into believing it” I just saw it as some anxious/negative energy within me manifesting itself through the power of thought, like the mind releasing some inner steam. It truly meant nothing to me now and without the belief, then the thought had far less emotional impact, belief in the thought is what creates an emotional hit.
I am not saying this is easy initially, we have been addicted to the mind for so long, but as you begin to become more aware of the mind and its patterns then you learn to no longer fear it.
Paul
I’m very thankful for this website and blog! My issue with anxiety has almost always been around health/physical symptoms. How do you know if a symptom is anxiety and therefore I can say “who cares” or when it might be something that needs to be checked out by a medical doctor? For example, a feeling of shortness of breath? Thanks for any and all replies!!
Hello Lynn,
I think you’ll know if something were truly wrong. But by all means, if you want to visit your doctor for peace of mind, then do so. Just be sure not to fall into the temptation of going for a check up every time a new symptom pops up. It’s the nature of anxiety for us to feel and even for our minds to tell us “oh no something is wrong.” I’ve had shortness of breath before, and of course I had the fear of “maybe this really is something serious.” Yet every time, without fail, the symptom eventually passed. So accept all your symptoms and accept even the fear and doubt of the symptoms.
Lynn – this has been my problem with anxiety. I think what Stephanie says is right. I worried for years that I would not be able to tell if something was ‘real’ or anxiety. It’ can be very hard as anxiety is very convincing that we have something that needs to be solved – no matter what it is. It can be health or thoughts or relationships. It morphs too. However, if I have learnt one thing – you have to trust that you WILL know if something is really wrong, yes you may need to get some reassurance sometimes (but that’s normal people without anxiety do too). Claire Weekes says when you get moments of glimpsing you then know and you need to trust in those moments. I think Stephanie has put it more succinctly but basically have faith accept and carry on.
Paul,
Sorry about the text talk . I didn’t realise i was writing so much of it . Hehe . Anyway , you’re right . I need to live my life with the thoughts . It’s not easy but it’s not impossible . There’s a certain reason you, Claire weekes and others talk about the acceptance path . So I accept that I have anxiety and I let it be . I live my life despite it and do the things I like doing . I’ve realised constant reassurance seeking is also a part of anxiety
Also Paul ,
How did you stop identifying with them ? By focusing on other things ? That must have taken a lot of effort right ? I know it’s the mind , thoughts etc but they are constant .
Ejam , while most of my day is spent with the thought that I have possibly gone mad ( can’t get it out of my head ), I’m continuing with exercise, prayers, meeting people etc. I was this close to seeing another psychiatrist today but what will he say? It’s anxiety! I just can’t get myself to stop identifying with the thoughts. If I could just let those thoughts be (I won’t recover etc, this is me having lost it) I guess the battle would be won.
Alz – A lot of us understand this one moment and lose it at other times. If we were not afraid we would not look for reassurance. You are not ‘missing’ something it is the nature of the habit. It tells you that there is something wrong, or in your case tells you ‘mad’ things that you would never do. People who do bad/mad things are not scared of doing them. Keep living your life with these thoughts but know they are just thoughts. Take care.
Stephanie and Ejam, thank you so much for your helpful response to my question! I appreciate so much you taking the time to reply!
All
I could do with some reminding please. I am also caught up in an obsession with my anxiety and my mind . I know I’m doing it but seem not able
To stop it and break the loop. I have GAD but since January it’s been relentless- I’ve been taking time of work and don’t want to be on my own and go out etc . Not eating . Anyway it’s the constantness of the thoughts and the way it makes me feel at times that I cannot take another moment . This feeling is awful and I just don’t know what to do with myself . I know the answer is do nothing but I always fall and seek reassurance. When I’m not anxious I wouldn’t dream of telling someone how I was feeling and asking them to help. But then anxious it’s like I’ve lost my sensible head.
So I’m now convinced I’ve had a breakdown and will be put in a psychiatric hospital . I can’t treat it as an intrusive thought as I think it could be real/come true .
Any help or thoughts ?
Hi Char,
As you know, the advice is always the same. Perhaps you’re a bit more sensitive right now so it seems more difficult to put into practice. But the advice doesn’t change. It sounds like you’re adding a lot of second fear to the thoughts: “I cannot take another moment” “I’ve lost my sensible head” “I’ve had a breakdown.” You can’t stop the thoughts. You can’t rationalize them away. You can’t will yourself to stop being afraid of them. But what you can do is practice living with them. So what if your mind is trying to convince you you’re losing it – go about your day. It’s always when we start rearranging and defining our lives because of anxiety that we struggle. Running around trying to find a way out, spooking yourself at every sensation and thought is only creating more confusion and fear. But when you give the anxiety all the space it wants to do whatever it wants, then your mind and body finally has the chance to recover. Don’t think that because your reactions seem especially intense or the thoughts seem especially strange that you’ve somehow entered a new level of anxiety. It’s all the same, deserving no special attention.
Again, let anxiety do whatever it wants. Who cares if you’re scared and tense and confused right now. Let it all be and live your life.
Ejam,
Thanks! But the thoughts are continuous. They prevent me from talking, socialising properly etc
Alz,
The thoughts are not doing anything to you. They’re just thoughts. It’s your response that is cause the struggle. Every time you respond to a thought with “I’m going mad! I can’t even function properly” you’re giving the thoughts control over your life. You keep making excuses when people give you good advice, so it’s no wonder you’re not making much progress. Once again, until you actually decide to put the advice into action – to live with the thoughts and with your fear of the thoughts – that you’ll experience change.
Stephanie
You give such good advice / any thoughts . I’ve got to look after my daughter and I’m just in a constant panic . Obsessed I’ve had a breakdown and I can’t implement acceptance
Char -Stephanie is really good at explaining this have faith in what she says. We are all at different and varying levels of acceptance and it is not linear. Our fears are sometimes stronger or weaker. We do get respite from them and the more outside focus we have the more the fear drops back. I/we know how convincing these thoughts/feelings are – when they are YOUR fears we believe that we are different to everyone else. When we are offered advice it seems other people have ‘got it’ and we still need to figure it out – that is the very nature of the habit. It’s difficult to explain this and I am by no means an expert and can only say what helps me – I have not ‘mastered’ it, but that’s fine – as it has been said here there will be no magical defining moment when we just ‘get it’. It means continuing your life with it – making ‘as best a decision’ as you can moment by moment. Accepting life is scary and that we don’t need to plan a perfect path but to move forward moment by moment accepting others are doing this too and knowing how much easier they find it when they as Stephanie said ‘just go about their day’. Char – I think we can waste a lot of energy worrying we cannot implement acceptance – it is not a ‘to do’ it’s an ‘I don’t give a fig, I’m doing this’ attitude. Not easy – but others are doing it – and we can too. One step at a time. Same with you Alz.
Stephanie sorry I missed your response above. Yes I know this information but I am unable
To implement it as I am so scared of what will happen to me. I’ve my 7 year old
With me today and I’m terrified. Normally I work and run the house but this has floored me again . I’ve my mum staying as I can’t bear to be on my own and I’m even beating myself over that as I feel I’m failing my kids
Hi Char,
I understand where you’re at. I’ve been there many times. I have a 4 year old and an 8 month old, so I get the fear of being alone when you’re anxious. Which is why I also understand that you’re making excuses when you say you can’t. I know it seems impossible, I know it’s scary, but if you’re only practicing acceptance when you feel calm and confident, then what are you really accepting? It’s when the fear is raging and your mind is racing yet you continue to slowly go about your business that change happens. Don’t wait until the fear subsides and your mind calms. Have faith that will happen all on its own. Have the courage to let the thoughts and feelings do whatever they want – but in the background while you go about your day. You’re playing with your children and you feel like you’re going crazy? Who cares. You’re preparing lunch and your hands are shaking? Oh well.
I know you’re trying to figure it all out, to grasp on to a sliver of peace or normality. But it’s all of this frantic effort that is making you feel more confused and scared. The more you struggle, the more peace and calm eludes you. So give up the struggle. Accept that right now nothing makes sense. Accept that you’re scared. Then go live your life.
Ejam
Thanks so much . I’m trying my best but I can’t help feeling I’m failing compared to others. The fear is so strong . I can’t eat until late in the evenings and I can’t be on my own.
It’s like I don’t recognise myself when it’s like this .
It’s obviously causing problems in the house aswell as it creates more work for my husband and he then gets more stressed which leads me to feel worse and so we have a viscous circle.
Just feeling trapped by all this
We understand how hard this is – tiny steps forward Char. I often have felt that I am failing to ‘get’ it but that is part of the habit of our thinking mind. It is very difficult for people who have not suffered with this to really understand how convincing it is. But it is a convincing BLUFF. I can honestly tell you it is our perception that we have a problem that is the problem. The fear is strong for lots of people – don’t feel you are failing in comparison to others, you are not, you will get better at this but you need to not be so hard on yourself too.
