I thought this statement was a good idea for a post as I went through the same thing, but I was able to overcome this problem and see the mistakes I was making.

Firstly the place you feel awful could be anywhere, say the supermarket, a social event, the pub. The problem some people have is they think if they go there then they should get used to it and get better. Well this is true, but you have to do it in the right way. When we are anxious about a particular place it is like we go into radar mode and our body is looking for danger, scanning here and there, it is only looking out for you thinking it is helping and does this because of what it has been told in the past. When it is sent the right messages then the radar will switch itself off.

Firstly you have to understand that due to past experiences and memory you will most likely feel bad. If you go into hoping you will feel great then you are setting yourself up for dissapointment, not only that but you will be there cursing yourself and questioning things all over again. Go into anything or any place with no expectations to how things should go. I used to almost pray that things went well and and soon as they did not my shoulders would slump and I would say ‘See I was right, I feel awful, what is the point’.

Below are some other mistakes people may make

They still fear how they feel and believe things will go wrong and are on red alert, not allowing the feelings, but putting up with them through gritted teeth. All you are doing here is adding fear to fear, you are adding anxiety on to anxiety as you are sat there anxious about how you are feeling. If you are all tense and anxious about how you feel then you are going to feel tense and anxious. Learn to just roll with the punches and in time your more relaxed state of mind will lessen the way you feel. Calmer mind, calmer body.

A common mistake is they are there, but they are making a febble effort to be there. Say this is a social gathering, then they may spend the night hiding in the corner, just wanting not to be noticed or spending the whole evening wanting to go home. So although they have gone, they have spent the whole night wanting to go home. This is not going towards a situation, this is pulling away, trying to just get it over with. If they went to a social gathering and made themselves a little more available for conversations, went to the bar and mixed a little more than usual, even whilst feeling pretty poor, then they will see a little progress and in time will feel more confident to push themselves further. Your mind and body will start to get used to mixing and socialising if you actually do it, not if you hide away in the corner. Yes it is tough at times, but this is what moves you forward, coming out of your comfort zone and safety behaviours. Many times in my recovery I would notice myself just about to pull away and then I would think ‘I’m doing it again’ and move toward what I was pulling away from, this was how I started to make a lot of progress. Learn to go against your instincts. This of course maybe something outside of a social gathering, it maybe a supermarket and they go each week, but still find it hard. Again are they going and from minute one wanting to go home? Rushing around, hoping the tills are empty! If so then you are saying to your body, come on quick we have to get out of here, so of course the next time it is going to view it in the same way and think of it as danger, so yes they are going, but not in the right way. Again you must experience it and just roll with what comes, this is the only way to learn there is no danger and to send that message to your sub concious. Going towards a place whilst pulling away will have you finding it difficult each time you approach that place, learn to fully go toward without pulling away.

Another mistake is monitoring. Many people will go out and monitor how they feel. They may spend there time ‘Seeing how they are doing’ , wondering if anyone can notice their strangeness or checking in to see ‘How they feel’. Wherever place or situation you struggle with then resist the need to monitor, just indulge yourself in what your doing, forget how you are feeling, it cannot harm you and is not important, give your mind and body a free reign to do where it wants. Just say ‘You do your thing and ill do mine, I can’t be bothered with you today’.

Another mistake people make is ‘The post mortem’. They go somewhere and then come home and go over how it went, how they felt, how someone reacted and how they can make it go better next time. I used to do this also and it is a complete waste of time and has you feeling worse. Remember it goes how it goes, so there is no need for a post mortem, that will just tie you in knots and have you feeling worse. Imagine if you said to someone that did not suffer ‘Tonight I want you to notice how you are feeling all night, I want you to see how every conversation is going, how people are reacting to you and then go home and go over it all’ They would say ‘No chance why would I want to do that and totally ruin my experience, I just want a good night and when I get home I just want to go to sleep’. Looking from an outsiders view it is a total waste of time and mental energy and ruins the experience. I used to be the master at the post mortem until I just accepted that things will go how they go. This helped me a lot as I did not anticipate things before I went in the future. If you had bad memories of past experiences through going over and over it, then the next time you go you are already anticipating feeling a certain way or looking out for it.

Last and not least it is about totally understanding that anxiety cannot harm you in anyway shape or form. You can go anywhere with it, do anything. Anxiety never stops you doing anything, that is always your choice. Action breeds confidence, nothing is gained by sitting at home waiting for the day things are magically better. Your attitude to how you feel is massive and it does take a lot of courage at times, but we all have it in us to live the life we want. I used to take how I felt with me and not let it stop me living my life, I was fed up of sitting there feeling sorry for myself. There is a world of difference going somewhere with a ‘I am going, if feel bad then so be it, in time it will get easier’ than say ‘I really don’t want to go, what’s the point, I will feel awful anyway’. It’s all about attitude.

To finish I have started a new facebook page for the site which is getting quite active and you can follow it here, any follows or likes would be appreciated http://www.facebook.com/anxietynomoreuk

Paul

For more information about my book ‘At last a life’ visit www.anxietynomore.co.uk/the_book.html

New Anxietynomore App

http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/anxietynomoreapp.html

For more help with anxiety visit www.anxietynomore.co.uk

Follow me on Twitter

Well this will be the last post before Christmas, so a happy Christmas to everyone. It is not my favourite time of the year and I am glad when it’s all over, but I will try and put my bah humbug to one side and enjoy the good parts of it

Today’s post is about Social Anxiety, again the post may help some and not others, but I try to add a full range of topics so as to hopefully help as many people as possible.

Social anxiety can take many forms and many people may not even know they suffer from it. I was one of those people that even when most of my anxiety had gone I would feel strange and odd in front of people and avoid any eye contact. I would also get what I call brain freeze where I would just go blank and clam up, not knowing what to say and then feeling really embarrassed and stupid.

