Don’t try to please people around you

I thought long and hard about my next post, as I think I have covered a lot recently about having a ‘whatever’ attitude to how you feel and so many people have this concept, and reading through so many have improved a lot. I have like a diary of my own suffering and how I got through each stage, so I have plenty more to say and do take on board what people post and do think ‘I remeber that stage’ or ‘I remember when I struggled with that’ and try to cover such comments or posts the best I can.

Todays topic certain people will relate to and it was certainly something I went through that held me back. When I first suffered with anxiety, I really had no clue what was wrong with me and in time my confidence really plummeted. Well we all know what people with little confidence have a habit of doing and that is ‘People pleasing’ not only that, but we try and cover up how we are feeling, still trying to be the jolly person with loads of confidence when inside we feel lost and bewildered.

I remember going to work and just trying to please everyone. My confidence was so low, I felt that everyone was better than me, I had suffered from depression and wanted to make myself feel good and wrongly thought that trying to please people would do this. I stopped having opinions and just agreed with everyone, which is the quickest way for your confidence to plummet even furthur. I used to get frustrated as to where the old me had gone and try and cover up how I was feeling, acting through the whole day, ‘I must not let people see how I am’ , ‘I must come across as normal and happy’ The stress of this had me breakdown in tears one day. I could no longer keep this act up. I was sick of trying to make people like me, which in turn had the opposite effect I am sure, as people lose respect for someone who has no opinions and just agrees with what everyone is saying, it certainly made me lose even more confidence in myself.

So one day I thought ‘No more’ I am not acting my way through the day, if people notice I am not myself, if I come across as odd then so be it, I am not acting that everything is o.k anymore. So many people email me and say this hurts them more than anything. Losing who they are. I say ‘Don’t chase your own tail trying to scramble your way back to who you were or act that everything is o.k, this will only put yourself under more stress’.

I also said to myself, ‘However I feel I am no longer trying to please people. However I feel I am going to have an opinion, this anxiety is just a surface feeling, I am still me underneath and that confidence will come back in time, but not if I lose who I am underneath and I have never gone around trying to please people in the past and anxiety will not lead me down that path’.

So from that day if I came across as odd then so be it, I had stopped acting that everything is o.k, if people spoke about me not being the person I used to be, quiet, more withdrawn, not as chirpy, then water off a ducks back, the real me will rise again in time. Also from that day on, the people pleasing stopped, I no longer ‘Tried to make people like me to help me feel better, this was having the opposite effect, it just made me feel worse anyway’. From that day on the stress of trying to be something I wasnt and not have to act anymore was lifted from me. I felt more at ease and in time when I was free of anxiety, I was more confident than ever. The real me had risen again like I knew it would, it was always there, but it came back stronger than ever.

So if you can realte to any of the above I would like you to do the same. I hated trying to please others, I knew that acting my way through the day made me feel worse and like everything else. I always recognised this and tried to change it. These changes made so much difference to me in the short and long term. Never forget however you feel, that person is still there, just waiting to rise back up, more confident than ever.

Just to finish, so many people who recover say how much more confident they feel, also how they view life differently, they lose their lust for material things and just enjoy living again. They no longer take the simple things for granted and love just waking up in a morning and doing the simple things, that person was also me.

I hope todays post helps in some way and that everyone had a great bank holiday.


61 Responses to “Don’t try to please people around you”

  1. Katy Says:

    Hi Paul + all
    I used to do that, go to work and pretend to be normal. But a while ago when i was having a bad time i had to explain why i was off work and to my surprise most people were understanding and even my boss confided that he had experienced anxiety when he lost a family member. The last person who I thought would understand. I thought no one would understand and think oh just pull yourself together, which i know alot of people think. It does make things alot easier not having to pretend and takes some of the pressure off.
    Also I agree with you Paul, although i have not reached full recovery, material things do not matter anymore, i just long to enjoy the simple things in life again.

  2. Candie Says:

    Hi everyone,

    I think it goes to say we have all at one point or another put on a brave face that all is well, when really it couldnt be further from the truth! Most the time now i can have a decent conversation without been trapped in my own mind… but i can recall a few times at college where inside i felt so crap yet i had to pretend to be enjoying some conversations and interested in what people had to say! Its exhausting, luckily im a lot better now and do genuinely want to interact with people.