Can I ask another question . How do you move to acceptance ? I do not have a core belief that anxiety is NOT dangerous to me. I believe it is Dangerous as I believe it will lead me to a “mental breakdown” even though I know there is no such thing in medical terms ( I’m not talking psychosis or schizophrenia I know that they don’t come from anxiety).
If I can reassure myself on the above then the anxiety moves to its dangerous to me because I might be like this forever and what if I couldn’t handle it .
These are my core concners with my anxiety and why I can’t seem to move forward .
Any thoughts or help?
I have GAD
Char,
The problem with reassurance is it’s short-lived. At first you feel better, but then the old fears creep in and you’re back to trying to find that word or phrase or thing that comforts you.
You’re still trying to solve anxiety, when what you need to do is leave it all alone. Nolan has said many times that it was when he finally felt utterly hopeless and defeated that he started making progress. Why? because he stopped trying to fix anxiety. He accepted how he felt, no matter how awful; he even accepted that he might feel that way forever. But he went back to living his life.
I know at the moment it feels like you can’t move forward until you feel less unsure. But again, the problem with that is there will always be a new sensation or thought that will make you questioning again. You have to decide that enough is enough. You’re done trying to figure it out. You’re done trying to comfort and reassure yourself. If you’re scared, fine. If you’re questioning everything, ok. Turn your I can’t into I can and I will. Turn your what if’s into so what.
That’s a very good comment, Stephanie
I too spoke about this in my second book, how my complete surrender came not just through understanding that fighting and suppressing were utterly pointless and counterproductive, but through just bottoming out, I’d tried everything and nothing had worked. I was done, defeated, I had lost, just take me then. This is when everything changed, I had lost complete interest in struggling, fighting, suppressing, I had no fight left in me.
This is also why I explain certain symptoms. so people lose their fear of them. When you no longer fear, you don’t struggle the same, you are far more allowing of that emotion, it doesn’t hold your constant attention and the rumination begins to cease. Some people give up through understanding, some do so because they have just had enough, they become exhausted with it.
I can guarantee that most of your symptoms are not anxiety related but due to this constant battle to defeat it, not just emotionally, but mentally too. Trying to keep everything together, manage yourself, worrying about this symptom and that symptom is extremely mentally draining, all your awareness also becomes inwards and why you feel so disconnected from your surroundings, it is all logical when you see it. So much of my suffering fell away when I just gave up this fight and my mind and body began to heal itself.
Nothing needs to be defeated here, this is where so many go wrong, as it’s this fight that is causing the very symptoms they are trying to escape from and so it becomes a loop.
I can see clearly by what they write when someone has ‘got it’ and when someone is still stuck in a loop of thinking they just need that magic answer or technique to be free.
Hi Stephanie and Paul and anyone who can help,
I discovered this acceptance approach about 3 years ago now, and what I find keeps happening with me is I start the process of doing nothing, giving up, surrendering and then the storms pass and I feel peace. But whenever the storms/anxiety comes back, I fall right back into the old habit. Basically, I spend more time resisting and fighting until I get frustrated or something clicks through all the suffering and then I release but then resist again when it comes back.
The last ‘release’ I have had was in August. I think something clicked this morning again and I really appreciate the way Paul writes (I have read many different people on the same subject) because it is written so clearly and sharply. When he/you say in your book about ‘what is it you need to do? Nothing.’ And it kinda makes sense in my head again. Sorry for the rambling. I just wanted to say that even when I am ‘going through’ the releases I find that I need to constantly remind myself ‘I don’t need to do anything’ and then I relax back. I am just wondering if this is wrong and it could be why I keep getting pulled back into the storms. But on the other hand, I think it may be because I have spent so much time resisting and searching intensely, that my mind sort of reverts back to the search but then I need to remind myself and that maybe in time I will be able to do it naturally?
I hope this makes sense?
Hi Star,
Of course you might find yourself automatically resisting/searching/fighting. But don’t add anymore to it by analyzing why it’s happening – that’s just adding more resistance to resistance. When you find it happening just say “oh well” and turn your attention elsewhere. I don’t think you necessarily have try to make yourself relax. Accepting means accepting even if you’re tense or confused – but not adding any more tension or confusion by questioning why you feel that way or trying to make yourself feel differently.
That makes sense. I get a little discouraged that I haven’t mastered this after sooooo long, but it is what it is I suppose.
Thanks Stephanie
I have a question. What about stuff like self esteem/self acceptance? I’m sick of experiencing negative emotions with loneliness, rejection, etc. I want to develop thicker skin but its also exhausting trying to force myself to have it. My therapist said that looking back into the past is not going to fix anything and its about changing behaviors now. I’m scared if i don’t analyze myself and try to fix myself i’ll never become stronger or better, etc. Is Self Acceptance a huge tool into maybe lessening the intensity of emotions? And how can i do it? Surely just saying “i accept myself” doesn’t work and is just an affirmation. Any insight into this? I want to have solid self confidence but i feel like i put a microscope on myself and invite more intrusive thoughts, anxiety and i’m too scared to give that part up from me.
Hi Seth,
My personal opinion is that lack of confidence and/or self esteem is a result of anxiety. As the anxiety lifts, confidence naturally returns. I don’t think you need to force anything. I think you’d be better off practicing accepting that this is how you feel right now and then moving forward with your life. For example, social interactions can feel strange and forced when you’re anxious. Trying to foster some false sense of social confidence in an effort to make it feel less strange and forced will just result in more exhaustion and confusion. But if you accept the strangeness and try to move through social situations as gently as possible, then you remove the tension and strain that feeds the anxiety. Fixing never works when it comes to anxiety, but allowing gives your mind the rest it needs to heal itself. And with that healing will come peace and confidence.
Stephanie,
Thanks so much. I hope so.
The thing is I have always had somewhat low self-esteem from childhood bullying and not being athletic. I’ve also been a huge worrier all my life. So it’s quite possible learning to deal with bad feelings and anxiety could lift it. I know from my past that trying to force myself to be confident or judging myself for feeling bad or comparing myself and obsessing/monitoring made everything 1000x worse. I was feeling happier and confident a few days ago and then today I started feeling bad and I kind of just let it be. In the past, I would freak out and judge about how I want to feel good all the time, etc but today I just let it be and did some healthy things and let the feeling be there. I don’t feel super anxious or anything but I have this annoying brain fog, tired eyes and forehead pressure that makes me feel blah or shut down a little bit. it seems to happen in cycles where I feel better for a few days and then feel down. My guess is that the more I accept it and worry less than the symptoms will be less or stick around for less time by not giving them power. It’s just uncomfortable feeling foggy and having weird pressure feeling in the head
Hi everyone,
I have recovered of panic disorder in the past and this is largely due to Paul’s ‘teachings’ and the comments of people like Nolan, Stephanie and many others on this forum.
I am coming back to this forum not in despair. But to acknowledge the following. I am currently in a stressful situation at work and I notice that old ‘demons’ are wakening up again. The inevitable stress that comes with it, this results in ruminating. I am not yet fearful of my ruminations and thoughts, but I do see I am struggling with them more and more.
Years ago the topic of my ruminations were diseases that would kill me. I thought I had cancer, HIV. I fought with these thoughts for months up to a point that they became the centre of my life. During my last big episode of panic, 5 years ago, the topic shifted to my relationship with my wife. This was the big one as you can only keep on thinking that you have cancer until a certain point. When the doctor looks at you and starts to laugh at you because you are in his waiting room again with an imaginary disease, you kinda know that you won’t be getting chemo the next morning. For relationships, this point is much more elusive and difficult to get. Yes, there are moments during which I feel that everything is perfect the way it is. But there are lots of moments where all of this is not so clear. When in a good spell, these moments of doubt pass… or they don’t. In a bad spell (read when under continuous stress), these moments take over your whole reality. They become one big momentum of existential doubt without you having the capacity to take a step back and assessing the situation. This leads to more stress and more stress and ultimately – inevitably- to fear.
I know this. I also know that for these moments to pass I need to accept them without trying to analyze them or overcome them. Even after years of practice, it is not always easy to do this. I hate the fact that I feel doubt when I am with my wife and I want to get rid of these feelings. I want to feel perfectly fine and one with her as I know I love her. I know I do because I have been here before. Panic, stress and emotional fatigue are blocking any ray of sunlight coming from her face. They are fueling all the usual little things that annoy you in another.
I don’t have a question as I have the only answer that applies, acceptance. I only wanted to share with you the fact that even while knowing this there are moments of vulnerability. Moments during which we need to take care of ourselves. Moments to remember previous paths we took. Moments to choose new ones.