It helped when I learnt this brain freeze was just a stress reaction and not something where I was wired up wrong and that I would always be this way. Initially I truly thought I had no control over how I felt in front of people and would just try and get through it, hoping I did not make a total fool of myself or in most cases avoid any social interaction at all. As usual I was never happy with this and refused to just accept that this was me forever. I then went on a journey of discovery about every aspect of social anxiety and realised it was me that was doing this to myself and the main culprits were avoidance or if in conversation, trying to rush and act my way through it, whilst hoping people would not see through me.

I would also do the usual subtle avoidance tricks like looking at my phone to avoid chatting, sitting in the background hoping no one would notice me, staying silent and adding nothing to a conversation, crossing the road if I saw someone I knew. Does that sound like I was adding to my social anxiety? Of course I was, I was reinforcing that people and conversations were the enemy and must be avoided at all costs. Of course I was responsible for the way I felt and the lack of moving forward!

At this point through what I had learnt, I decided to reverse the bad habits I had developed and there really is not enough space here to write everything that I did learn, but here are the key points.

Firstly a lot of my Social Anxiety came through the fact that I thought people would see through me and the ‘anxiety’ game would be up, add that to the fact that I felt like I was always being judged. I always felt I had to keep things buried, smile in the right places, act my way through, that no one must know my secret and that I must come across as normal! Trying to do this makes you feel like two people, one trying to have a conversation and the other trying to hide how you feel. So this was the first thing to change. I had to understand that people were not judging me and even if they were and my voice wobbled and I said something silly then so be it. The key point here also was in the past when things went bad I would see it as a failure and build up my avoidance, now when I stayed and chatted, even if inside I felt awful, I would see it as a victory, something to be proud of, proud that for once that I did not run away. I understood that this was a long term thing and conversations would still be tough for a while, but in time they would get easier, it was the long term plan that was important, not the short term. In the past I demanded way too much and wanted to get it right first time and if not then I was sure I had made a big fool of myself and mentally punish myself and avoid even more the next time.

The second thing I did and this was a tough one, was to truly no longer care what people thought. This was hard at first as we do care what people think and saying it without meaning it can feel like a false signal. So yes we all care, but is it really that important? Always caring what people think has a big effect on your personality, in fact it crushes it, as your always trying to come across the way you think you should and not as you, this in itself erodes your confidence. Also many people who care always play it safe, like they daren’t show the real them in case people won’t like them, better to agree with others or say nothing, they also tend not to have an opinion on anything and it’s all to do with wanting others to like them. Well I like people with an opinion, a view, it makes them what they are. So this was another step for me, no more agreeing if I did not mean it, no more hiding in the background with nothing to say and if I had an opinion I would share it. I would fully be me from now on. Again this was not an instant ‘I feel confident’ trick and it took time, but being me had me feeling far more real, it really built my confidence back up.

The other thing I did was to stop all avoidance behaviours, if I saw someone I knew I would not cross the road, if I was asked out socially I would not make excuses not to go. Again this was tough at times and went against everything I had taught myself, but bad habits got me into this hole and good habits would get me out of it. But I had a new approach and that was ‘Instead of worrying about situations, I just took them as they came’. Without the big build up before the event, just taking it as it came made things go far better, many times I thought, ‘Wow how easy was that’. Again if it did not go great then that was fine also, I did it and that was the main thing.

Lastly a big part of social anxiety is confidence, a confidence in yourself. To boost my self-esteem I decided to get myself fit and lose weight. Changing your life for the better can really make you feel good about yourself and that only adds to your confidence. I felt great by getting fit, mentally and physically and was very proud of my achievements and this led to me feeling far more confident and confidence really does help you when mixing with others. My anxiety levels dropped a hell of a lot also and I felt far more clarity mentally and this in itself made conversations far easier.

With my new look and confidence I then decided to do something I would not have dreamed about a few months before and joined a running club.  Meeting and talking to loads of strangers whilst doing something positive took me right to where I wanted to be. I no longer go to the running club, but a few of us still meet up a couple of times a year.

To finish I would like to say that whilst we think everyone notices how we are feeling, that people are judging us, they really are not. They are too busy with their own lives and problems to care about us. Also a small stutter or odd conversation will not have others judging you, they would hardly notice and so what if they do, it’s hardly a crime and will be all worth it when you reach where you want to be.

The 2 things that are the main causes of Social anxiety are;

Caring what people think and worrying how things will go

So no more excuses, no more hiding away or playing it safe, no more worrying how things may go or what people think, just begin to put yourself out there and feel a new you emerge. I was rewarded for all my hard work, for all those times I put myself out there when my instinct was to avoid or make a quick exit. For making the effort to get fit and build my confidence back up, to begin to mix with people once again.

I hope the above helps

Paul

For more information about my book ‘At last a life’ visit www.anxietynomore.co.uk/the_book.html

New Anxietynomore App

http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/anxietynomoreapp.html

For more help with anxiety visit www.anxietynomore.co.uk

Follow me on Twitter

Well the last post was a while ago so I thought I was due to say a few words.

I also have a few bits and bobs to cover before we go on to today’s post. The first being that the anxietynomore app is now available as an option on the Android as well as the iPhone. As usual I don’t push things on anyone, but it is there if anyone wishes to buy it and a few people did ask me to let them know when it was available. As it is new if anyone has any problems then just let me know.

The other thing is Doreen who posts here will now help moderate the blog. This will help keep it spam free and make sure it runs as it always has and stays a friendly and helpful resource. I do need help as every year things take off more and more. In the last year alone the book was made available on Amazon and in many high street online and offline stores and is mainly sold outside of the site these days. The book also went onto the kindle and is hopefully due on Amazon.com very soon, making it easier for people in the U.S to purchase it. The app was also created in different versions and has been very well received. The trouble with all this is it takes a lot of time up and I am forever on with a project and I will be the first to say certain things have suffered as a result as it takes time away from other things. Things are calming down a bit now and I promise to be around here a bit more to contribute, the blog and site is where it all started and it means as much to me now as it did when I first set it up.