  3. LORRYT Says:

    Hi candie

    well i have stepped back from this for a bit and i genuinely feel i am starting to make a recovery, i definately agree with you all and think you have to just allow yourself to be for a while and its just enought o cope with everyday life without taking on others errands too.
    alot of this is down to you lot understanding and likewise making me understand how my body will get back to normal. but alot of it is pauls book
    have a good day all


  4. Candie Says:

    Hi LorryT

    I’m glad your making progress 😀 Stick at it and you will make bigger strides of progress than you would obsessing and investigating anxiety as a subject. I used to come on this blog and post 4-5 times a day! It is ok to do that now im at the stage i am (as i can switch of), but back then i smothered myself with anxiety as a subject.. my days where filled with reading about it and talking about it, which inturn made me think about it 24/7. Now i can see why i didnt make much progress, as soon as i stopped doing it my recovery progressed in leaps and bounds!

    I have gone from an anxious, panicky wreck… who cried and laid in bed exhausting my mind worrying etc;- To someone who can think of anxiety with a healthy approach, i dont panic anymore, i cant remember the last time i cried, i rarely have any physical symptoms and when i do i just accept them as part of me. I suppose i have just about recovered, its just a case of giving my memories of thoughts and symptoms time to fade.

    It can happen for anyone, if you let it… its hard to make the transition from one extreme of panic to the feeling of flow.. but it will happen eventually if u accept how you feel.

  5. lorryt Says:

    hi candie

    i am beginning to see that now and am living for now and not worrying about things i cant change and that has had a big impact on me, i am looking back and thinking baout how i used to let everything get to me and pull me down. im in a bubble and anything i dont want to affect me i flick away! seems bizarre, but it works for me.

  6. JR Says:

    Paul…what a post and exactly what I needed today. I’ve quit trying to please people and put on an act in spurts. I think it is such a habit for me that I sometimes start pleasing or acting and don’t even know it. I know this will be a big hurdle for me but I’ve already felt the effects of stopping this and I feel better and my confidence returns. This is a habit, that while in it, you feel you must do in order for people to like you or to avoid those “what’s wrong with you” and “you’ve changed” comments. I know what’s on the another side of this habit and it feels sooo good.

  7. Katy Says:

    Hi Candie
    good to see you on face book! Am still trying to figure out how to work it.
    Hope you all have a good weekend.

  8. Candie Says:

    Hi Katy… i sent you a message on there yesterday but kept getting an error code! Let me know if u got it x x x

    Have a good weekend everyone, Im at a christening sunday.. going to be a godparent too!

  9. jay Says:

    I can relate to this article and sadly im guilty of pretending to be normal except for those who understand my condition for fear of what they will think of me. In our society, first impressions last so the pressure is there.

  10. No More Anxiety Says:

    Your right JR about it being a habit and also I think our confidence plummets a bit and this causes us to maybe ‘Try too hard to please’ looking for hapiness through other people’s comments which never works, hapiness comes from our own confidence and having our own opinions. I also tried to ‘come across as normal’ , ‘must not let anyone figure out how I was feeling. The trouble with this is how can you expect to chat comfortably to anyone when you are more interested how you are coming across, its impossible and this daily act becomes such a strain. As a leaf that bends with the wind and does not try to resist it, then so should we drop the act and just be who we are. I stopped because I stopped caring if people maybe noticed, if they saw me as a little odd, stopped caring if people liked me, all these things were the reasons I did it and what a difference. I read somewhere that we keep the right kind of grip on ourselves when we release the grip. That makes so much sense and sums up the whole post really.

  11. lisa Says:

    hi candie,hope the christening goes well,youl be a lovely god mum to abbey and alfie hope they like their presents x

  12. Candie Says:

    Thanks Lisa, get on msn some time to we can chat randomness! Hope ya doing well x x

  13. LORRYT Says:

    HI ALL

    HOPE YOU ARE ALL WELL, having a SILLY DAY, THOUGHT CREEPIN in again, i have been busy over the weekend , maybe its that , but im past figuring it out i think i am stressing about my youngest starting school, and i will be home alone for 3 days a week, dont know why im getting stresssed but i am ?!.. learning to not worry about too much she says taking the past comment into consideration !. gettign there slowly, but thats the whole point i am getting there. i will put you as a gfriend on facebook katy as soon as my pc gets a bit better !!!! doing this from work naughty !. APPREHENSION IS another thing too, but i guess that will fade in time, i am having a lot of time to think clearly for once which i spose is a good thing all the best lorrytxx

  14. Candie Says:

    Lorry that is the point.. your making improvements thats all that matters. Its never how we think and feel that counts.. its how we react.