If anyone on this forum can relate to the above, I would be grateful for your reply. I know it will serve as confirmation and reassurance and that ultimately they won’t help in the long run. But I’ll enjoy it anyway 😉
Belgian,
You’ve already acknowledged the real issue is stress at work. Not your marriage. Your mind is tired and sensitive right now and ruminating, as you said. So let it if it wants to, whether that be about your wife or anything else. You already know the way 🙂
Belgian – you are having a dip. Normally you understand acceptance and feel it in your core. I have looked to you and others here for what I already know myself so many times, I have had a blip for a while but feel I am getting days where I understand now and others when I don’t. The days when you don’t are when we look to others for strength to feel what we already know. There is a piece in Paul’s second book about a man who is doubting his love for his wife – he says ‘ I really don’t know why I think this way because deep down I am sure I do love her?’ Paul said that ‘that final statement should tell you everything you need to know. And that is your thinking, is not you. Who is that person questioning why you think this way? That illustrates the fact that your thinking is separate from you. It is something that happens within you, but it is not you. So you are the one who can decide to take these thoughts seriously or not. You are the one who can decide to follow your dysfunctional thinking and let it control you or you can smile at it and take your own path.’ The man saw through the lie. You will too. It’s just you are tired and have lost your way a little – you will very soon see things clearly and know this is just anxious thinking latching on to what is most important to you. I often think of your reference to a watch … Hope you feel better soon.
Steph, Paul, ejam,
Thanks for the advice. But tell me, when you’re letting the fear adrenaline fear cycle go on because you have to live your life, does it recede on its own? Do sensitive nerves need a break or do you condition them by exposure and the conditioning makes the nerves stronger?
Also, besides new symptoms of anxiety, I’m also feeling depressed – depressed that I won’t be able to go back to my hubby, start work etc. It’s like I want to do so much but am being constrained. Do I just go back ?? Ive spent two months at my mother’s in the hope of feeling better when in fact it’s somehow made me feel worse :
– no help
– feel inadequate
– new symptoms of anxiety (scared to swim, jog, be in my room because I might start seeing things )
– don’t feel like meeting friends ( have done that and don’t feel like me)
Belgian ,
I know like ejam is saying , you’re going through a dip . He/she has given great advice and soon you will too . In fact , you can help me here if you wish .
Alz – your sensitive nerves will improve when you give them less respect. That sounds so easy – but we all know it’s not. Whether it be symptoms or thoughts they become our main aim in life is ridding ourselves of them. As our focus is removing them, they become more important – bigger. The less importance we give them – ‘ I am doing this anyway’ attitude the less important they become and shrink. It’s like a volume control. But it’s not something we have control over – we have to accept the symptom or thought but acceptance is the tricky bit. It’s not a to do – it’s a I don’t care. Alz – you are not on your own with this but the moment moves on. The braver you are the better you will find it – don’t wait to feel better – do it anyway, a bit at a time. Good luck.
Acceptance Ejam for me would mean if I’m going mad, so be it. If I’m saying the wrong things so be it. However ( notice how there’s always a but or however), why then do the symptoms worsen? I am doing things anyway but the fear is still there. That’s what I wanted to know .. will the fear lessen if I know it will be there yet I do things with the fear ???
Alz
Firstly I have had to edit two of your post again due to text talk, can you please refrain from doing so, please.
Secondly just reading your posts and the barrage of questions tells me you how hard you are working your poor mind and body, going over and over things, wanting to step straight out of how you feel, wanting the magic answer to make it all go away, questions, struggle, effort that is all wearing you out. You are not realising how much suffering you are creating yourself and why you are staying in a loop. Your questions reek of fear, fear of this and fear of that, you have totally missed the message.
For you it is all about finding something to make it go away now, you are trying to fight and think your way out of how you feel. The strain on your already anxious body and tired brain is immense, just when they both need a break to heal, you are working them even more. No one on here is going to give you that answer to make it all go away, it is when you finally give up looking for that answer that your brain finally gets the rest it so craves. It is when you finally stop battling with yourself and stop constantly worrying about how you feel that your nerves can heal and your anxiety levels go down.
When I finally realised I was creating my own suffering then it made no sense to carry on doing so. When I finally surrendered to how I felt, then there were no questions anymore, the fighting ceased. I just gave it all up and that is when things started to change. You will never get anywhere constantly searching in your mind for how to get rid of how you feel as this is what is causing it. You will never get better trying to battle your way through the day as this is what is causing it. You are in a constant loop of recreating your suffering, even the concept of allowing has turned into another technique to try and get rid of it.
Your whole posts are asking someone to make it go away today, now, no one can do that for you, it is only when you stop creating all this suffering and then allow the past suffering you have created to heal, that freedom can come.
I get what your saying Paul but it seems generic, exactly what are you saying by living with anxiety, are you saying stop worrying or questioning or analysing your anxiety and sensations, stop ruminating feelings of depression sadness fear, is that what your saying feel the feelings but don’t question them is it, it seems confusing to see what you are saying or is it me
Paul ,
I gather that one has to let go and just live on with life . The reeking of fear will go once I accept that all this is meant to happen but my core is ok . It always was .
Hello all,
Paul, I just want to start out by saying thank you. I have been dealing with anxiety for a number of years and your website and books have helped me tremendously! I have gotten much better over the years but I still struggle with brain fog and feeling extremely spaced out at times. I recently switched my medication from Lexapro to Zoloft and shortly after doing so I experienced 3 of the best weeks I have had in years from a mental clarity/ anxiety standpoint. Over the past few days, for no apparent reason, I slowly felt my thoughts turning inward and now I am in a state of fog again (tripping over words and not processing information normally). It is very frustrating for me because I have gotten to the point where I feel like my old self again only to have it slip away every time. I don’t feel like there is a real trigger a lot of the time. Is this just a normal part of the healing you talk about? Will these moments of clarity ever be more permanent? Thanks again for all of the information you have provided, you have been a real inspiration to a lot of people.
Hi Alz
I know I haven’t been on here in a while,as I have been doing well and getting on with things as normal as possible ,Paul is so right,I also battle with my mind every few months with not feeling real in myself and distant from people and things around me….
I have been in another setback the last few weeks and it is true the more we try fight it the worse symptoms become..
I try to keep off here at times and let things happen instead of searching for answers all the time,i now realize that my symptoms get so strong when I’m trying to work out what is wrong with me…
Im not suffering the physical symptoms at the moment,it’s more the strangeness thats keeping me in this loop..
Trez x
Theresa,
That is exactly where I am at. I feel as though I get to a point where everything is going great with minimal stress or anxiety… then out of nowhere the “strangeness” (fogginess/detachment/slowed thinking) sets back in… I am on this rollercoaster ride going through ups and downs of these bouts of feeling strange. It’s very discouraging because I feel as though I’ve been stuck in this phase for a long time. On a positive note, I know my true self is still there! I think that’s what we need to keep in mind and use as motivation to keep positive!
I think it’s because when this happens and we can’t find a reason for why it happens it keeps us in the loop,it’s one of the worst symptoms of.anxiety that I suffered…
Cultivatingclarity it feels hard to keep motivated at these times bit it will pass like before !!
Hi everyone hope your all doing well
I see everybody is talking about episodes and it passing etc
I’ve had anxiety now for 2 years and 4 months with may be a few good weeks inbetween is this normal?
I’m getting better at excepting and getting on with my day to day life but then bam it will just hit me so strong
The thing is when I’m in a good few days the thoughts don’t bother me as much
But when I’m bad their so strong and convincing
Thanks to anyone who takes the time to reply I really appreciate it xxx
Natalie, try not to question whether this is normal or that is normal. That’s simply another anxious thought. It’s all “normal” with anxiety. I notice you are aware exactly how long you’ve had anxiety for – again, try not to focus too much on the anxiety. Just carry on living your life.
Hi everyone. I have just finished reading At Last a Life. Over the last 3.5 years, I have read a few other books and watched a lot of Youtube videos, read some website, blogs etc. This book, however, convinced me that I don’t need more information, I already know all I need to recover. I had anxiety for the last 19 years but it was only 4 years ago when I accepted it as a disorder and because of indescribable pain I was forced to do something different. The reason I become so entangled is that I have used many techniques, which originally were created for personal development, in an attempt to avoid unpleasant/bad thoughts and feelings. That is why I was so happy to finally read that someone had a similar experience to mine – self-help books making you more trapped in your head than helping you. I have all the knowledge I need and I am on my way to full recovery.
But what next? I’m a 40 years old guy who never had a girlfriend. One reason for it was obviously social anxiety, another was my parents whom were trying to embarrass me at every occasion to make themselves feel better about their own insecurities. I have also lost almost all my friends many years ago. There are only 3 people to whom I talk from time to time. Even if will fully recover, can I still turn my life around and be happy? I don’t feel it is all in my hands because my life experience is so much different from average guy at my age it makes me think that people, especially women will always think about me in terms: “there is definitely something wrong with him”, “there are huge red flags”, “normal guy could not live like that for 40 years”. Can you really restart your life at 40 when you spent the last 19 years fighting your own thoughts instead of gaining life experience?