Anyway on to today’s post:

Many people ask me what they should do to eliminate their anxiety or how do I get rid of this particular symptom? I was one of those people who went over and over things, trying to find a solution to the way I felt, constantly trying to stop myself feeling this way. Well that was my mistake, I was ‘Trying not to feel a certain way’. One thing that I learnt very quickly is that “Trying to rid ourselves of anxiety only increases it”. Yet this is what most people attempt to do and just end up more entrenched in the habit. I say the opposite and tell people to feel it, to go towards it, do nothing to try to get rid of it. People develop safety behaviours and avoidance techniques that can severely restrict their lives because they don’t want to feel it. How can this be the way forward? The truth is that it is not, I only turned my life around when I finally accepted that I had anxiety and it was not going to go over night, I shook it by the hand and said “If you are going to be around for a while then we may as well get along”.

To recover from anxiety we have to be willing to feel it and that’s means taking it with us wherever we go. Yes for a while we will still feel anxious, we may still feel detached or have anxious thoughts hanging around, that’s fine and only to be expected. We also have to be willing to feel it for a while, not a day or a week, but as long as it takes. I have people email me and say some lovely things about the book after reading it, but I had one a few weeks ago saying ” Paul I have just finished your book, but I am not cured”. I am struggling to understand which book she read as it says nothing about getting to the end and a magic wand comes down and cures you. This is the sort of person that will be off next week to try another miracle cure hoping that it will instantly go away, she has no intention of feeling anxiety for a minute longer.

The more desperate you look for recovery, the further away it can seem as you are putting so much pressure on yourself to feel better and making it your whole life. Why not just step back and do nothing, whilst getting on with your life as you normally would, this will do you far more good long term. I am not trying to make it sound easy, it is not at times and I used to want to hide away at home and shut out the world, but I refused to as I wanted to be part of that world again. Just so there is no confusion, when I talk about doing nothing, I mean no longer trying to fix or figure it all out, not doing nothing by sitting at home looking at the ceiling. Go out and live your life, uncomfortable or not, take all your insecurities with you and feel it all at will. You don’t have to wait until anxiety leaves you to have a life, you can have one now. If you want to be part of the outside world again then go and join it, don’t let how you feel stop you.

The constant stress and battle to feel better is what kept me in the cycle, it consumed me and my day. So just try not to become one of those people. I know we feel like we must keep on top of things, to get the better of this thing, but it has the opposite effect. One of calmest and most together people on the planet are Buddist monks and their whole belief is to just be, to not over think or worry about things. Since my own recovery I have a new outlook on life and don’t worry about trival things or things I can’t control. I am also a far more forgiving and laid back person and it is what I learnt through my own recovery.

To finish I will never forget a story I read where 3 men were burgling a store in the middle of the night and were caught and arrested. They interviewed one and he said that when he heard the sirens he was full of fear and dread, then when the police were outside shining lights in that his fear increased and they tried to hide. But he said once they had them surrounded and made it clear that they knew they were in there, then they all lit a cigarette up and felt a sense of calm. It was like ‘O.K the game is up, come and do what you have to do’. I felt that story reflected me and my anxiety, I feared the feelings for years and tried to keep them out, once I gave in and allowed myself to feel this way then there was a sense of relief and I felt calmer.

To finish today’s post  I am also going to add a list of tweets I recently put up on my twitter account to encourage people, I hope they help in some way.

Anxiety is like quicksand, the harder we struggle to escape, the deeper we sink.

A tired and overworked mind tries to drag you into worrying about anything and everything, just resist the need to get involved.

If anxiety tried to stop me doing something, I would do it even more to show it who was in charge.

Stress on a healthy body registers a small reaction and is dealt with as a problem to solve; stress on an anxious body gives an exaggerated reaction and makes things seem far worse than they really are. The problem is the same; it is the reaction that is different.

Avoidance is something you create; don’t blame it on your anxiety

Don’t keep endlessly looking for a cure to your anxiety, create one by no longer letting it rule what you do and don’t do.

Making the decision to allow anxiety into your day releases so much pressure, stress and worry and gives your mind and body the space to recover.

I created a lot of my own problems through avoidance, I uncreated them through non avoidance, it gave me my life back.

How you feel today has no bearing on how you will feel in the future, things do change.

Don’t get lost in a world of self-criticism, wishing you felt differently, the first step to recovery is accepting how you feel for now.

To overcome anxiety we have to be willing to feel it.

Fears are never as bad as we think when faced, their growl often turns into a whimper, it’s our imagination that makes us think differently.

People who suffer with anxiety tend to avoid feelings and then blame it on the place or situation, suggesting it’s that which causes anxiety. Lose your fear of the feeling and then every place and situation is the same.

Thanks Paul

For more information about my book ‘At last a life’ visit www.anxietynomore.co.uk/the_book.html

New Anxietynomore App

http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/anxietynomoreapp.html

For more help with anxiety visit www.anxietynomore.co.uk

Follow me on Twitter

I have always believed anxiety is made far over complicated to recover from by some. A good understanding and the right attitude did it for me. Understanding what was happening when I felt anxious and why I did, did far more for me than any other so called help that was thrown at me in the early days. Once I understood far more, then I worried far less and stopped going over and over things whilst trying to continuously fix it. This obviously helped as with less worry came less anxiety, the less I went over and over things, then the more open and flexible my mind was. Having the right attitude helped in no longer let anxiety rule what I did and did not do. At first I hated the way I felt, I would tense against it daily, try and push it away, get really angry about it, avoid everywhere and everything that made me feel this way, no wonder I got worse and my life got narrower.

I now understood it was not just going to disappear and I just learnt to just live with it, take it with me. Did I like it? No, but it did not hinder me as much and I wasted far less of my day on it. At one time it was all I thought about, the subject was me 24/7. My whole life revolved around getting better, then I realised I had to stop trying as this was the very thing that was hindering me. So I made friends with it, took it with me and stopped treating it like the enemy. If I felt odd and anxious, then so be it, I was tired of trying not to feel this way. Yes it took time to build up the perfect attitude and I would sometimes have a good cry or feel sorry for myself on a bad day, but the next day I was back out and not letting it dominate my life like it had.

Every habit can be changed as long as we understand that it wont happen overnight.