    I am feeling really anxious at the moment, but i know there is nothing i can do that will make a differance.. so im going to ‘not do’ and let the adrenaline fizzle out. It takes time to build up a new attitude, but once your confident with it and have a bit of experience of coming through setbacks then you stop watching yourself as much and things really start to get better. At the minute im trying to provoke my anxiety, i know it sounds mad but im so confident with it now i have learnt you can overcome many fears if you invite them in! By doing this i have learnt that i have full control over adding a second fear to the anxiety i feel… strange how our body and mind works!

  15. No More Anxiety Says:

    Have the blue rinse girls met for a wild night of randomness yet : )

    My pic page is awaiting!

  16. Candie Says:

    No we havnt met up yet Paul! when we do we will post the discracing evidence on here haha. Lisa is a bit busy organising a house move and im looking to rent for the first time so it will have to be put of for a bit! It will deffo happen though, i think we should wear blue rinse wigs to mark the occasion too 😀

  17. LORRYT Says:

    will grey do , then i wont have to wear a wig !!!!!!!!! only joking

    have a great time though!

    cheers for the advice , always gratefully received lorryt

  18. Dean Says:

    hi all

    how u all doing,i wanted to ask you if any of you suffer from alergies as one of the symptoms of anxiety.i have just made eating the foods i used to love and enjoy,such an issue now and im so hesitant on eating it encase it will set off my anxiety or do sumtin not perfect,but i have tried to change my diet towards the healthy side,but its not easy sometimes,its gonna take some time to get my body used to not having what it used to.but i suppose i cant deny myself those foods right?i really need some guidance for this.i know its just a mind thing and i feel like im restricting myself from really enjoying my foods.


    P.S. and i want to thank paul so much for sending me his ebook its put alot of things into perspective 4 me.

  19. lorryt Says:

    jjust as you think things are getting better life throws a curveball at ya. i had some bad news today and am scared to let myself cry , , i lost a good friend, and am frightened if i let go , i wont be able to stop. i know its only natural to grieve , but i have just come to terms with getting over the death of my mum. i have just read hwat i typed two words stand out scred and frightened, im doing it again, iguess i just have to let go and see what happens. i am reminding myself of the positives i have in my life and be grateful of what i have. but i have th etools to help me deal with thing sbetter now, sorry togo on but i needed to get it out. hope you are all well

  20. katie x Says:

    hey lorry i can tell by that message youre rambling just calm down i myself have experienced grief my 19 year old aunty then a year later my nine month old niece you will get threw youre stronger than u think it will just take time a day at a time chin up and you will deal with it x

  21. Nicole Says:

    Hi everyone,
    I remember a few months back reading a post from Candie that said something like “today I have finally given up the fight” and how she was ready to let the anxiety be there for as long as it needed. I would read and read that post because it gave me a lot of hope. I can finally say that after 2 1/2 years of having anxiety that I think I am at that place and truly understand what Candie was saying. I used to wonder how I would get there, when would I feel peace?
    Lately I have been focusing on just living my life for me and not the anxiety and then the other day as I was walking up to the front door of my house I felt this sense of calm and understanding. The anxiety was still there but I truly felt like it was okay that it was there and it wasn’t going to hurt me and that it meant nothing. I have since experienced moments in the day when I realize I don’t feel it at all and there is a feeling of space in my chest where there was once a painful tightening. It really takes practice too to spot when I automatically start adding fear to my anxiety symptoms, but I am getting much better at that too.
    My mind still churns out some silly thoughts and the sleeping thing is at times not great but all of this is starting to not matter that much. I was making recovery way too important! I am sure that there are going to be moments in the future when I will need to re-learn this, but I have more confidence in my ability to come through it now.

