I get asked many times what I did to recover. I tell them my recovery came through making loads of mistakes. In fact no one made as many mistakes as me. One week I thought I had the answer, that this was it, the end of my suffering, when really all I had found was something to cover it up for a while. I went from one technique to another, one idea to the next, until I finally realised that I never had any control in the first place, that nothing I could do through personal will could ever rid myself of my suffering. To clear the muddy waters I had to stop stirring them. I saw it like a snow globe, that the only time it settles is when you stop shaking it. I could never force peace of mind, never fight or think my way better.
I got to this point through exhausting every avenue until I realised that this direction was not the answer. When I gave up, truly gave up, I felt a lot calmer. Sometimes the storm would rage, but without me trying to push the storm away it was allowed to just play itself out and eventually calm would be restored. It was all trapped energy within me, that was my suffering, me fighting with it just created more energy and I stayed stuck.
Finally I realised all along that my emotions were sending me a message. That message was that you’re still going in the wrong direction. Stop over thinking, stop fighting, stop worrying. I realised that I was just trying to fight the messenger. These emotions were not bad, they were just telling me something was wrong. When we are hungry then our body sends the message to eat food, when we have pain the body is telling is to go check it out. When I felt overly anxious it was my bodies way of telling me to stop worrying, fighting, analysing, that it was not good for me.
I finally listened……