My first experience with Depersonalisation

My first experience with depersonalisation came after a prolonged period of anxiety. For months, I had been excessively worrying about my anxiety—how it was affecting my life and what I needed to do to recover from it. Then, one day, I was stroking the family pet when I suddenly had an out-of-body experience, as if I were snatched from reality and placed into some dream. The act of stroking my dog no longer seemed real.

To say this feeling of unreality scared me would be an understatement. I had no idea what was wrong or why I felt this way, but I secretly hoped that by morning I would feel fine. Unfortunately, when I woke up, the feeling had only intensified. I went to work, and although I could still perform my job, I couldn’t seem to connect with those around me. It felt like I was in one world and they were in another. It was as though I were stuck in a dream I couldn’t wake up from.

Not only did I have to deal with anxiety, but now I also had to deal with a new feeling of complete detachment and emotional shutdown from reality. At least with anxiety, I could still feel emotions. Now, I felt nothing—no emotional connection to anyone, no sadness, no joy. I felt like a walking, empty shell, no longer part of the world around me.

The worst part was that I had no idea why I felt this way, so I had no point of reference for research. Even when I went to my doctor to explain how I felt, he was unable to provide an explanation. I was simply given some tablets and told to take it easy for a while.

Unfortunately, because I didn’t understand what was happening, I did what I always did—I worried. I spent all day in my head trying to make sense of what was wrong while desperately trying to fix it. This constant overthinking and concern went on for weeks, and so I began to sink deeper.

My darkest day came when I couldn’t sleep due to my excessive overthinking and need for escape, so I went outside at 4 am and just walked the streets for hours. Looking back, I feel this was a form of trying to escape myself, but as we all know, wherever you go, you have to take your mind with you.

As time went on, all I knew was that things were getting worse, not better. I would look in the mirror and wonder if I even existed anymore. I would splash water on my face to reassure myself I was still there and even count cars passing by in an attempt to stay connected to the outside world.

Each day, I longed for sleep as an escape from my personal hell, only to wake up with a deep sense of dread, realising this was now my reality. I searched the internet and visited counsellors in a desperate attempt to find answers, but at the time, there was little relevant information and no clear explanation.

The turning point in my recovery

After around three years of feeling this way, I was on my way to see another counsellor. As I arrived early, I decided to visit a café and get something to eat. While I was waiting in line, I was doing my usual deep thinking—introspecting about why I felt so dream-like and detached. Suddenly, I looked around and noticed people simply chatting and enjoying each other’s company.

My initial thought was, how lucky they are. Then another thought followed: the only reason they feel so present and connected is that they aren’t constantly analysing themselves like I am. I have no idea where that thought came from or why it came to me on that particular day, but it hit me hard. I left the café and didn’t go to my appointment with the counsellor. Instead, I went straight home and said to myself, “You have been doing this to yourself, Paul.”

This insight came to me so clearly that it brought instant relief. All the overthinking and struggling with the condition suddenly fell away.

This wasn’t the end of my depersonalisation, but for the first time, I could see a different way forward. I realised this wasn’t something I needed to fight—it was something I needed to stop creating.

I reflected on when it had first started and concluded that it was my constant worry and concern about my initial anxiety that had created this feeling. Now, it was my continued worry and concern about the condition itself that was sustaining it.

I truly believe this insight came because I had reached a dead end. Nothing I had been doing was working, and my lived experience showed me that the more I thought about it, focused on it, and fought it, the stronger it became.

It was then that I decided that, to overcome it, I needed to do three things:

  • Go back to living my life, even though I felt off and disconnected. To feel normal again, I had to return to normal living.
  • End the overthinking that came with trying to “solve” myself, knowing this would give my mind the break it so desperately needed.
  • Let go of the need to escape the feeling—get out of my head and place my attention back on the outside world rather than my inner world, trusting that this would help me reconnect with it again.

