Before I start today’s post a lot of people have been emailing me asking why the app is no longer available. Well it is a fault on apples side and after numerous phone calls trying to sort it out they have promised to get it back up by next week.
O.K on to todays post which is entitled;
‘The battle with myself is over’
A lot of anxiety sufferers are in a constant battle with themselves, I was on a daily basis also. This battle can take many forms.
It can be;
Trying to figure out why they feel a certain way.
Trying to come across as normal
Trying not to think about anxiety
Trying to hold on to who they are
Trying to feel a certain way
Trying not to feel a certain way
Trying to think a different way
Trying to be somewhere else
Trying to use mantras they have learnt to help ease how they feel
The list goes on, but there is one key word there and that is the word ‘Trying’. That word is what causes the battle as they never accept their current state, it’s always about feeling different. This tires the already tired mind, this stops you engaging with the world around you, this adds pressure to feel a certain way. This keeps you stuck on the subject daily until you feel you can think of nothing else.
I also went through these daily rituals, each day was another battle to get through the best I could, to try and figure it all out, maybe today everything would just slot into place, maybe today I would wake up and it would be all over. Then one day after tiring my mind and body out it hit me that the only way to stop thinking and obsessing about it was to allow it. Not the half hearted attempts I had done before, but a full on allow.
Firstly I understood that allowing would not have me feeling great, forget that, that was the mistake I had made before, I had used it to feel better in the past. Also I wanted to move on from the subject, after years of thinking about it then it would not go over night, my attention would stay on me for a while but this was a long term thing. Last, but not least I had to let myself collapse fully, this meant let my thoughts think whatever, let my feelings go haywire, no more thinking I can accept that, but not that, no more trying to hold on, keep a grip on myself, I had to allow myself to fall in a hole, feel as yuck as needed without going back to old habits of trying to fix.
The statement that I wrote down at the time was ‘The fight to control my mind, my thoughts and my feelings is over’ and I meant it. I could no longer care if I felt good or bad, alert or distant, clear or foggy headed, anxious or not, a racing or still mind, nothing was off limits anymore. How could I worry if I had completely allowed? how could I try and fix if I had fully allowed? how could I keep going over and over things if I had fully allowed? This was a process and a lot of feelings surfaced stronger than ever as they were no longer suppressed or controlled and had the space and freedom for once to be felt and then to escape.
It’s the need to control, the instinct we are born with that kept me in the loop. It’s not always easy to stay calm and not get involved when your thoughts and feelings are racing around, but these feelings are not you, they are just surface feelings, an off shoot of anxiety and are totally harmless, they can only hold the respect you give them. They actually want to be left alone so they can go ahead and heal, they don’t need your constant worry and intervention, the best way to fix yourself is to stop trying to fix yourself.
Hope that helps in some way
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