Thankyou Yvonne for your kind reply I just feel at times that this is as recovered as I can be I just can’t seem to get past the final hurdle x
Hey Piotr,
I wouldn’t get too hung up on what people might think of you. And those that do get hung up on those issues you mentioned…. well then at least you know who you wouldn’t want to be with; namely, a person who lacks the compassion to see that you were really suffering for awhile.
Now the fear and stress that come with getting out there and trying to find a lady to spend your time with or even friends…. treat that fear and stress the same what that you’ve learned in reading Paul’s book.
The good news is that there is no one immune from the nervousness that goes along with putting oneself out there. But now you can look at all of that fear another way… and in doing that you’ll start to mentally develop responses to those fears/concerns that are more reasonable. No longer continuing the cycle of having them (and your thoughts about them) crush you. This doesn’t mean it will all be easy. But it certainly will be rewarding.
So like the fear/nervousness that goes along with opening yourself up to others: accept it. And it will start to get easier.
Thank you Nolan for your response. I guess there is no other way for me than following your advice.
Hi just wondering if someone can help. I have been having a good few months and this last week I seem so bad it feels like I’m depressed but very anxious and I’m scared of my thoughts just seems everything has hit me. I’m wondering if maybe I’m in a setback and is this a normal part of healing. I am just giving in to the emotions and letting them be but I am also kind of focussing on them even though I’m trying not too I would be grateful for any advice thank you.
Hey everyone,
After being anxiety free for almost 2-3 years now I thought I‘d come back and share some advice. You easily forget about this blog and anxiety in general once you recover, so i had to remind myself that there are still so many people suffering that need help.
@Louise
Yes, you are in a setback and that is ok 🙂 I lost count of the setbacks I had until i reached full recovery. See setbacks as some kind of practice. You say that you’re thoughts scare you and that is normal too because you are hyper sensitive at the moment and believe everything your mind tells you. But remember, thoughts are just thoughts! They are not reality, they are just rubbish in your head. They may seem so real but look around and focus on reality: everything is ok actually:) your thoughts can’t harm you and therefore there’s no need to pay attention to them.
Hope that helps xx
Thank you Wendy for your advice it actually made sense too me. I just worry that I may get worse or never recover as I have been going through this now for nearly 3 years. But again thank you for taking the time to reply 😊
@Louise,
I suffered for pretty much 7 years, I think for Paul it was over 10. but you found this page super early and so don’t worry you will recover and you won’t suffer from anxiety for the rest of your life 🙂 I always thought that my anxiety was worse and that I would be the person who will never recover, but now here I am living a happy life. So don’t give up, stay positive and don’t spend all day hanging out with your anxiety, it doesn’t need your attention:p
Thank you Wendy. I do try and stay positive. This is probably one of my worst set backs of ever had which is why I feel so frustrated and scared. Again thank you for replying 😊
Louise, what would be it like to give up the hope of recovering but still living your life?
To accept it like you would accept anything else that you couldn’t directly change but simply had to live with.
You have this burden and this desire to lose this burden only increases your awareness of the burden which in turn increases the pain and the desperation.
But if you were to simply accept it as it is, with no hope of it leaving and went back to making your life yours again (opposed to being dictated by the anxiety) what would that be like?
I know that it’s painful but it doesn’t make it less painful to focus your attention on it.
If you were to say “I give up the fight…. I hurt but I’m going to live my life with that pain and do the things of my life again.” you would start experiencing that freedom (slowly… and with setbacks).
So you’re out and about having a good time and those dreaded thoughts and feelings start flooding in; sapping that moment of its flavor and replacing it with something much darker. But now instead of focusing your willful attention on it you say “so be it” and you go back to living your life in that moment again (though your momentary experience of it is not as enjoyable as it was a moment before).
I had momentary ups and big set backs. But it wasn’t until I finally gave up all hope of recovery and started living my life regardless that I started to feel like my mind and body was mine again.
I’d be happy to share how that transpired, but I won’t flood you with a large post.
Thank you, Nolan, for your wise words. I thought I was generally getting it letting things be and getting on with my life but I just can’t seem to let these thoughts be these are the ones I struggle with iv dealt with other thoughts but just seems I focus on these ones more plus this time I feel so detached and depressed that s frightening me just feels like I’m back at the beginning which iv never had so bad before. I’m wondering if I’ve pushed myself too far as iv been doing things more lately such as taking medication (paracetamol) which I wouldn’t have done as it’s a big fear of mine plus going out with friends more. But I’ve also been quite stressed maybe everything has just got on top of me. I’m so confused. Sorry for the long post again thank you for taking the time to reply
Nolan – I always feel more upbeat whenever I read one of your posts so thanks so much for coming back now and again.
I have made this point before and do still struggle to get my head around it a bit. You say in your journey that you gave up all chance of recovering / trying to fix yourself and accepted you would be this way forever but you would just live with it and get on with your life. This is when you saw improvements, things became easier and you, and for want of a better word, you ‘recovered’.
Now when I read that and realise it makes a lot of sense to fully accept I will have an anxiety condition forever because I have read your story, I ‘give up’ with one eye on feeling better / recovering. In doing so, I am not fully accepting I have to live with this condition regardless and I am partially doing this to eventually feel better. Does this make sense ? What is your view on this ?
Thanks again for your help. It is invaluable.
Jamie it can take a while to understand what complete surrender/allowing is as the mind always want’s something to do, it wants a plan to execute, a technique and why people continue to search for the ‘Answer’ to make it all go away, they think there is a secret that they just need to find.
I spent 10 years searching, fighting, suppressing, trying numerous sayings, techniques, I paid for and tried every method under the sun to get better and utterly failed. I reached a point where I just said ‘Anxiety you win, I’m done, I have tried everything and nothing has worked, just take me then, I’ll just be like this forever’. In this moment of absolute surrender then this sense of peace came over me, this huge burden was lifted, and I began to feel better. My anxiety had not gone, but I now realised that the majority of my suffering and the reason I stayed in a cycle was due to the fight I was having with myself/anxiety and not the anxiety itself.
This surrender then opened the door to my mind and body healing, instead of constantly suppressing/fighting my anxiety I gave it the space to be present and so it began to leave my inner space, I had also given my mind far less to do, and so it began to regain its clarity. I just gave up all control and then things started sorting themselves out.
So what Nolan is saying is he reached the same point of complete surrender by accepting that this would be him forever and it was this attitude that brought on this complete surrender. It was the end of the battle with himself as if he utterly accepted that he would be this way and was okay with it, so what was there left to battle with? The battle comes through a complete non-acceptance of it and he had relinquished that.
The reason people stay stuck in their heads instead of living their life is this constant need to ‘Do something about it’, and so it becomes a never-ending cycle, as this is not what allowing it about, it is the complete opposite. While you are continually trying to do something about it, then you are certainly not allowing. The majority of suffering lies in this constant need to manipulate and control your inner state and not what you are trying to control.
People can even slip up with this and then start ‘Trying’ to allow so as to feel better, which again goes against allowing, while you are trying in any way to feel different than you do and I mean at your grottiest, then you are not allowing.
People always want to know ‘how to’ do this and this is not a do, it is an attitude, usually arrived at when the mind has run out of techniques and strategies and becomes exhausted with it all and the surrender happens naturally. My 10 years of searching wasn’t wasted as without it then I would have not reached that place where I finally gave up. The search took me full circle and made me realise that there was nothing I could do and so through utter exhaustion, I just gave up, that day was the start of me finding freedom again.
Nolan wasn’t saying he wanted to stay this way forever, he just decided if that was the case then living his life alongside it was better than constantly fighting it. I can’t speak for him, but he probably did not know that this was going to lead to finally being free, he had just had enough of fighting.
Thank you so much for taking the time to send such a lengthy response. To get a direct response from the guy that wrote the books means a lot to me.
Yes, what you say makes complete sense. However, can you see from the outside looking in, as myself and maybe other users of the blog and readers of your books have seen see what has happened to the likes of you and Nolan that to ‘surrender’ to their anxiety, it would be with a long term view of feeling better ?
A side question – I have been trying something called CBD oil for the last few weeks or so as it has produced very good results with all sorts of medical / mental health issues. Due to the anti-depressants I also take, I am having to take minute amounts of it as it is making me very drowsy / ‘mind numb’ at the moment but I am trying to stick with it. I will continue with it as it seems to be helping with my anxiety. However, am I ‘cheating’ by doing this ? Is it just masking the problem and by trying this, I am not fully accepting my condition and living life regardless ?
@Jamie
I would not say it’s cheating but don’t focus on the anti depressants too much. Take them, but then live your life as normally as possible and don’t wait for the pills to make you feel better or numb or so.
I never took anti depressants although they were prescribed to me. I also don’t think you really need them to recover as I also recovered without them and my anxiety was reaally bad 🙂 but if you think they help you then that’s totally okay! But just don’t think too much about the reaction of those pills. They are there to help you but not for you to obsess about them 🙂
Hi Wendy
I was asking mainly about the CBD oil as I have only just started taking it (I have been taking anti depressants for several years) and it is supposed to be very good at helping with anxiety. I don’t think I get any benefit from my tablets and my aim is come off them eventually.