  22. lisa Says:

    you dont need tools lorry you need to grieve or your bottling it up,let it all be there ,thats how you will deal with it and katy is right one day at a time. well what a suprise kat being evicted last night no more happy happy house now,bet candie is think darnell needs to read this site,sorry paul i no youv a bet on him to win but he is soooooo negative and constantly searching for reassurance all the time. i think rex or mikey will win it now. iv become so much so much stronger i frighten my self sometimes,if i believe in something i go and achieve it,if i want to do something il prove il do it, nothing stands in my way now i can see me coming back even stronger before anxiety started for me. iv just one more thing to win now iv done everything i can now its just waiting!!!! as soon as we get the night out sorted paul with candie we will let you know just alot on at the moment and candie has too.its nice to get the kids back to school six weeks is along time for them and we havent had much of a summer for them :-( . dean,cant help you on the allergy on food but if its just anxious thoughts about eating the food just let them come and eat the food dont make it into a problem that doesnt need to be there,or if its causing you a rash or something your better off seeing your doctor.i got headaches if i ate strawberries so i cant eat them,alot of people do drinking to much caffeine and chocoloate so they know not to eat or drink whats causing there headaches. by reading your post i think your just worrying incase you eat the food its going to set your anxiety off ,so let them thoughts be and just eat it your showing them thoughts your not bothered and your in control and your thoughts and anxiety isnt. hope that helps :-) hope everyone well xx

  23. lorryt Says:

    hi all thanks for that , i am getting myself in a state about things again. I am concerning myself about my youngster starting school next week. i think its abad time of year too, as my daughter was born on my mums birthday , and the past few years someone has always died on or near the 5th. with regards to grieving i guess i had bottled up my mums death for so long it just became natural not to deal with it. and for sure i now realise that wasnt healthy. i think the fear of going backwards scares me as i have come so far, but progress as we say is never in a straight line.

    Dean i know nothing about food anxiety all i know is that i didnt eat for 3 weeks as i was so scared of being sick, but bit by bit i got there and food isnt an issue now except when i realise i am abit anxious and i will eat when my body is ready .

    thanks guys you are invaluable

  24. Dean Says:

    Hi all

    I wrote a message here i just wanted to know if i cud get feed back on it

    kind regards

  25. lisa Says:

    dean,pauls not on the blog everyday,there is a post on the blog reguarding food anxieties, you just need to be patient,thats why alot of us help each other on here. dont think im being mean because im not like that but he does have a life,he can only answer in his own time. :-)

  26. Dean Says:

    hi lisa

    No i no you not being mean dont worry.i just wanted to know if any of you experince it not particulary paul.i just was thanking paul for sending me the ebook.i just had i think an panic attack about the whole food issue and it feels like i got a golf ball in my throat its so tense.

  27. Candie Says:

    Hi Dean,

    I think you should stop worrying about eating healthy, and just eat what your comfortable with… dont put any extra stress on yourself. Once your comfortable eating again then think about eating healthier. The easiest way to get over this is to throw yourself at the fear, allow yourself to feel it and learn to eat them foods anyway. You have simply attached the fear of anxiety to something.. we have all done it! Basically you have sensitized your mind into thinking something as simple eating is going to be distressing. I didnt eat for a week once, but now i cant stop eating and have totally lost the fear! I wouldnt worry about foods causing anxiety, just dont have too much caffeine and sweetners.. as they can trigger it.

  28. Dean Says:

    hi candi

    yeah you so right,im so focused on eatingg right and its putting strain on my body and im not giving it the foods that i enjoyed so much and neva used to give it a second thowt for eating them.i really enjoy my food and i dont only eat just unhealthy stuff.i eat you say i have put a fear on it.i mean i constantly watch myself when i put food into my mouth,that im going to get allergies or a reaction from it and i think i brought on an attack yesterday for doing ive got a lump in my throwt and it like reinforces that fear that i musnt eat that food,or eat badly.i need to let go as you say and face the fear head on,because then im going to stay in this fearfull place.and i know im really strong deep down inside and i can get through this with ease and not to fight it,but i dont think im giving myself a chance.

    kind regards

  29. SJ Says:

    can anyone give advice on how to conquer low self-esteem, confidence etc as the anxiety has taken so much of this away so i am now struggling to get some of that back as the physical symptoms have gone but i am feeling unhappy in myself and it seems to be holding me back. This alone is causing problems as without some of those things you feel empty and not strong enough and even not motivated enough to want to do things you would really like to do. If anyone else feels this way or has an answer i would be grateful for advice as it can be upsetting at times. I know you shouldn’t worry about how you feel but for a woman these things matter.

