Before I start today’s post a lot of people have been emailing me asking why the app is no longer available. Well it is a fault on apples side and after numerous phone calls trying to sort it out they have promised to get it back up by next week.
O.K on to today’s post which is entitled;
‘The battle with myself is over’
A lot of anxiety sufferers are in a constant battle with themselves, I was on a daily basis also. This battle can take many forms.
It can be;
Trying to figure out why they feel a certain way.
Trying to come across as normal
Trying not to think about anxiety
Trying to hold on to who they are
Trying to feel a certain way
Trying not to feel a certain way
Trying to think a different way
Trying to be somewhere else
Trying to use mantras they have learnt to help ease how they feel
The list goes on, but there is one key word there and that is the word ‘Trying’. That word is what causes the battle, as they never accept their current state, it’s always about feeling different. This approach is not only physically exhausting, but it also exhausts the already tired mind. You can feel mentally drained, detached, not with it and this can then stop or hinder you engaging with the world around you, which gives you another thing to worry and obsess over. All this just keeps you stuck on the subject daily, until you feel you can think of nothing else.
I also went through these daily rituals, each day was another battle to get through the best I could, to try and figure it all out, maybe today everything would just slot into place, maybe today I would wake up and it would be all over. Then one day after tiring my mind and body out, it hit me that the only way to stop thinking and obsessing about it was to allow it. Not the half hearted attempts I had done before, but a full on allow.
Firstly I understood that allowing would not have me feeling great, forget that, that was the mistake I had made before, I had used allowing as a technique to feel better in the past without success. Also I wanted to move on from the subject, after years of thinking about it, then I realised my obsession with it would not go over night, I realised my attention would stay on me for a while, that was understandable and fine. Last, but not least, I had to let myself let go fully, this meant, to let my mind think whatever thoughts it wished, to let my feelings go haywire, no allow any feelings of detachment, no more thinking I can accept that, but not that, no more trying to hold on, no more trying to keep a grip on myself, I had to allow myself to fall in a hole, fall right into how I felt, to allow myself to feel as yuck as was needed, without going back to old habits of trying to fix or sort out. It was like riding a bike and taking the stabilisers off for the first time, I just had to do it. It was all the years of trying to control and fix, that had led me to this point, to realise that nothing worked and it was time now to just give in totally.
The statement that I wrote down at the time was ‘The fight to control my mind, my thoughts and my feelings is over’ and I meant it. I could no longer care if I felt good or bad, alert or distant, clear or foggy headed, anxious or not, a racing or still mind, nothing was off limits anymore. This was not an easy process initially as a lot of feelings surfaced stronger than ever, as they were now no longer suppressed or controlled and had the space and freedom for once to be felt and free up.
It’s the need to control, the instinct we are born with that kept me in the loop. It’s not always easy to stay calm and not get involved when your thoughts and feelings are seemingly going haywire, to not try and put the brakes on. But just remember these feelings are not you, they are just surface feelings, an off shoot of anxiety and are totally harmless, they can only hold the respect you give them. They actually want to be left alone so they can go ahead and heal, they don’t need your constant worry and intervention, your mind and body knows exactly what it is doing to heal, so leave it to do so. Just remember, the healing process is not always going to be comfortable, be OK with not feeling OK.
The best way to truly fix yourself is to stop trying to fix yourself.