There is one question that I asked myself whilst suffering and when answering I wrote down a list of things that had become a learnt behaviour. I can’t say this was the exact list below, but it would have been something like it and I am sure some others can identify with it. The reason for the list was that I wanted to identify what learnt behaviours I had developed and try and reverse them.

So the question to anyone is;

What do I do differently now, to what I did before I suffered ?

My list would have been something like the below;

I went over that conversation I had with my friend and wondered if I upset her?

This is an easy one for anxiety to grab hold of as we feel far more sensitive than we normally would do and may look into things far too much. I remember this one as I was very sensitive. People had to act the way I thought they should or I would think I had done something wrong or they did not like me. I identified that I would not have done this before I suffered, so the anxiety was to blame and that in future I could think this way, but I would just let it go and know I was being silly or over sensitive. I would no longer see it as the truth.

Did that workmate notice my anxiety? I tried so hard to cover it up.

Well I would never stand there in the past trying to cover things up as there was nothing to cover up. I started to ask others who knew I suffered if they noticed how I felt and they said no, sometimes you may talk a little faster, but no we don’t notice. This meant a lot to me as you tend to think everyone notices how you are feeling but are just keeping it from you. So I then stopped trying to cover up how I felt, if I stumbled on a few words or rambled a bit then that was fine. I knew from experience trying to cover up anxiety had the opposite effect, as you were then anxious about people seeing you anxious, which put far more pressure on you to come across as O.K.

I worried about going to that social function next week

Well again I would not be worrying about going to a social event pre anxiety, I would be looking forward to it. I then realised I was not scared of the event itself, I was worried about being anxious and how I came across. There is no instant switch to stop you getting anxious over a social event, but it taught me that I had to just take things as they came and that feeling anxious was not then end of the world and the more I felt it, then the less I would feel it. I had to get used to it and put myself out there and then I would train my sub conscious to realise there was nothing to get anxious about. So basically I went to social events and took them as they came, not worrying if I felt anxious or not. Most times I would feel some anxiety, but it was never as bad as I thought it would be and usually by the end of the night I was chatting freely and as expected in time it just got easier.

I kept checking in to see how I felt, having internal conversations to try and make sense of it all

Again this is something the regular person on the street does not do, even if they had broken there finger they would not check in every few minutes to see how it felt. They would just understand the pain will go in time and there is nothing they can do about it. When I learnt that I could not switch anxiety off, it was a relief. I no longer had to search in my mind for that instant cure and I could just move on with my day and think about other things.

I got home and put off things that needed doing, I just didn’t feel like it

Anxiety can make us feel mentally and physically tired, as our body is working faster than normal and stress hormones do affect our muscles and make them feel heavy. Add that to an over active mind and we can feel tired and weary for no reason. The best thing I did was to do the jobs that needed doing and get out in the fresh air. Lounging around feeling sorry for myself made me feel even more exhausted.

Today I avoided anything that may make me anxious and built my day around it

Again this is something I did that I would not have done in the past. I realised that anxiety was beginning to control what I did and did not do and I wanted to take charge again. So I no longer avoided feeling this way, no more living a life full of safety behaviours. Anxiety could not harm me, it was only adrenalin on an overworked nervous system that created was was just an unpleasant feeling. I am not saying I woke one day and did everything. I just learnt to see the signs of avoidence, where I would be just about to make excuses not to go somewhere and then just get my coat on and do it. The well known saying ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’ was never far from my thoughts.

I went over and over things trying to find a way out a way to make this horrible thing go away

Before anxiety came along my thoughts would be about the weekends plans, the new top I had seen, my friends and family and certainly not about the way I felt. When we become so engulfed in ourselves and how we are feeling then we become very internal and have little time or space in our mind for anything or anybody else. The subject becomes us and the more we think about it, the more distant and detached we feel, so we may then think even more about our situation. This was certainly me and it was a vicious cycle. I was convinced if I kept thinking of a way out, then eventually I would hit on the answer and I would be free. All I achieved was to become like a walking shell that had no interest in the outside world. I just thought about me and found it hard to break free. It was like I was behind a pane of glass and the world was on the other side and I was not part of it. This I would say was the lowest point of my anxiety. But once identified I understood why I felt this way and then began to worry less and less about the state I was in. I then had to learn to live and work with this distant/detached feeling and not be so impressed by it. And in time the less I thought and worried about myself, the more engaged I felt with the world around me again. You don’t have to suffer with anxiety to get to this state. Have you ever seen that lost and glazed look on someone who has lost a loved one? You may ask them something and it barely registered. Again this is because they are thinking so deeply about what they have lost, they let nothing else in and they become distant to their surroundings. In time the grief eases and they become part of the world again. This is exactly what I had to do.

I met a friend in the street and just rambled on trying to get away as quickly as possible

Another classic thing that I did, I again identified that I did not do this in the past and that the best way to overcome it was to stay in the conversation and no longer run at the first sign of adrenalin. This really was what it was, I had taught my body to see danger in someone approaching and it set off the fight or flight, run or stay. As usual I did not want to feel anxious so I went for run. I again realised there was no danger talking to a friend in the street, I was just running away from making a fool of myself. So the next time the blast of adrenalin came, I just stayed and although it did not go particularly well,  I knew I would look far less strange staying than I would do running off each time and more than that I knew the long term rewards would be worth it. And in time I taught my body there was no danger in that friend in the street, the blast of adrenalin weakened in time as I had chatted many times now and had got used to it. It is like a bungee jumper who feels far more adrenalin the first time he jumps that the 20th time. His body has got used to it and in time produces less adrenalin.

We don’t always identify these learnt behaviours whilst we are doing them, as we tend to just do what we think is best at the time. It is only when we step back and observe how we are acting or write down the things we do now that we did not do before, that we can become aware of them. We all know our own bad habits and what we can do to improve them. Don’t just follow the same down trodden path, the short term, but safe way, the path that has no victory’s and little, if any progress. Try and identify what you now do differently and see if like the above you can change the habit or learn a new attitude.