  30. Peter Says:

    Hi all
    I am so much better than I was 6 months ago. Physical symtoms don’t seem to bother me very much at all now, but I have been left with the memories about how I felt when I was really bad. I’m a bit worried that I have been left just feeling really flat and can’t really get excited about life at the moment. Perhaps this is due to the anxiety I have had and the way I have concentrated on taking one day at a time? I suppose that it just takes more time for the ‘old you’ to return!

  31. sj Says:

    Hi Peter
    I have had anxiety since May this year and am at a similar stage to yourself. I too feel flat and cannot look forward to things until some of my normal feelings return. What i mean is my emotions are there but not in the way they should be and maybe i have the habit of analyzing myself which is hard to break especially as it hit me so hard and has taken away a lot of the person i once was. I don’t have physical symptoms anymore but i can’t feel positive until my confidence returns. I think for me this is the hardest part as losing who you once was is hard to accept but hopefully given a little more time that person will rise again or so everyone keeps saying.
    Take care

  32. Candie Says:

    Hi Dean, iv had a lump in my throat… its nothing to do with eating… just a common symptom of anxiety.

    Peter, SJ…. your ‘thawing’ from the anxiety. It takes a while for things to return to normal, it doesnt matter if u feel flat at the moment as its only temporary… and perfectly normal considering what you have experienced!

    You will emerge stronger and more greatful for life after this which will result in you feeling happier! Just let yourself be and be happy with how far you have come! Our worst mistake with anxiety is we always look how far we have to go, instead of appreciating how far we have come.. i have done it myself too so im not critiicising! I always remind myself how bad i would probably be if i hadn’t of found this new approach to anxiety… we are all lucky to have found the key to recovery….. many people are still out there living in despair.

    Hope everyone has a great weekend

  33. SJ Says:

    hi Candie,
    Thanks for the advice. Throughout this experience i have not been on any forms of medication and have just let things happen naturally. It is not to say i haven’t had times where it became overwhelming and i have shed tears many times as i expect most people will have at some stage or another. I think the memories of it all will always be there and trying to address them is probably the next stage in recovery until ‘normal’ feelings eventually return. I guess it comes down to trust and patience which can be trying especially when you feel so close yet still so far but i understand full recovery will only happen when it feels ready and not before. If anxiety does anything it makes you reassess your life. Your advice is always very professional i have to say.
    Have a good day.

  34. Dean Says:

    hi sj

    I can resinate so much with you in what yu are saying,im just also focusing so much on the symptoms and i can feel it bringing me new symptom to worry about is a lump in my throat which ive had for the last three days and it is making it difficult to breathe.i dont like doctors and would rather prefer to do it the all natural way,the way our bodies wer designed to heal.but its all these feelings of the unknown that surface and you so confused because you dont know how to help urself.i also just do not have the money to go and do all these check ups at the doctors everytime a new symptom arises.its just a horrible feeling and i just dont know what to do.sorry if im just blabbering on.its just its a gud place to come and let loose.

    kind regards

  35. SJ Says:

    Hello Dean,
    I only went to the Doctors at the beginning to get diagnosed as i was a quivering wreck by then. I had loads of symptoms as it progressed but never felt the need to go back and just coped with them knowing they were all related to the anxiety. At a guess i would say the lump in your throat is just that and will eventually subside. Any sympton is scary and makes you think all sorts but mine have all subsided. I try to look after myself and have always taken a vitamin supplement and an actimel daily which i think has helped keep me feeling relatively fit and not fatigued. I don’t know how long you have suffered but trust me things will get easier in time. That is the reason for tears at times because it can get you down no matter how strong you try to be. I have had mine since May and i am now at the stage where the symptoms have gone but my confidence and self esteem is not very high and i still can’t enjoy myself fully. Also the memory of it all is still fresh. It’s fine to let loose as you put it and i am getting through without tablets so it can be done even though the tough times are hard. Try not to dwell on it too much cos when i stopped doing that the symptoms disappeared. If it does worry you too much then just get it checked for peace of mind but it is not uncommon to get that as a symptom. I hope that helps.
    Take care.