Just to let everyone know I have recently added a new page to the site. I will write a new post for the blog in the coming weeks, things have just been so hectic recently I haven’t had the time.
The link is below or just click the link ‘Hyperareness of oneself’ on the left of the page after clicking the home button
https://anxietynomore.co.uk/anxiety-feeling-hyperaware-of-oneself/
this summer will mark 9 years of being anxiety free. Found this site 11 years ago when I started suffering. Bought Paul’s book and read it cover to cover. Just thought I’d drop in and give a shot of hope!
Paul summed it up perfectly.
It seems so contradictory but when you get some distance on the suffering it begins to make sense.
And I was as certain as one could be that there was no end to the constant despair. I was certain that all of the physical manifestations (insomnia, hyper attentiveness to swallowing, blinking, breathing, racing heart, depression… and others) were permanent. The nightmare of anxiety became my reality and there was no leaving behind.
But I was mislead. Shortly after that moment of complete despair, where all the hope I had slowly been building up had collapsed in on itself,… when I truly gave up the notion that this pain would ever end I felt an incredibly profound moment of peace. It was like for a handful of minutes the black tapestry fell down and I could see my life with my eyes again… and I could feel my body like it was mine again. I felt true peace. It left and set backs would regularly come back…. but that break in the storm showed me something I was convinced was dead (my old self) was still there. Hidden and buried under a lot of stress, doubt, pain, fear…. but it was still there.
Hey Nolan, Paul and other ex sufferer,
I am very struggling with constant tiredness and energy loss.. I am also shaking alot. It is like an inner shaky feeling.
I am afraid that my constant chronic worries/ stress already caused some damage in my body , nerves and so on.
My mind is constantly racing and I feel really down and weak most of the time…
I cannot stop to worry about my well being (health – physical/ mentall) and Im very afraid that I wont be able to recover because I struggle with accepting. Im doing it wrong.
It feels like Im out of energy and willingness to move on.. and this scares me.
Would be glad from some advice..
best regards.
Hi Ruby,
Those symptoms you’ve mentioned I would bet are ones that most of us have felt. Along with the thoughts that those symptoms are going to cause some irreparable damage to our bodies and minds. But it’s simply not true.
Racing mind, constantly on edge, never a sense of feeling peace, and add to it the fearful thoughts that we have that reflect back on our state.
You said that you’re unable to stop the worrying – then let the worrying be there but start to focus on other things as well.
It’s like how we’ll get a repetitive part of a song playing over and over in our heads. We’re not willfully making that happen… but it’s happening. It’s like some part of our mind has gone on autopilot. Struggling against it to shut it out doesn’t work because that only leads to more frustration, exhaustion, and despair.
So let that song play over and over in your head and start to care less that it is doing that. And you start to care less by not focusing all of your willful attention on it. Same with worrying thoughts: struggling against them gives them more fuel. But you can start to care less by letting them be there and focusing (however imperfectly) your willful attention on other things too.
You have the fears and they’re already deeply with you. They have an immediate impact on your mind and body. Let them be there, let them have that crappy effect on your mind and body…. but also start to focus on the other things in your life again. Doing that is a solid way to show your body that you’re starting to care less about those thoughts.
It takes time.
Thank you Nolan – your answer replies to me too. Although I do not comment here often I seem to lurch from one symptom to the next, if the volume goes down on physical it goes up on health worries – I am healthy, but find things I focus on and frighten myself that I should be checking them out even though I know they do not require it, looking for complete clarity. I know that if I visit the doctor it is to quieten my mind and it does for 5 minutes then something else pops up, and as soon as I have left I will find a fresh problem and start getting worked up about panic and having to go again. I do not know how to let go of this – I do not trust my own judgement anymore, family members tell me I am fine but I still keep checking and making myself miserable. I would class myself as having all the knowledge and have having witnessed how it works so often but not finally letting go. I feel annoyed with myself for being on here, seeking help/reassurance when I should know better.
Dear Nolan,
thank you so much for your reply. And very good comparison example with the music!!
I just struggle so much with the tiredness/ fatigue and this brain foggy feeling in my head, I can not concentrate anymore. I’m feeling every day depressed and haunted by fear as if something sucked out my energy and joy to live.
I have anxiety for over 4 years and I’m so afraid that it is forever Nolan.
I can let this thought be there but when I get these physical symptoms together with the thoughts. I just feel awful, like I’m a prisoner of them and can’t escape my body.
How did you guys manage to live with this? It seems so impossible to me.
And my biggest fear is, that I won’t be my old self anymore and stay in this cycle forever.
How was it for you Nolan? how did you managed to stop this horrible believe: that you will stay with it forever, or you are mentally/physically damaged..? (if you had this) And how did you cope with depression?
Paul is right.
I was so bad that I made multiple bogus names to post under just to get more people talking about the issues I was struggling with.
It wasn’t the right thing to do… but that’s how desperate I was.
And yes: I was as certain as one could be that I was broken forever. My son was not even 1 year old yet and I was begging and hoping to die.
Add to that the inability of any professional I saw and it only cemented my belief that somewhere in my brain something broke… and there was no fixing it.
I did have spells of depression that would start to overtake me too. The anxiety had me terrified I would never get better and that I was broken forever…. the depression had me believing it didn’t even matter if I ever I got better. One had me convinced the nightmare would never end… the other convinced me that everything was pointless anyway (nightmare or no nightmare).
I treated both the same way: “so be it… but I have things I’m still going to do with my life.” And I started to heed less the promptings of the anxiety and depression, and started to do things with my family again.
Ruby the fogginess, tiredness and fatigue is most likely due to all the past over thinking, worrying and past attempts at trying to feel different than you do. All of these actions take tremendous effort and are extremely exhausting to the brain and body. The trouble is sufferers then worry about the fogginess, tiredness and fatigue and use their mind to try and fix/worry or work out how they feel and so exhaust it further and then end up in a never-ending cycle of suffering.
This is all Nolan and I are talking about when we say we just gave up. If the brain wanted to be foggy, exhausted and fatigued then fine, we would spend no more energy and mental effort worrying about it or trying to fix it. What happens then with this surrender? The brain gets the break it needs to refresh itself, heal. This is why you can’t think, worry or fight your way better as this is what keeps you in the cycle. The reason for your depression is all the emotional and mental energy you exert each day on how you feel, worrying about it, trying to figure it all out, trying to escape it. Our brain was not built for all this, no wonder it feels so exhausted and depressed.
You say you constantly worry.
Did my mind worry still from time to time, go over things through the habit of doing so? Yes, did I join in with it? No, I just stayed aloof to it and allowed the mind to have its worries and concerns without my involvement, interest or my identification with it. It then just began to calm all by itself.
All of this is very logical when you see it clearly, it is just the seeing that can take time.
I deeply saw that there was nothing I could do about the way I felt, my thinking/worrying mind was not the answer to recovering from the way I felt, in fact, it was the cause. Giving up the whole battle with myself eventually made utter sense to me. I saw that I was the cause of so much of my suffering and so there was nothing to get rid of, I just had to stop creating it and allow the past suffering I had created to heal.
We all want to step straight out of how we feel, but this is not possible and if it was then trust me we would have all found that magic saying or answer by now, a lot of charlatans may promise it to make money but none deliver.
I remember when Nolan first posted on here and a lot of his messages were like yours and so were many others who went on to recover and no longer post here. Recovery is there for everyone, we all work and heal the same. The people who progress the fastest are those that see the truth behind their suffering, who finally give up this battle with themselves. When I saw what I did then it no longer made any sense to do what I was doing previously, my previous battle just all fell away. Does it not make sense that if I worried less, fought less, stopped over thinking, stop trying to constantly change how I was feeling, that I would feel better? Again, it just made no sense to carry on doing this, some people get to this point through utter exhaustion, when they realise all their techniques and strategies are getting them nowhere. Nolan may have got there through utter exhaustion with trying, he had just had enough of fighting.
When you do suddenly surrender then you start to feel some peace, a lot of past suffering is still present but the battle with yourself is now over and so all of the suffering that created starts to fall away. With this surrender you then start to see how much of this battle was the cause of the way you felt, you start to really see the truth behind your suffering and what kept you in a cycle, everything starts to make sense.
You can see the way Nolan speaks that he sees things so clearly, his words flow with knowledge and not just a conceptual understanding, a real deep seeing. You can’t give this understanding to someone, they have to see it for themselves, this is why I keep writing, not as a follow me, but so you can see it for yourself. I have had many people email weeks after buying my book/visiting here and they say ‘Paul I get it now, I really get it, thank you, thank you’ the understanding has finally gone from a conceptual one to a real seeing.