I hope the above helps

Paul

Paul

For more information about my book ‘At last a life’ visit www.anxietynomore.co.uk/the_book.html

New Anxietynomore App

http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/anxietynomoreapp.html

For more help with anxiety visit www.anxietynomore.co.uk

Follow me on Twitter

Well this will be my last post for a while as I am going on a 12 week retreat around Devon and Cornwall on Sunday. To be honest I did a mini one years ago and found it an excellent way to detox the mind. I just found being away from all the memories and stresses that seem to keep my anxiety ticking over a real help. It was like dumping everything in a bin and leaving it all behind. Speaking of this it leads me on to this weeks post.

I do use twitter and although it is a personal account I do add statements that I think will help people and last weeks got a massive response with people retweeting it and adding it as their favourite, the tweet was;

‘The worst part of my anxiety was trying to cover it all up and pretend to the world that I was fine, I learnt to stop caring what people thought”

I was also recently talking to a friend who suffered badly with depression and he said the same. The pressure to try and hold it all together, smile in the right places, plan things to get through a situation, analysing it after, thinking where it went wrong, trying harder next time to make it go perfect, thinking and planning inside with internal dialouge whilst in a situation. The list was pretty endless for me and was the sole reason I developed social anxiety. I was so used to having an awful time in people’s company and hating acting my way through that I started to avoid social occasions or people. If I was walking through town and saw someone I knew then I would think ‘Oh please don’t come over’ and if they did it was all about getting away, rambling at 10 miles an hour (must not let them notice). In doing this I had started to tell my sub concious that people and social things were to be avoided and it just carried out this order and saw them as something to avoid and get nervous about.

Well I spotted this cycle and realised I needed to stop it and that came through no longer making an issue out of going places or meeting people. It meant just putting myself out there and not caring how it went, if I still felt nervy and tounge tied then so be it. What was the alternative, to just keep on avoiding and making things worse? Again this was not easy, but as soon as someone asked me to go somewhere or do something, then I just did it and took all my insecurites and nerves with me. And I found without all the pre planning before hand, without the ‘watching myself’ and trying to act my way through it that things were better, still not great, but better and more importantly I was telling my sub concious that things were ok, we are not running away or avoiding people today. My life now was about opening doors and not closing them, I was fed up with closing them and if opening them brought some discomfort (which it probably would), then so be it, it was the long term I was looking at, not the usual short term ‘Safety behaviour’ the quick comfort blanket that brought so many long term failures.

A lot of people see anxiety as something that ‘we just have’ and that we just have to wait until it goes away . But a lot of it is self created through the habits we create. Every habit can be reversed and a lot of that starts with us and the way we approach things. I was stuck in bad habits for years and learnt to reverse them. I did not just wait long enough for anxiety to leave me and one day got lucky. It was a change in attitude and approach that brought me my rewards, a surrender to everything that was going on, no longer letting it control what I did and did not do, where I went. I did not become brave overnight, I just took small steps that turned into huge strides. Going back to the social anxiety, I was the same person with the same anxiety levels, yet one day I was making excuses not to go out, the next I was sick of my life and decided to now go and come what may. I was avoiding the feelings, not the people or the place, that is key to anyone who suffers with anxiety, you are always avoiding the feelings yet blame the people or the places suggesting it’s them that create it, so you avoid these people or places.

I will leave that for today as a lady from this blog passed me on a poem that I said I would place on the blog in my next post. It is about her recovery with anxiety and is really well written. To finish from me, I will keep people up to date on twitter about my trip and will have people to look after and moderate this place when I am gone and will also try and post when I can. I am also meeting someone from this blog on my travels so looking forward to that also.

Anyway here is the poem and remember stay positive and keep opening them doors

From my bed where I lay

Thinking life was over

From the thoughts that came my way

Believing life was over

What demon had taken me

From a girl who loved life

To this empty shell

A scared, broken, mother and wife

Lying in silence

Watching and waiting

For the voices I thought

Would start in my head

Listening and waiting

Driving myself crazy

Oh God, no this is it

What is my mind creating?

I am now dead, I was inside

Nothing was real

Nothing felt mine

Numb without tears

Lifeless and fears

No love to give..

STOP this ringing in my ears

So fast came strange feelings

Terrifying panic

Is the sky falling down

This really is manic

Don’t want to be alone

I want to be alone

I’m feeling so so tragic

What must I do

What must I make happen

Searching for answers

So I can map them

Reasons for me

To know why I’m feeling

As weird as can be

This can’t just happen?

A racing mind, full

Of what ifs and maybes

This is too much

I must surely be crazy

My head is so full

So heavy and thick

My stomach, it churns cartwheels

I feel so so sick

Truth told, there really

Are no answers

You are here now

You have to be with your monsters

You have to go through

You will find your way

The best way out is through

At the end of the day

I thought I was crazy

Going mad, felt so unreal

These feelings I’ve met with

I can reveal

Will trick you and turn you

Til you think life has gone

But I want you to know that you can move on

Time

Little by little

Day by day

To bring you through

Do it anyway

That dreaded task

You just cannot do

Leads to another

Through and through

You just cannot do

So on, brave heart

A little at a time

And you will see that

You really can shine

It will take time

Step by step

Hour by hour

You will see yourself begin to flower

To face your fears

To go it alone

To see yourself through

Into the great unknown

That slight turn of thinking

No matter how small

Will lead you to greatness

No time left to mourn

To take that first step

For what you must do

Is believe in yourself

You really will come through

Your head hurts like hell

It’s swimming and giddy

Your eyes are all blury

Shocks through your body

No one will know

It is what you’re going through

They’re not to know

No one will know

Unless they too, have been through

A day, you feel fine

Oh great this has gone

To be awoken next morn

To find, back its come

A good day turns to two

And then to a few

And bang here it comes

hits you out of the blue

Never lost heart

This is what must happen

To find inner peace, to grow and to strengthen

We’ll learn from these times

Hey, I felt so good then

So I know that I will

Find peace, happiness again

So your will grows stronger

A little day by day

You keep moving forward

It has to be this way

For now at least

Feelings come and go

They won’t last forever

I want you to know

Those days will serve me

I’ll never forget

How bad things were

But you know, I’ll never regret

What happened to me

What’s happening to you

May feel like it just came out of the blue

But when you recover, you truly will see

What lead you to this great anxiety

You’ll know and you’ll see

Believe me

Now on with my life

I am now going forward

But how grateful am I

That I had fallen

I truly believe, sometimes we have to break

So we can fix ourselves up

with knowledge, understanding – How Brave!