  36. Peter Says:

    Candie – thanks for your comments, very much appreciated.

    Dean – what SJ says is right. The thing to remember is that when we’re anxious we always ‘focus in’ and obssess over something, whether it is a physical symptom eg palpitations or a lump in the throat or disturbing thoughts that we may be having. Having had many of the physical symptoms and disturbing thoughts myself, all I can say is that they WILL go in time, once your anxiety/adrenaline levels begin to return to normal.

    I know it’s not easy, but what you need to do is just accept these symptoms will be there for the moment, tell yourself it’s caused by your anxiety and try to get on with your day and focus on something else that takes your mind off the symptoms. This is much easier to do on some days than others (I was much worse when I was tired) but the more you do it the easier it becomes and gradually your body will adjust and your anxiety will begin to calm.

  37. Dean Says:

    hi sj and peter

    you are both right thats what ive beenn doing,ive been obsessing over them and when i do it seems to like get worse.and when i take my mind off it,it is still there but its not as prevelant.ive had this lump in my throat for the past for days,when you guys experienced it how long did this lump take to subside full?sj- i have had anxiety since april this year.but im just like forcing myself to be in these uncomfortable situations and facing my fears as paul says all the time and i actually enjoy myself and it takes my mind of things.i really dont like docters,i mean is it really so wrong not to go see them.coz alot of docters really dont seem to understand what you going trough and will just send you off with an anti deppesant and they will send you on ur way and i really dont want that for myself.where i cud rather go and spaend the money on something beneficial for my body and not cause other problems and just allow my body to heall on its own.i dont know if it could be an allergy thing,aswell being obssesing over what i put in my mouth as before i nea used to care i just used to enjoy it.thanks for the support guys it really is appreciated.


  38. Dean Says:

    p.s i appologise for the many spelling errors my keyboard is playing up.haha:)

  39. SJ Says:

    Hi Dean,
    I have not experienced that symptom but i have had many others which are not pleasant. Some things stick around for a while depending on how you deal with them. I have just let things run their course which isn’t always easy but it works. I only have the memories of the anxiety like Peter to deal with and getting more confidence back as i still feel something missing. Compared to most i have only had it a relatively short time but it has felt like an eternity as i am in unknown territory. Time is everything. As for Doctors i think you are right when you say all they want to do is send you on your way with tablets but if i can do it without them then anyone can. Anxiety is a weird thing to deal with for anybody.
    You will be fine.

  40. Dean Says:

    hi sj

    Thankyou so much for the words of really helps alot for me to just carry much as i like to view my piont on here and let loose i do take the words of encouragement to thankyou to you and everyone else.i just want to know is it really actually nessecary to go see a doc?i just feel so hesitant about it.ive been told if you hesitant about things like that dont do them or maby its just a fear of if i do go the docter is gonna tell me somthing awful,it could be a little of that.i also dont really have the money to go have docters appointments and or kinds of stuff done either.i dont know im just having trouble excepting the chooses ive made so far are ok and that il see the light at the end of the tunnel and get well,without having to go see a docter.


    p.s and i dont know if this lump is anxiety related or maby an allergy thing.i suppose its all interlinked

  41. SJ Says:

    You really do seem to be focusing on this lump in your throat. With anxiety you always believe the worst case scenario when in fact the opposite is true. Many times when i had various symptoms i started to diagnose all sorts and got myself in a bit of a state but eventually i stopped doing that and little by little the symptoms went. I now believe i will get over this but it needs more time even though the patience thing is hard to get when some days you feel pretty fed up with it all but i have come this far and so can you. No Doctor will have the answer but if it does bother you as much as it seems to then just getting it checked should help you tick that off your list of problems. Try and take it easy.

  42. Candie Says:

    Dean, people get all sorts of symptoms with anxiety.. these include a lump in the throat, tight throat, itching in the throat. This is caused by the muscles in your throat aching and tensing up due to anxiety. Iv had lump in throat, tensing in my jaw, tension headaches.