Currently, your messages are full of fear and worry, this is what needs to change, as you can’t find peace through fear and worry. It needs a shift, a seeing so you give all this up and just allow yourself to feel how you do in each moment. The resistance to doing so, the complete non-acceptance, the worry and fear of it all is the cause of the majority of your suffering. If you learn to just fall into this hole you so fear, fall right into your suffering, you may begin to feel a little of the peace you are searching for, you will also then give the mind and body the break and space it so needs to heal.
It just takes the courage to do so, but just ask yourself, what have you to lose? Trust me nothing bad lies at the other end of surrender.
I hope that helps in some way
Paul – can I ask you feel on a day to day basis ? Are you now completely anxiety free or do you still experience it but it’s nowhere near as bad and doesn’t bother you ?
What is your view on things like meditation, exercise, mindfulness and over the counter / herbal medication to reduce / eradicate anxiety ? I meditate sometimes, love to run and have recently tried CBD oil in an attempt to help with my anxiety. Aren’t these things methods to not feel the way I do though which means I am not fully accepting ?
That is was meant to read “can I ask how you feel on a day to day basis ?”
Jamie, I am fine now and have no anxiety/fear/panic issues at all, it has been that long since I felt severe anxiety that I struggle to remember what it felt like apart from it being pretty horrendous to deal with.
It does not mean I walk around in some constant bliss, I have my ups and downs like everyone else, but that is all part of being human and it doesn’t really bother me, I just see it like passing weather.
On your other question: What is your view on things like meditation, exercise, mindfulness and over the counter / herbal medication to reduce/eradicate anxiety? I meditate sometimes, love to run and have recently tried CBD oil in an attempt to help with my anxiety. Aren’t these things methods to not feel the way I do though which means I am not fully accepting?
You can do whatever you wish and all the things you talk about are good for reducing anxiety. But they have to be used in the right context. If you are using them to help reduce stress then that is all well and good but if you are still worrying and stressing about life in general or how you feel then you will just keep recreating it and so these just end up as managing strategies. I see people go for weekly massages, on retreats, spa breaks and they feel great when they are doing them and then when they are over they go straight back to worrying and stressing and so deal with it with another spa break, another retreat or some herbal bath or whatever else people find to calm themselves.
So you have to make other changes so you don’t keep recreating the anxiety. Most sufferers initially go through a period of stress and worry which creates anxiety and they then worry about their anxiety, which creates more anxiety and so they stay in a never-ending cycle of recreating it. Some people just chronically worry about all things personal, their life and how they feel and so no amount of relaxation aid is going to end this cycle of suffering, they need to make some inner changes. If you cut out the root of the problem then you don’t need to spend the rest of your life trying to manage anxiety, you naturally feel calm and so don’t need to keep trying to manufacture any sense of calm. Also to be free of anxiety then you must allow yourself to feel it, a lot of the things can end up as suppression techniques not to feel it and so all the anxiety just builds up within.
When I ran or meditated etc then I did not do it to try and get rid of anything, I did it for my overall well being, if it helped with anxiety then fair enough, but it was not my aim as I knew I had to experience it, anything you refuse to feel never leaves your inner space.
So do these things as you wish for your overall well being but when anxiety arises allow yourself to feel it fully without running for some way of suppressing/escaping it. See it as steam rising from a boiling pot, if you put the lid on it then it will just stay stored up inside until the lid blows, the best thing to do is just to take the lid off and allow the steam to rise and allow it to free itself. Anxiety is just energy and when you feel anxious that is just the energy trying to leave your body, your body is trying to free it up, it doesn’t want it in there as much as you, so the process is a good thing, not a bad thing.
I spent 10 years keeping that lid on, spending hours in my head trying to find ways not to feel it, I avoided life trying not to feel it, took tablets, tried numerous techniques, sayings, read books, visited therapists, all with the aim of not feeling it and all I achieved was to utterly wear myself out and I got nowhere. When I finally realised the answer was staring me in the face all along and so I just gave up and finally allowed myself to experience it, the battle was finally over.
Dear Paul,
thank you so much for your great reply..!!
But I’m so much struggling with the surrender because even when I let myself be tired, it still scares me because the tiredness is so strong.. like I am going to fall asleep any other second. And then I become weak in my whole body and can not concentrate normally.
It feels so awful like I’m dying Paul.
I am always depressed and have no appetite and I’m so scared that I’m just a person like this, who has anxiety and depression.
I labelled myself already and that’s my biggest problem because I lost hope that it can get better, so I constantly scan my whole body for how I am doing right now and find myself always thinking and fearing my state and all my situation with anxiety, its like Im punishing myself for what I’m thinking/feeling and I’m just scared Paul, that it is too late for me already to heal.
this tiredness / no energy is so hard to accept because its constantly with me and this feeling convinced my brain that there’s something wrong with me.
And I dont know how to accept something with feels so awful and is constantly there? And what if I accept it? Im accepting it, because what else can I do? But it still wont go away..
Even if I try to not fear this feeling it’s like I’m going to die/ fall out of energy and this scares me so much. Because I feel so sick..
How did you managed to be okay with feeling so horrible, like dying? How could you move on when you feel like you have no energy anymore..
It is just so hard for me to grasp Paul.
would be glad to hear your reply!!
thx!
Paul – that is brilliant to hear that anxiety has minimal effect on your life now and gives us all hope that things can change with the right approach.
Moving onto my second question, as you say, I find myself trying to meditate most days and I feel calmer for the 10 minutes I am meditating but then drift back to my old ways when I have finished. I then question how much benefit I get from the meditation.
Your recent post about hyper-awareness of oneself and previous intrusive thoughts post both resonate with me a lot as these seem to be the areas that affect me the most on a daily basis. When I recently tried taking CBD oil for a period as it had very good results for anxiety, due to the interaction with the anti depressant I take, it made me quite unwell (drowsy / very hard to concentrate / headache) which then ramped up the ‘hyper awareness of one self’ problem as I would stress about how it was making me feel, how I would concentrate for the day, how long the effects would last etc. After a couple of weeks, I just decided to stop taking it again and go without it and then worried that I should persevere with it and the anxiety might get very bad without it.
You have said many times that there is no ‘do’ in recovering from anxiety but just a new attitude to it. Due to the constant checking how I feel and worrying if I do not feel 100% and reacting to lots of negative/worrying thoughts, I then find myself actively trying NOT to react to thoughts and NOT to be bothered about how I feel on a daily basis. This then feels like there are two “do’s” I am trying to put into place and find myself reading both blog posts multiple times.
Hi paul/nolan and others who have recovered
I’ve had anxiety for 9 years, but recently its got the worst its ever been. I had a huge panic attack and ever since been absolutely petrified. Not really eating, trying to run 5k every morning in a frenzy. Going mad on google. I keep getting rushes of terrifying thoughts, mainly revolving around losing my mind and suicide, what if lost control and ended it etc. The thoughts are constant and relentless. Been suffering so long with the anx think its finally got too much and become super emotional and scared and depressed like never before. Can you offer any advice, i’m trying really hard to dispel thoughts as nonsense but so incredibly scared. My therapist didn’t seem to concerned as she knows these are nonsense thoughts too. But never felt them hit with such impact, seriously considering going to a doctor to take something to take the edge off.
Any help hugely appreciated
Nick
Ruby, it is very hard to see how much of a part you are playing in how you feel, we don’t just feel utterly exhausted for no reason. Your message is full of fear, worry and over thinking and this is what is keeping you in a cycle of feeling the way you do. You are not giving your mind a chance to heal, you think if you feel exhausted and depressed then you must keep looking for a way out, that you are stuck this way forever. This is not true and you are not giving yourself a chance to find out.
All this scanning, fearing and worrying about your current state is exactly the reason you are staying in it. It is like having a broken leg and going out for a run each day to fix it and then saying ‘But Paul I don’t understand why my leg still hurts, why is it not healing’. The surrendering to how you feel gives it the rest your mind so utterly craves, how can it heal if you spend all day thinking, worrying, fearing etc? It can’t, the surrender stops all this, you just give up this pointless battle and allow yourself to feel the way you do.
I can only keep pointing people to this truth, but I can’t make them see it for themselves and stop, this is up to them.
I surrendered because I knew it was the only way to heal, I knew I would feel mentally exhausted and depressed for a while, I had created this suffering and so it would take time to heal. Was it pleasant? No, but what choice did I have to finally give in and stop fighting it all? Has worrying about it ever worked, has fighting it made you feel better? It doesn’t and never will, it makes things worse, just like running on a broken leg will, when you stop running on it the pain will be there for a while but now it has the chance to heal. It is not about ‘How did you accept it when it felt so awful’ surrendering felt far better than fighting/worrying/fearing/ruminating and it was my only chance to recover, I never stood a chance with my past approach.