So if you’re feeling right now

How I did back then

I give you my heart

And again and again

Will say to you onward

To take the first step

Nothing will harm you, there’ll be no regret

You will be so glad that you kept

Trying and trying

And one of these days

Your heart will start flying

You will say to yourself

I’m glad I never gave in

I did what I feared

Again and again

So on, brave light

And be on your way

To do what you must

Day by day

The glimmer of hope

You see shining anew

You know you can do this

From one who came through X

Paul

New Anxietynomore App

http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/anxietynomoreapp.html

For more information about my book ‘At last a life’ visit www.anxietynomore.co.uk/the_book.html

For more help with anxiety visit www.anxietynomore.co.uk

Follow me on Twitter

I should though be around on the blog more as things have calmed a little and it starts with todays post.

A mind that never seems to switch off

I know a lot struggle with an over active mind and wonder how to calm it. Again there is no quick fix, but I will pass on what really helped me. I like others struggled with an over active mind that did not seem to switch off, it really was the last thing to settle. When we are anxious then our body works over time and the reason we may sweat or feel restless and unable to sit still, with this comes an over active mind that seems to start on one subject then jump to another with little rhyme or reason.

Firstly I realised that a calm mind led to a calm body and the mistake I was making was to try and figure my way back to a calm mind, to try and unravel what I was doing wrong, what I needed to do etc. I was sure there was a secret out there that just needed discovering. It was then that I realised that I did not need to figure my way back to a calm mind, I just had to stop going over my past experiences and stop peering into my future experiences.

People may have different experiences but the root to cure is the same, I will give you my own example which stemmed really from a fear of losing the people around me that were close to me;

My main problem was that I would keep jumping back to something that happened last week and how I felt, this would mainly be negative thinking like ‘That night out with friends last Tuesday did not go well at all, next week I will try harder to fit in and come across as normal’. So then I would be looking into this coming Tuesday and building up to what to do to make sure it went better this week, so as to make sure I did not ramble through and come across as odd, what I had to do was do this or that and I would then go with a bunch of mental instructions and the night would again be a disaster as I would not be joining in, I would be mentally trying to fix myself and remind myself what to do. Then home again and looking back to how bad it went and feel sorry for myself and fill myself with self pity, waking the next day trying to find more answers.

This is what I mean by looking back, I would constantly go over how things went and what I could of done better, then I would be looking into the future and plan certain things to make sure they went ok. All this mental planning was constant and it could be a simple trip out with friends or going round to a family gathering, I was obsessed how I as coming across and how things were going, then filling myself with negative thoughts about how bad my life was and how it was not fair that others could enjoy themselves and not me, more thoughts on how to fix it, my mind just never switched off.

How I over came this was to say to myself that this was the last time I went over something that had happened and the last time I planned for something that was up and coming and more than that I would not entertain another negative thought. I had to change this pattern as it just was not working.

Through habit my mind would sometimes drift back to something that happened last week or try and plan for the future, but I would say ‘No I don’t do that anymore’ or a negtive thought would come up about my situation and I would say ‘No I don’t do negative anymore, anxiety has taken enough of my life, it is not having anymore’. I would then wake up with a smile on my face and just face the day whatever may come, no planning, no safety behaviours, no negative thinking about my situation, no going over something that someone did or said or how a situation went. I am not saying from that day on everything was brilliant, it was not, but it was far, far better.

This new approach was a major breakthrough for me and I felt far more mentally free and even though at the time I was not a big believer in how close your thoughts were to how you feel, without all the negative bombardment of my situation I felt so much better. I can’t express how much not going down the road of self pity and negative thinking about how you feel is so important.

Other things I did

I always tried to stay positive and just when anxiety was just about to control what I did or did not do I would say ‘You have had enough of my life you are not having anymore’.

I also got into meditation a little, maybe just 3 times a week for half an hour. I would just get out of the bath when most relaxed, lie on the bed and just put on a C.D or headphones and drift in and out with the soothing music and would feel so refreshed afterwards, I still do it to this day.

I made sure I got out in the fresh air and went walking, running, cycling, again a healthy body leads to a healthy mind. I also cut my drinking down and felt so much better for this. I still went out as much as before, but instead of getting drunk I would just stick to 4 pints.

Again it is not an over night thing but the above really helped me on my way to who I am now.

I would also love people to watch a film that had a big effect on me after my recovery and just shows the importance of a calm mind. The link is here and it is over a few episodes and around 3 hours long altogether, but do try and watch it, it is very inspiring and a real eye opener.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_zDtdYu3mA

Paul

New Anxietynomore App

http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/anxietynomoreapp.html

For more information about my book ‘At last a life’ visit www.anxietynomore.co.uk/the_book.html

For more help with anxiety visit www.anxietynomore.co.uk

Follow me on Twitter

Me and a developer who actually comes to this blog for help, have spent the last 5 months creating an app for the Iphone and the reason I have hardly been around recently, it was such hard work and took up so much of my time.

Many people used to email me and ask why I did not have one and how useful it would be. So no trumpets or sales pitch as people know I don’t push anything on anyone, if people want it then I am just making them aware of it’s presence.

We did though both spend a lot of time and money trying to create something with loads of features and new information whilst trying to make it as cheap as possible to people. The price is £9.99 and is available from the istore or a by searching on your phone in the app store under anxietynomore.

It has the full book on there, a section with new information, direct links to this blog, site and my twitter account and a full audio and video section.

If anyone decides they would like it then I hope it helps them, for more information on it visit the page below and do check the video out at the bottom.

http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/anxietynomoreapp.html

Please feel free to continue posting on the previous post for help and support. I will leave this up a week and then post a new one next Tuesday.