    There is no actual lump, just your muscles tensing which can restrict the area, making it hard to swallow etc. If you went to see your doctor, he could check for you and put your mind at rest.

  43. Dean Says:

    hi candie and sj

    Ya i suppose you right,as i said i dont like docters there is just sumtin holding me back from going to them like its not nessecary.i just need to relax and my body will follow.this only started when i was thinking what i was putting in my mouth would cause me bad allergies and i think my body was so overwhelmed that it created a panic attack and ive had that tight throat and lump in my throat since then and that was four days ago.i think i need to just relax you both are right and i need to trust and let my higher self and the universe take care of me.they say there is never a right or wrong decision you can make.guys we in this together and we will come out feeling like brand new people that have just come off an assembly line at a car manufacturer lol.anyway thanks so much for the support guys.


  44. Dean Says:

    p s and we will be able to help people come through it because its a gift to experience it in a way.and we can teach people how to cope with it.

  45. Candie Says:

    Thats right Dean.. it really does give you a zest for life coming out the other side! Im getting there and i really appreciate and love my life now.

    Today i went for a carvary for my tea with my fiances sister.. we where walking home and i saw a massive deep puddle- i couldnt let the opportunity pass me by so there we where drenching each other like little kids having the best water fight ever! I had to walk home drenched and cothered in soggy grass.. but i enjoyed every minute of it! Now im not saying everyone should go have a water fight(each to there own!), but i saw the puddle as an opportunity for fun… instead of walking out my way to get round it! The old me wouldnt of wanted to get cothered in mucky water etc. Supose im excited that im finally living for the moment again! If there is one thing anxiety has given me its appreciation for the basic things in life!

  46. SJ Says:

    You sound like you have calmed down a bit now about the lump in your throat which is good. I don’t think many people would agree that it is a gift to experience but i’m sure it will make you appreciate life more than before.

    You sound like you are in a good place now which gives hope to all other sufferers who look to turn a dark corner into the sunshine and do little things which raise a smile and confidence.

    Take care

  47. lisa Says:

    hi candie,finally got to use the library computer what a going on im having with mine,,lol. havent worked msn out on here,roll on getting my own back on :-)

  48. Candie Says:

    Lol lisa.. il look out for you on facebook chat then! 😀

  49. Dean Says:

    hi sj

    Ya i suppose so thers nothing i can do ita not in my hands anymore.i know im complaining alot,but i just need to get it off my chest so i can begin my positive also just worried about the allergy side of the foods i really used to enjoy and crave them so much now and im holdig myself back from eating them because imworried im gonna gt allergies from.coz they say with theanxiety ur allergies do tent to become worse.i really just want to eat something and not worry if its gonna cause an allergy problem.the fod i eat is a variety im not fussy.i have the healthy food and the not so healthy food just struggling to get a grip on that at the moment.i just here that allergy reactions and it scares me into not eating those foods i dont know why.


  50. Dean Says:

    sorry about the spelling mistakes haha

  51. Dean Says:

    i ment to say i hear allergy reactions can get really bad.

  52. brian Says:

    hey everyone,

    well i guess ive got a little to complain about to dean. i have been letting my anxiety be for the last couple of weeks but it doesnt seem like its getting any better. im having symptoms ive never really had before and my anxiety just seems higher than its ever been. i know this definitely might be connected to the fact that im in college and just started classes again, but i wonder if although i am letting my feelings be there, i am still dwelling on them / obsessing over them. for me it seems that when i relax and give space to my thoughts and feelings they become the center of my attention, and im not sure if this is right. should i just let them be the center of attention or do i need to change my approach at all?
    By the way Candie it really sounds like your doing great and that is awesome. it is certainly inspiring to watch someone on the right road to recovery.