Ruby, there is no quick fix, you can’t fight, worry or think your way better, all this is does is exhaust you more, it is your non-acceptance of it that is causing you to stay in the cycle. When I fully accepted this was me, just totally fell into my suffering without trying to escape it, suppress it or fix it then it took a few months before I felt real progress, but little by little the old me started to appear, I felt less anxious, less depressed and started to feel far more clarity.
You will get to that point eventually, either through utter exhaustion with fighting or through a real seeing, when you see the truth as I did then it no longer makes sense to keep fighting/worrying/thinking, you realise that it was all that, that was the cause of your suffering.
The simple cycle is you worry/fear/fight/over think and due to this feel awful and create a whole host of symptoms, so you worry/fear/fight/over think about these symptoms, this makes them worse and so you worry/fear/fight/over think, even more, so you feel worse and so you…….well I think you see the cycle so many fall into.
Jamie, you say: Due to the constant checking how I feel and worrying if I do not feel 100%
This is your mistake, that shows you are not allowing yourself to feel how you do otherwise you would not care how you felt, there would be no need to check how you are feeling, no need to worry as it would not matter. You are not allowing yourself to feel how you do, you are looking for ways to constantly feel good and this is the total opposite of what allowing is.
Unfortunately, I am away touring for a while so am unable to answer any more questions.
Paul
Hi everyone – I struggle with self care, does anyone have any tips?
Hi Stephanie/ anyone who can help
I’m still not doing good. It feels like I am going in circles, it feels pointless and very rejecting.
I had a moment yesterday where I thought I cant live like this anymore, it’s too much and i was kinder to myself and not so hard and put so much pressure, I felt this was right way and in the past I have found this is the only way I really get to accept, when I am fed up of all the rubbish.
But maybe I just am made to suffer because it’s what I always go back to. It’s frustrating.
Louise berry how are you getting on I feel exact same as you would be nice to have a chat xx
your book is truly amazing. a friend lend it to me. so helpful.
Hi Nolan, Paul, ex-sufferers,
I don’t typically post on here but I’m going through a difficult patch at the moment. I presume this is a setback as I was having many good days the past couple months and I remember thinking a week ago it felt like a miracle as I had moments of completely forgetting about anxiety and it just seemed truly incredible, like I was finally making my way out of this. My sleep issues were nearly gone aside from minor things like waking up throughout the night – which honestly didn’t bother me too much as I always fell back asleep. The last week has been more challenging and just last night I had a very rough night – as I was so focused on wanting to sleep, every time I started to drift off I found myself awake again. This was the first time this has happened in many many months. I addressed Nolan in particular as I find his posts helpful and know he has struggled with anxiety induced insomnia in the past. But I appreciate any advice on how to handle these very intense moments of dread which result from the inability to let go into sleep. Like I said I’m sure this is a setback but it’s tough to see it as such in the moment so I’m trying not to fall for the anxiety trick of my good days simply being a “fluke” and latching onto the idea of needing medication (which up until now I have not taken any meds). But in my weaker moments my mind tends to go there and think “you must need medicine after all.” I’m aware this is me searching for a magic fix and maybe even this post is just seeking that same magic reassurance.
Hi all,
This is my first post on here but I’m struggling with something. I have a strange worry from time to time. I’m trying to master acceptance but when I’m at home and want to do something I worry about if it’s not avoiding. For example: I think to myself: I’m going to jog, and immediately I get a thought: ‘is this not an avoiding my anxiety?’ This is really frustrating, because I don’t know anymore if I’m doing things because avoiding/distraction or just to lead my normal life! I’m not scared to do things, I can do everything.
What do you guys think about this?
Nick,
I think if you go for a jog with the mindset that it is good for your health and better than lying around worrying then jog and let the thoughts be there, I am also battling with this, sometimes if feels like it is paralyzing me but I’ve decided that I can’t just sit and constantly think about this, I need to get out not run away from this as I really wish we could but just go blow off some excess adrenaline, I do a rebounding class once a week and a yoga class just to help me accept anxiety as an energy and to be with people helps me a lot as I am working from home, helps to stop the constant inward thinking.
I have had many setbacks some was not that bad, I’m experiencing another setback this time it feels like hell is on me and I’m doomed forever, my body wants to scream “get me out of here” and It feels like shock waves going through my body, then something happens and my appetite disappears and this makes me feel down. I know we should not seek constant reassurance but find that this blog and Paul’s books definitely helped me get this far, so yes it helps to read others post when I feel I’ve lost all hope, I haven’t read a post year about someone loosing their appetite yet but it is still good to chat to other sufferers. Just be strong and know that you can get through this, bit by bit, layer by layer! If it’s uncomfortable then it’s fine, we can do this!!!
Is there anyone who also suffer from loss of appetite, should I also just float through this? I am just so stressed that it will cause other issues!!! Family and friends keep telling me how much weight I’ve lost and this is also stressing me out! I eat but very small quantities as it feels like I have a knot in my stomach.
I was doing fine, I’ve went from constantly feeling anxious to experiencing anxiety setbacks once a month and I was also fine with that, but then the other day I’ve had the horrible setback where a flash of adrenaline was released while we were at family over the Christmas and I’ve instantly lost my appetite, this was a bad one and now I’m finding myself in a loop again!!! It’s been 8 months since I’ve weaned myself of meds as that didn’t help, now I’m wondering if I should go back on them to atleast get my appetite back.
Please guys let me know x
Guys.. Paul, Nolan and other ex-sufferer,
HOW DO I STOP FEARING FEAR (and its symptoms)?
I just dont get it. I just cant ignore all this or not react.. It doesnt work like this, as soon as I feel this symptoms, sweaty palms, fast heart beat, this dreaded feeling – I *click* and my logical thinking dissapears..
Ruby, Paul & Nolan,
I feel exactly the same, I have had moments of pure bliss, where I didn’t experience any anxiety, I’ve had some setbacks before but nothing like the one I’m having right now, I am trying to float through it though, but my nerves are so sensitized and I’ve completely lost my appetite, this is so scary! I know it’s because of fear and the fear of these symptoms. Do you have atleast have an appetite? I don’t know what to do, my mind is telling me, go to the doctor and get your antidepressants, but It took me a while to get off them. I really feel I’ve lost all hope! That dreaded morning feeling sucks when you know you need to eat but still don’t have the appetite, will it come back? Is there anyone else who experienced this and recovered? I’m really feeling low and depressed, quilty as I have a beautiful daughter who needs me and a husband who deserves to have his wife back. The old me, the fun me
I’m also having trouble sleeping now, where in the past I didn’t, when I fall to sleep I suddenly wake up and feels like a shock of adrenaline just went through me like an electric shock. @Ruby, you are not alone, hope that in a way helps a bit.
Hi Bia,
I had the exact same as what you’re mentioning. I also had kind of shock of adrenaline before I had the feeling I fall to sleep. You then feel you’re completely waked up again.
In the time I read a book about it called ‘The sleep book’ by Guy Meadows. My conclusion was that the reaction to this ‘adrenaline rush’ is really important. If you decide to react to it like: lie in another position, get out of bed, get another sleep pill, you’re telling your brain that you can’t sleep so you have to do something about it. Just stay in the same position, don’t do anything and wait until you fall in sleep.
I hope this helps.
Ruby fear feels scary, that’s the reality of fear, you can allow this feeling too by understand fear better, unmasking it, seeing through its limits. People who have a huge fear of it are scared it will manifest and overtake them somehow. Fear is a natural response in everyone, so it serves a purpose. This means it can’t be harmful in anyway (as uncomfortable as it is). So it still felt scary and uncomfortable to me but I finally saw through it, saw it as just energy releasing itself, uncomfortable energy yes, but harmless as the same and I saw it had its lkmits, I eventually just lost my fear of fear but this does not mean I could deny its presence.
Read this article, no one can just magic your fear away, it is the fear of the fear and refusal to allow it that keeps you in the cycle.
https://anxietynomore.co.uk/panic_attacks/
Dear Paul,
thank you for your reply.
but what does it mean to allow fear, you yourself state that it is meant to feel scary, so how can I then not be scared of it? If this fear comes like automatic.
I will read the article, and thank you Bia for your words, hope you are doing better!
Hi Ruby,
What I understand from Paul’s reply is that even if the fear feels scary, we should just see it as energy wanting to be released, just do nothing even if you feel scared just accept it as energy, whenever I feel like this I just keep telling myself it’s ok just “let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back in anymore” I try to float through, try not to say words like “ not this feeling again, I can’t take it” because this will only make it worse.
I feel a bit better today, tried eating small amounts and some fruit that’s much easier to swallow. I still feel down, cried a bit but also see it as a release and just go with the emotions.
Feel the fear but so what!!!!
We can do this!
Bia,
Your lost of appetite is not that unusual. In the mode of Fight or run, all energy going into muscles, to help you. So what you do not need at this moment is digestive system or procreation system. So they slowing down. My friend lost 15 kg within 2 months at the beginning of her anxiety. Nothing to worry, she gained that back plus additional 15kg. When I was in my worse time, I lost almost 4 kg within 5 days. I could not eat anything. At all. Still if I feel very stressed, I do not eat. Apple and toast is the most I can do. Just relax and understand, that nothing is wrong with you.