Thanks Paul

As stated I have been very busy with another project , it is now just about completed and I will reveal all that in my next post. But it has been the reason I have hardly been around, it took a lot longer than I expected and a lot more work. I am also looking for more success stories for this project. I tend to get emails or posts of thanks on here when people recover, but rarely a more detailed story of their recovery. If you wish to forward any on to me then just email me your story and I will tell you exactly hat it is for before publishing it.

I am going to put up 8 posts this year and I have a clear view of each one. 2012 is the year I hope to really get certain things across and this comes through what people post on here and continually struggle with.

Right on to today’s post which is called 2 roads and the choices we can make

When we suffer from anxiety we can hit a fork in the road and make 2 choices, one sign points us to a safe, but lonely road, a road that leads nowhere, the other points to a road that is full of life and choices, the road looks more daunting, but leads to a fulfulling place.

I once saw a documentary on a soldier who lost both legs in Afghanistan and when he came back to England his mother said he gave up on life, he just stayed locked in his room, locked in his own head and became very depressed with plenty of ‘Why me’? He had decided to give in to his disability and taken to hiding away feeling sorry for himself. This was until someone came and spoke to him and said ‘You can have a very fulfilling life with the way you are, you just have to make the choice to live again, how will you know if you don’t try?’ From that day this solider was determined to give life a go and stop hiding away feeling sorry for himself. He made a choice to forget his disability and went out socialising, finding local clubs he could get involved in. It followed him on from this and he went on to represent his country in a particular sport and made so many new friends, going on to life a life that he started to really enjoy.

I am telling this story because this person had a choice, he also met a fork in the road and took the safe one at first, to hiding away feeling sorry for himself, the road I took many years ago. Well I was sick of this road and I decided one day to stop wishing it all away, anxiety was just the way I felt, there was nothing I could do about that, I had to accept that it was part of me for now. The outside world had not changed and anxiety or not I was going to be part of it once again.

We can choose a road of avoidance, one of trying to control our anxiety, thinking this temporary relief will help us long term. But it never does and leads to a very restricting life, one were we make excuses not to go here, not to do this and that. We are giving in to the way we feel and letting it control us and what we do, this is the wrong road and leads to more feelings of hopelessness and disconnection with the outside world. You also begin to make deals with your anxiety, ‘I won’t go here if you leave me alone’, ‘I will avoid this place if you don’t come today’.

By human nature we try and find relief, normally it is the right thing to do, but with anxiety it is the opposite, because in trying to find relief your life becomes narrower and narrower, you begin to feel more and more sorry for yourself as you hate that you can’t go here or there. You can also start to go over and over things in your head, either trying to make more deals with your anxiety or knowing that this is not working and then trying to find another way out.

No matter how hard you try to make deals with anxiety, it never seems to be satisfied.

One day you must realise this safe road is not working, it is leading you nowhere, it is just restricting your life more and more.

Let’s go to the other road, the one without safety behaviours, without control and avoidance. This is the road I finally decided to take and anxiety would have to come with me, it no longer had a choice, there were no more deals to be made, no more excuses, if it wanted to be part of my life for now, then so be it, but it had lost it’s hold over me.

At first going out and about and not trying to avoid my feelings was hard and I felt disconnected for a while, but I no longer cared, it was caring so much that got me into the hole in the first place! If I let anxiety into my life without question, then what is there left to fight? What is there left to go over?, What is there left to avoid?, What is there left to control?

The mistake people make is that they are always trying to feel better, this has the opposite effect as you never truly let anxiety in this way. I may post something and people may then use my words as a mantra, say it is ‘Truly accept the way you feel’ they may then repeat this to make themselves feel better. There is the mistake, they again are trying to control their anxiety with a saying, trying to control it.

When I took the choice of the other road, I expected to still feel anxious, I expected to still feel disconnected, more in fact as I was going out of my comfort zones, I held to expectations to how I would feel, my only goal was to live a fulfilling life again, how I felt was secondary and certainly not something I would be trying to control anymore, I had tried this for years and it did not work.

In time this second road lead me to a far better place, to a more fulfilling life, places and experiences I had avoided in the past opened their doors and let me in, my life grew and grew, feelings and insecurities dampened. The other road had the opposite effect, life became narrower and narrower, I felt more and more isolated, my whole day seemed a battle of avoidance and control, no wonder I never got anywhere. But I loved this new road, it was not as safe as the other road and had a few bumps in it, but it was full of victorys and suprises, I felt good about me again, in control.

I was actually always in control, I just never realised it. I had just had to let go of all my uncertainty and insecurities and embrace life again.

To finish just remember you are not your anxiety, you are not your thoughts, so don’t feel the need to control. Many people who progress and those that recovered tell you that eventually they just became on observer of the way they felt, they shifted their focus elsewhere and it did not seem as important as it did before, it was just something in the background. This is because when they accepted it as part of them through understanding, they could begin to focus on other things in their life, they had stopped spending hours inside their head trying to constantly fix things, constantly find ways to control or rid themselves of the way they felt. Until you truly let anxiety in without question and stop making deals with it, then the same fruitless battle will continue. Nobody has ever fought or thought their way out of anxiety, it is like quicksand, the harder you fight to free yourself, the further you sink. 

I hope that post helps. My next post will address how to get out of your mind and free yourself from over thinking.

 Paul

For more help with anxiety visit www.anxietynomore.co.uk

For more information about my book ‘At last a life’ visit

www.anxietynomore.co.uk/the_book.html

Follow me on Twitter

This also gives me time to reflect on the last year and certain observations. I will say in the last year I have seen a shift in people’s attitude to anxiety. We have also had some recent high profile cases on depression and other issues which seems to have woke people up that there can be other problems out there and attitudes have to change. Recently many famous people have come out to speak out on the subject and organizations have been set up like State of Mind, which helps ex rugby players with mental health problems.

Mental health is no longer a stigma, no longer two words to be avoided and it is something that many, many people suffer from at some point in their life, be it anxiety, depression or anything else. It certainly does not mean you are going crazy or this is you for ever, so many people do get the right help and move on with their lives. You will be amazed at the people who find out what I do and say, ‘Oh yes I once felt like that’ or ‘My sister suffers with that’. It is extremely common and thankfully attitudes are now changing.

