Well I hope everyone is well, today I wanted to talk about a realisation I had on my own journey. I had many A-Ha moments and this one came after weeks of being at war with my thoughts and feelings. I knew the right path, but for some reason I always seemed to be tricked back into fight mode.
The A-Ha moment strangely came in the middle of the night, I woke up around 4am and felt the usual rush of thoughts and feelings, but this time I felt strangely calm too. I realised, that although I had these thoughts and feelings, I had not properly woken up and had not had time to question and fight them. Then it hit me really hard and I wrote this statement down and that was;
“Feeling a certain way does not make me struggle and suffer, it is not wanting to feel a certain way that does”.
That morning I woke and felt calmer, I still had these thoughts and feelings, but for once I wasted no energy trying to make things right or question it all, I just got on with what I was doing, with this, the symptoms sort of separated from me, instead of being ‘me’, like in the past.
I read somewhere once, that if you want people’s acceptance, you will be forever searching for it, you will never be satisfied and will waste so much energy trying to get it at a massive cost to you and your health and the ones who don’t look for it are the ones that waste no time searching, but ultimately get it.
This was the same with me, it was my constant search not to suffer this way, that was draining me and causing me pain. Whilst I carried on looking for a cure I would never be satisfied. Not only that, but I was telling myself I was broken, that I needed fixing, I did not, I just needed to step out of my own way and let my mind and body heal itself.
When I wrote my book ‘At last a life’ I never used phrases like ‘Eliminate’ or ‘Battle’ I just tried to explain to people why they felt the way they did, so that they had some peace and understanding, so that they could see the lie behind it all and realise it is harmless, how so much is self created and that there is no outside force doing this to you. I want people to let it go and get on with their life, as there really is no battle to be had here. It pains me to see people say ‘I have been battling my anxiety for 6 years now and I will continue to do so’ this is the exact reason they are stuck in the loop, because they are battling it, they are trying to control or eliminate it. They will wake, feel the same way, battle, go to bed and the whole process starts again the day after, hoping this is finally the day they figure it all out or find that instant cure and then it’s all behind them, I know, as that was me also. It also pains me to read on my blog when people say ‘Last week was bad, but yesterday was good, but today, not so good’ I feel like shouting ‘It does not matter, please don’t have a daily post mortem and track how you feel constantly, getting giddy when you feel good and down when you feel bad’. Again they are stuck, because they are constantly battling not to feel a certain way and the loop continues.
Again I was the same, I thought I should not feel this way and if I did, then I needed fixing. I was just going from one thing to another, therapist after therapist, book after book, all because in my mind I had to ‘Not’ to feel this way.
Whilst we are still war with ourselves, we will always stay in the loop.
So again feeling this way does not bring continued suffering, that comes from battle that goes on from not wanting to feel this way. That’s where all the worry comes from, the anxiety, the going over and over. The feelings themselves don’t bring all this on.
After 10 years of searching I never did find that miracle cure/book/therapist. What happened was that I still had these feelings, but my relationship with them changed, I stepped out of my own way and let my mind and body do the rest.
I hope that makes sense and helps in some way.