Hi Agni,
Thank you 🙏 knowing this helps me a lot, I know I should not place any importance on me loosing weight but I really got so worried especially now when people tell me I need to eat because I look too thin!
I eat 3 times a day, small portions but I try. I find it most difficult when we are with friends or family feels like Everyone is starring and can’t swallow the food. I was never a big eater, don’t know why I am making such a fuzz over this. It is only when I have setbacks Or when I feel a rush of adrenaline, I accept it or try to float through it and let it pass but then the loss of appetite follow and it feels like I’m back where I started. Now I know I won’t die and I will never get onto a scale until I think I’m so fat that I have to 😝
Hope you are doing well, thank you for taking the time to message me.
Ruby people who jump out of Aeroplanes feel scared before they jump, it doesn’t mean fear should be avoided at all cost and never be felt, Bia has the right understanding.
Just because fear felt like fear to me, it does not mean I feared its presence, it was just uncomfortable energy, one that needed to be released and for that, I had to allow myself to experience it while no longer allowing it to dictate what I did and did not do. So yes, it felt scary, yes it was uncomfortable but I understood it was completely harmless and so allowed its presence within me. You seem to be trying to get to a point where it is not there, where it is not uncomfortable and you never will. This fearful; energy is within you and keeps coming up to be released, you need to allow this, knowing that although uncomfortable it is harmless energy and allowing it is a process that will free it from within you. Your body is doing you a favour here, it doesnt want this energy within as much as you don’t. There is no reason to fear, fear, you have to understand it has its limits, there is no point of no return, apart from being uncomfortable, there is nothing wrong with it, it is part of nature.
The way you view fear makes sure you don’t add fear to fear where you are in constant fear of it. I got to that point through understanding, it did not mean it did not feel uncomfortable when it arose or there was a pull to escape, there was but I had a very good understanding of it and so was no longer in fear of its presence. You will have heard the phrase ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’ it just means it is harmless, it can’t hurt you. By no longer allowing it to hold you back then you also retrain the brain that the world is a safe place to be, it then starts to turn the fear reaction down within the brain, this is different than the energy you have stored up but is two sides of the same coin. You can feel fear in the mind without the release of stored up energy, so you are dealing with both here.
I can’t tell you any more than here and in the article, just try and grasp the truth in what I am saying rather than looking for some magic answer or technique to overcome it. It is your fear of the fear that is keeping you in the cycle, you need to be open to it and understanding its true nature allows this process to occur.
Paul thank you for taking the time to explain this fear of fear cycle, you explained it nicely, I think it is easier to understand now.
Something I started doing when I feel the release is getting too intense and I want to escape, I visualize how I walk towards this “scared” ball of energy who wants to get out, take its hand and say “let’s do this together” and I imagine myself sitting next to it doing nothing and after a while, I still feel this energy but it is not that intense, it is still uncomfortable and yes I want to be at the point where I don’t feel this permanently but I know I need to let the energy get out first!
I have read both your books 6 months ago, it gave me the courage to grow and accept, but like you’ve explained after reading the books I felt a sudden relieve and thought I finally get this thing, it is over, but then I had a setback, and another and another, whenever my mind tells me recovery is not for me, I go to the setback section and I read all the testimonies, It really gives me hope. Recently had a really huge setback as I didn’t experience any anxiety or fear for more than a month, I started to forget how it felt and then “BANG” one day out of the blue I felt a huge shock going through my body, felt a pit in my stomach and I lost my appetite, I have made the same mistake, I started fearing again and then Fear the fear and its symptoms, my mind kept telling me you are not strong enough, go back on your meds and I just wanted that reassurance that this was normal, it was just another energy release nothing to be afraid of! My releases are more frequent and intense but I just see them as layers coming off even though it SUCKS and I want to feel better, I need to accept as best as I can.
Paul once again thank you, thank you for helping and sharing your experience with us.
Just want to add that I don’t use the visualization as a technique not to feel the fear but rather to help me go towards it and accept it.
I know I’m not recovered yet but on my way to recovery and I thank God for you and your Books. Be blessed
Do not worry, you will get there.
Agni, thank you! I keep telling myself Everyday In every way I am getting better and better, even if it’s small steps!
Hi Paul/others/ex-sufferers
I’m really wondering if you can give me some advice. In the past, I had fears of heart attack and I experienced some panic attacks (I guess 3 or 4 in total). I felt for 3 years that there must be something wrong. I don’t know exactly how but at a point I wasn’t fearing the heart attack/chest issues anymore. Maybe because my physiotherapist explained to me how stress and worry can cause these issues.
But now, since July ‘19 or something, I have developed a fear of harm and a fear of depression (I think they are more or less the same). I’m studying at university and it is a tough and boring study and it gives me a lot of stress (but I want to finish it AND when I think about quitting it gives me the fear that I will get depressed because not finished it!). I don’t get any panic attacks but is more like a high level of fear during the day.
Now I’m at a point that even small decisions do questioning me: if I do this, won’t I get a depressed feeling? Am I not avoiding fear now? Does this avoiding not make me depressed more?
This is really frustrating because it feels like you can’t do anything good because I’m not sure if it’s a good choice. The same with alcohol: do I have to drink or not? In the past, I really liked to drink alcohol with friends. But I read that alcohol isn’t a good idea in an anxiety state. Do I have to not drink than or do I have to? I liked to do it in the past.
I’m really unsure about the decisions I have to make, and that’s caused by my fear of depression and my ‘obsession for this acceptance method’ I guess.
Anyone any advice?
Nick
Hi Nick,
Have you read Paul’s books? There is a section where he touches on intrusive thoughts
Read the link below:
https://anxietynomore.co.uk/anxiety_worrying_thoughts/
Just accept it as your mind being tired and making noise, don’t give it any attention as soon as you attach yourself to a though you can’t seem to release it, so just let it run tired and know that it is just your mind playing tricks on you, also remember that constant thinking is exhausting and can make you feel depressed and accept that emotion, that too will pass.
Hope this helps a bit
Hi Bia,
Thanks for your very quick reply! I guess it is helpful. Last nights I slept really bad because of these thoughts, who are constantly racing in my mind. It’s really difficult for me to let them just pass, I don’t know how exactly. I’m wondering: what thoughts should I give attention instead of them?
Yesterday I had a few moments that a fearful thought came and I just said: ah that’s a thought from my anxious/sensitized mind. And just go on. Today I’m worrying: was that a good technique? Well, it’s a technique so it isn’t accepting maybe, and I’m worried again. Now I’m involved and can’t see it as a thought of my anxious mind.
Nick
Nick,
I know it is really difficult especially if these thoughts come with such a force and it feels like you can’t switch it off.
You say that you wonder which thoughts you should give attention to, don’t give any thought that makes you feel anxious any attention, just accept that your mind is exhausted at the moment. Don’t worry about your thoughts they are just energy if you worry you will create more energy and will keep you in a worry cycle.
I have had many Compulsive and repetitive thoughts, when I’m down they feel more depressed, when I’m anxious they make me feel fearful, I just try not to pay them any attention, as you cannot control the mind at all, don’t try to change or suppress thoughts you will only create a storm!
know they are there, acknowledge them, accept them and go on with what You needed or wanted to do. If you enjoyed having a drink with friends then do that, just as long as you don’t use alcohol to suppress any thoughts, have a drink, have some fun, chat with friends it will also help to stop the inward obsessive thinking.
Read this article about hyper-awareness
https://anxietynomore.co.uk/anxiety-feeling-hyperaware-of-oneself/
Hope you get some sleep tonight and remember that you are strong enough to get through this, layer by layer, bit by bit!
Focus on the step in front of you, not the whole staircase and don’t be too hard on yourself.
You’re welcome Bia and you are on the right track, you just need to be patient, those small steps will turn into huge strides soon enough
Hi all,
I’m wondering about something i’m struggling with for long.
When I’m excercising my intrusive thoughts are so much increasing. While jogging or do another kind of excercise, the first minutes are ok but after 10/15 minutes my intrusive thoughts are becoming heavier. Is this normal?
Nick
Hey Paul,
I am practising not to react to my panic attacks.
I let them come, after time they go away.
I struggle with not reacting to the sensations which come together with the panic attack. This heart racing and the sweaty palms/feet are the worse for me. It’s like I can lie with it and watch it subside after time. but still can’t concentrate during the panic attack on continuing watching a movie for example. I just can lie with my panic attack – and concentrate on it, and what symptoms it creates. Is it still the right approach?
Or should I come to a point where it won’t bother me anymore?
Because I really try then to concentrate on the movie, but I just can’t because the symptoms/sensations of the panic attack are too intense.
would be glad for your help.