                        Understanding the cycle

Depersonalisation cycle

I could now see clearly that my brain couldn’t cope with what I had been putting it through. All the analysing, deep thinking, and inward focus had been my attempt to overcome the problem, when in reality, they had been the cause all along.

I had entered a cycle of my own making that looked like this:

Worry, concern, and inward thinking → increased depersonalisation → more worry, concern, and inward thinking → continued depersonalisation.

Everything I was doing to try to get better was the very reason I was getting worse.

When I recognised the loop I was in, I felt both relief and sadness—relief that I finally understood, and sadness that I had spent so many years stuck in it. At times, I even criticised myself for not seeing it sooner. I also felt disappointed that no one had been able to explain this to me when I first sought help. But given how little information there was on the subject at the time, there was no one to guide me.

Finally breaking the loop

Now that the recovery process made sense, I began to put it into practice. When I woke up with feelings of detachment and exhaustion, I simply carried on with my day. At first, this wasn’t easy—I still felt little joy in anything—but I understood that this was normal and that recovery would take time.

I began to see it like this: if I ran ten marathons in ten days and felt completely exhausted, understanding why I felt that way wouldn’t cure me. Only stopping and allowing my body to recover would.

So I started living my life again, even while feeling mentally off and exhausted. I would go for walks without trying to fix how I felt. I would go swimming, even when I felt disconnected from my surroundings.

What I began to notice were small moments of joy—brief flashes of normality—which reassured me that I was on the right path.

There were days when I felt completely disconnected and others when normality felt close. I made a conscious decision not to resist the bad days or cling to the good ones. This natural up-and-down felt like progress, because before, there had been no good days at all—no joy and no relief.

Recovery from Depersonalisation takes time

The most important part of this process was accepting that recovery would take time. Any attempt to rush it, or frustration around not being able to step straight out of it, would only pull me back into the same habits that had sustained the condition. My mind needed nothing to worry about, nothing to solve, and nothing to analyse.

This is why this approach worked so well—I was finally giving my brain the rest it had been craving for so long. Gradually, with time, moments of clarity, connection, and joy began to return.

I would love to say there was a single day when it all disappeared, but it didn’t happen like that. Recovery was gradual. The days of clarity began to outweigh the days of disconnection. The moments of joy became more frequent than the feelings of emptiness. The world slowly regained its depth, and the exhaustion began to lift.

One thing that helped me greatly was accepting this gradual progress and not seeing a bad day as a setback. Experiencing moments of joy, clarity, and connection again was enough for me. I stopped chasing recovery and instead allowed it to come to me.

It was only years later, after I had recovered, that I came across a book explaining depersonalisation and realised that this was exactly what I had experienced. Even though it was behind me, it was comforting to finally put a name to it and understand it more deeply.

This experience—along with my recovery from anxiety—inspired me to create a website and write about it so that others could find the understanding and guidance I never had.

A Final Message

Recovery from depersonalisation is possible—I’ve been there myself, and so have many others.

It doesn’t come from fighting the feeling but from understanding it and giving your mind the space it needs to recover.

If you can step out of the cycle of worry, the need to constantly “solve” yourself, and deep introspection—and instead return to living your life—things will begin to change naturally. With patience, understanding and the right approach, recovery becomes inevitable.

I hope my story helps you find your own way back to your true self.

How I recovered from 10 years of Anxiety

My book, At Last a Life, has sold over 200,000 copies worldwide and tells the story of how I recovered from 10 years of anxiety and panic.

If you’re tired of trying endless techniques and just want your life back, At Last a Life explains the understanding and approach that helped me fully recover and has helped countless others do the same.

My book At Last a Life has sold over 200,000 copies worldwide and tells the story of how I recovered from 10 years of anxiety and panic.

If you’re tired of trying endless techniques and just want your life back, At Last a Life explains the understanding and approach that helped me fully recover and has helped countless others do the same.

Get the eBook instantly, or order the physical paperback directly through my secure shop. 👉 Order Direct from My Shop

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Paul David
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