On the blog itself, well it has been a very successful year with so many coming back to say they have recovered or are well on their way. That is something I never tire of hearing and it is great that people come back and share their stories. Many don’t post on the blog, but I get as many emails telling me the same thing. I even had someone telling me that their doctor pointed them  to the blog, which is something everyone here should be proud of. It really has become a great little community that helps so many people, many who don’t actually post, but just come and lurk and find comfort in what others have to say.

To finish it does take time to recover and you can slowly see people’s posts get more positive and educated as time goes by, until they are then helping and advising others. I see many come here distressed and at the end of their teather. But all you can do is sit back and let them learn gradually, I wish I could wave a magic wand and everyone would be o.k. I have said in the past the one thing that kept me in the cycle for so many years was trying to find that magic sentence or pill to make it all go away, it was just a battle each day from when I woke, to when I went to bed.

Finally as someone said the other week, I have slowed down on posts recently as I want them to be really helpful and not just post for the sake of posting. The next one I promise will be on the 2nd January, one that I am sure will help. I should also have more time to answer here also, again I have been very busy on something which is just about completed now, so I should have more time.

Thanks for everyone who has posted here, especially those that have advised, you will never know how much that means to people.

Happy Christmas and 2012, lets make it the best year yet

Paul

Firstly I would say the hard part of recovery is keeping the faith that things will get better, too many people are impatient and think how they feel today, is the way they will feel in the future. I was tested many times through my own recovery and the odd day I would shed some tears, feel frustrated and back to square one. I would also feel the need to scoot off and find the miracle sentance or cure that would make it go away instantly. I knew though that I had to stop looking for a way to make it go away and become one with it. To take the sting out of it you have to learn to be fine with the way you feel. Don’t be anxious because you are anxious !

Also another part that is very important is having the faith in yourself. When anxious our subconcious plays many tricks. We may think about going somewhere or doing a certain task and the hovering anxiety tells us to take the safe route and hide away, don’t go. Then we get frustrated that we can’t do ordinary tings and start questioning everything. It really is about feeling the apprehension and just doing it anyway, what you are getting is a false signal caused my your current state. I could write a long list of all the times I just went straight through my insecurites, my fears and apprehensions and nothing ever happened. I knew this was the way to get my life back, to stop giving in to my anxiety, to take away it’s power and see what it really had, I wanted to stop closing doors and start opening them and this meant going against my instincts and start living again. I can’t recall how many times people have come to me and said ‘I used to do this, but I can’t anymore’ when asked why they can’t, they cannot answer. You can do anything you want, there is nothing to stop you, don’t listen to that voice that says you cannot and start to nurture that voice that says you can. To feel normality you have to live normal, to lose your fears you have to go through them, not around them, you have to have the faith that although you may not always feel great, you will be fine. Anxiety symptoms really are surface symptoms, you have not lost who you are, that person is just waiting to resurface again.

Anyway here is the story that was passed on to me, hope it helps and inspired people.

Hello everyone, I haven’t visited this website in so long. The reason? Because I am no longer anxiety ridden. In fact, I rarely think about it anymore. Now that I went back to see what’s new here, I realized and got reminded how many people are still suffering with anxiety, the SAME way I used to. I remember when my life was hell and anxiety cosumed me every moment of my day. Everything,  had to be planned “in case I panic”. I avoided many activities. I almost became house ridden, but thank God I went to go see a doctor specializing in anxiety and CBT treatment. After I saw him, I wasn’t cured, I just felt a little bit more comfortable and he boosted up my confidence that I could beat it. I remember thinking “How long will it take? Why has it been a year and I am still anxious?”. The main solution came from this website. Paul was so right when he said “just start living your life, stop consuming yourself with anxiety and constantly researching it. Just stop and do the things you used to enjoy and the freedom will come to you, layer by layer, slowly but surely if you just stop thinking about it constantly.”

I remember asking myself “How can I stop thinking about it and live my life when I feel like im on the verge of an emotional breakdown or something?”. But I SLOWLY stopped letting anxiety ruling my life. I was scared to do everything I used to do at once, so I started “progressive exposure”. I would go out where I would feel somewhat comfortable at first, then once I got more confidence I started throwing more things into my daily activities. Eventually I got confident that even though I am out and I have anxiety INITIALLY, I am still going to stay there and I will NOT run home and avoid it. I knew that this is an essential part of recovery and no magic pill will ever make me feel better, it was up to me and slowly I started enjoying my life again, I got more confident and rarely get anxious anymore, when I do, I know I am not going back to square one again. after all, anxiety is a natural and a normal human emotion. 

I know we became used to being ’scared ‘ of anxiety, thinking we MUST not feel it ever, but in reality, we will feel it on many occasions and take it as a normal part of life where we know it will not stick around forever. The real difference between “normal people” and anxiety ridden people, is that anxious people experience anxiety and take it as a some sort of catastrophic event, where as normal people experience it , and say “oh well” and move on with their activities and the feeling eventually passes, that’s the KEY. 

I hope this short story helps. just stick with this website, get courage and start living the life and it shall pass, I promise.

Anon

I just want to add something to the story sent in above;

The key point is that you probably will feel anxious when you go somewhere or do something that in the past you have avoided, but so what? Again feeling anxious has been here since the dawn of time, it is how people reacted to it that differs. Remember it is just adrenalin, it cannot harm you , it’s just a feeling, a feeling that was put there to protect you, it truly is nothing to run or hide away from.

I always found that when I did not go for the quick escape or run away from it and rode it out, then it always calmed. You cannot produce adrenalin indefinately anyway, that is a medicl fact, so it will always calm. I eventually got to the point where I did not care if I felt anxious or not, it made no difference to me, it was just became a harmless feeling and that was when the real progress started as it was no longer an issue.

I hope the above helps and inspires people.

Paul

For more help with anxiety visit www.anxietynomore.co.uk

For more information about my book ‘At last a life’ visit

www.anxietynomore.co.uk/the_book.html

Follow me on Twitter