Firstly I have not dropped off the face of the earth. I have been very busy with other things, including building the forum which is just about ready and I will launch it in a while. I am also trying to get a new site of the ground and build a couple of others, one for a family member and one for a friend. Well, things have calmed down a bit, so I will be around a little more than I have been and here is my latest post. I do try and think of something that will help with what people have been talking about on here and what they struggle with. So here is today’s title ‘Don’t fight to be right’
The title sums a lot of people up who suffer from anxiety, even people who don’t know they are doing it. The two things people do when symptoms increase or come out of nowhere is
1. They fight their symptoms, they may have a mental juggle and try to do something about how they feel, they begin a little internal battle to make themselves feel better.
2. They run away, this could be when they are in company, they may begin to babble on or lose eye contact and try and get away from the conversation. Or without company they may try and occupy themselves, sort of take a sideways glance to how they feel, they don’t stand their ground, they begin to run away from how they feel.
I used to wake up feeling awful, loads of symptoms and feel very lost and odd. Straight away I fought to be right. I went over things, tried to make things better. Said things like ‘I must relax’, ‘I must accept these feelings’, ‘I must go with it’. Now yes I should just accept it and Tarmo covered this earlier in the blog. If we go around making these statements all day then it becomes fighting again, I was saying these statements to create instant relief, it should be an attitude. Again I used to say these statements all day until I realised I was fighting again.
Here is what Tarmo said and my response to it in an earlier post.
When “trying to accept” becomes “accept”, even for a very short period, is when everything really starts to come together. It shouldn’t take any effort (because then it becomes trying) but it sure does take a lot of patience! Keep your heads up everyone, it’s all within reach!
Yes, Tarmo is right and this is something I am going to add in my book, if you spend all day trying to accept, you end up again trying to do something about it.
It should just be an attitude and trust me it does come in time. You don’t have to go around saying ‘I must accept this thing’. What you’re really doing, is looking for a phrase to bring relief.
OK, if that is confusing let me explain something. When you are at the point of either running away or trying to do something about the way you feel….This is a very crucial point, as this is the time that if you don’t try and do something about it or run away then it will pass right on through you, it always does, it will just pass of its own accord when there is nothing blocking its path. I found this out, the point when I was just about to go in to ‘trying to control it’ or run away from the feelings was critical.
Let me give you an example. I go back to when I had the battle when waking. One morning I felt odder and lost than ever, I had never felt symptoms so bad. This time I thought I am not going to fight, do what you want, I stood my ground and did not fight or question it, did not run away from it, it sort of washed over me and then within an hour or so I felt fine. The same night I went out with friends and later into the night ‘Wham’, I felt odd and awful again, I was again just about to go into the ritual of doing something about it, fight, question, and I thought no, ‘Whatever’ and just got on with what I was doing. Yes, I felt bad for a while, but it did pass and I was beginning to learn something here, this part when I felt at my worst was crucial, I needed to stand my ground and not run away from it or fight it. The next day I was at a bar in a pub when I saw someone I knew, the symptoms rose, I felt uncomfortable and this is the point where I always acted and tried to get away as quick as possible, I would always run away from how I felt. Well right at the crucial point, the height of my whole instincts telling me to flee, I didn’t, I thought ‘no more running away’. I felt uncomfortable, but the more I stood my ground, the better I felt and I got through the conversation and actually started to enjoy it. Can you see the crucial point I am talking about?
This is a post from someone who was doing really well recently and then fell back.
Ok all I’m really struggling at the moment. I really don’t know what happened. I’ve read Paul’s book and couldn’t believe how much sense it made. I kept the book close around in case I would need some help or guidance. I also visit this site to get help and support. This blog is great.
I started feeling a lot better and started having periods (maybe a few minutes and slowly I would fade back into the full dp state) where my dp faded and I almost 100%. It felt so great. I guess I started getting busy at work and stopped visiting the website and reading, I guess I thought I knew it all and my anxiety was fading away. But then all of a sudden I started feeling really bad and falling into bad habits. I felt good at work for a few days when I felt good and could talk and goof around with coworkers everything kind of opened up and I started to see the world again and felt like I could connect and have “more like me” comments. Now I’m scared to talk again because I don’t feel like me or I guess they don’t know how I am feeling is causing me to question everything I say. The panicky feelings are back and my heart just runs and I feel so confused on where I went wrong. I want to move forward, but I’m so confused. Also, does anyone constantly look back and analyze how they felt at this time last year or so on? I’m just so hard on myself in my mind and don’t know what to do.
What he has done is have plenty of good times and then as will happen, had a setback and has then started to fight to be right, he has questioned everything again. ‘Why was I better and now feel like this’ the crucial points where he felt bad, has had him fear everything again, fight, question, he has not been willing to pass through them again. When you have had a period of feeling good it is even harder, we question it, even more, we fight to be right even more, we become bewildered. We basically lose the tools that made us feel better in the first place. I keep repeating myself because I really want to get this through to people.
If you care how you feel at any given time then you will begin to fight and question it all over again.
IT IS NEVER ABOUT IF YOU FEEL BAD OR NOT, THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT, ITS ABOUT YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS IT’.
If you have faith and don’t fight or run away it will pass, trust me it will. You will have bad days and times again, just again trust that it will pass, don’t fall into the trap of fighting or running away from how you feel.
All I did and what I others need to do is break the chain of anxiety. Feel awful, fight and question, feel good and get on with their day, feel bad, fight or run away again….etc..etc..It’s like acting in a movie, it will get you so far, but you will not break the chain. I had to go through many periods of feeling bad before things became easier. But each time gave me more confidence and it began to be automatic, it was my new habit, I did not have to walk around telling myself to do this or that, it just became natural not to fight or question, especially at the crucial points when I felt at my worst. I had now built up the trust that it would always pass and that it was FINE to feel odd or lost, it did not matter, yes it was not nice, but it always passed and I needed to keep going through these times to reach my goals. When we try to constantly do something about how we feel or question it all, we are trying to do something about something that is totally normal in the circumstances, this is what I figured. I have anxiety, I have been through so much, I should feel odd at times, anxious, a little lost, why I am I constantly trying to fight this? Let it be and trust in my own bodies healing system to bring me through.
Hope that helps people in some way.