  53. lorryt Says:

    hi all
    great to see everyone helping each other, i am struggling a lot today, probably because i had a mega busy weekend sorting out decorating putting furnioture in , a birthday party and a night out. i am knackered and my daughter started school today i am a bit upset and had a few tears, but the thing that still gets to me is the disturbing thoughts. i am getting all the physical stuff back , but i can handle that alot better, but the thought of me being left on my own, how am i gonna cope. it doesnt help that im tired, as someone else commented its always worse for me then too.
    i have another funeral to go to next week , which i am unsuire how i will cope with, but im not too stressed about that , as i have to deal with today. one day at a time, thought i could start looking forwarda bit more , but when i struggle i have to put the reins on and slow down. i love my life and my kids but when things hit me i seem to let them hit me hard. maybe i am just too sensitive. i dunno. Candie, lisa ,katie and katy , you all understand the woman thing and hormones! im sure that contributes too.
    i know i am recovering, and am not despairing as i was before, but i forgot how hard it hits, when after a few good weeks , you feel like the best you have felt for so long.
    well am off to watch tv for a bit and relax as i can have the remote to myself for once ! have a good day all

  54. Candie Says:

    Hi Lorryt

    I understand how hormones can affect.. yes! My worst two episodes of anxiety came after having hormone medication! So if you are on anything that pumps them in your body get it checked out.. as i felt much better after coming of them. Implanon and pill.. etc! Dont under estimate how they can effect your body.. i know one woman who lost 60% of her hair and got depression… and iv herd thousands of stories of people saying they gained anxiety, depression etc. Personally, i feel anxiety came way before i took any hormones.. but they deffinately tipped me over the edge!

    Bet all the guys are confuzzled now haha!

    Well i started my psychology course yesterday…. im not sure if i’m going to carry on with it to be honest. We have to follow one scientific book- and we are not allowed to use experience, beleif etc- just scientific proof to do our exam! No wonder psychologists are so far from the truth at times- how can they possibly understand when they are taught everything is black and white- chemical imbalances etc! It really annoyed me, things will never change in the mental health field until they open there eyes and listen to us- the real proof that not everything is to do with tablets, chemical imbalances etc.

  55. lorryt Says:

    have had a good cry , still feel crap, and rubbish and low, but am trying to get on with things easier said than done really!, but i will get there cheers guys i am on medication for depression but i think its a low so that wont affect too much i hope

  56. Matthew Says:

    As anxiety sufferers we tend to not want to offend people and want people to like us. I still am a little like this. At times I find myself caring too much about what people think about me. It’s usually when I’m feeling a little anxious or low that this happens. When confidence returns however, we care much less of what people think of us. I’m at a stage now where I voice my opinions (in a diplomatic fashion) in many different life situations. One of the mistakes I did make during my early stages of recovery was that I felt I should wait til I felt good about myself until I would speak out. Now I’ll talk to anyone even if I feel anxious. I do sometimes get some strange looks at me, but my “whatever or so be it ” attitude reassures me that I’m always moving forward, and that it’s just all part of the journey to recovery. A classic example: I may chat to an attractive looking female / female that I am attracted to and find myself getting somewhat anxious during the course of conversation. I used to beat myself up about it afterwards. The thing is most guys (without anxiety) get nervous when around attracitve females or girls that they are attracted to. Often I think we are way too hard on ourselves. Learning not to please people around me was initially hard but became easier as the anxious thoughts became less and less and I saw myself becoming increasingly confident. I’m still yet to fully recover, but can’t help feel so grateful for life.

  57. Helz Belz Says:

    wow, another thread that i can totally relate to. i’ve noticed recently that I have a depressive bout nearly everyday at about 4pm, and am starting to wonder if they are caused by the worrying during the day. I have recently chnged living conditions (back at the family home, unemployed etc) and i am always so irritable, but i hate being irritbale with my family so i try and cover it up by seeming to be cheerful. but it just makes me feel worse and makes me feel so exhausted. I know that this thread says to stop pretending and just be me, but i dont like to be so irritable. should i just tell everyone ‘i am likely to be irritable, but dont take it personally?’. how i feel and react to people is getting me down and anxious so much :( h

  58. Helz Belz Says:

    Just a quick question, dont know if anyone can answer it at all, but is there any way of telling the difference between really bad anxiety and depression? because I keep having a thought at the back of my mind that says that all this advice is good, but won’t help if this is proper depression that needs meds, if that makes sense? the thought that it could be much worse is very scarey. thanks, h -x-

  59. Candie Says:

    Hi Helz Belz

    dont try to work this out- if you look on the more recent posts you will see Scarlett suffered both and fully recovered. I dont think any of these illnesses are for life, both can be cured by accepting how you feel. Depression is also a symptom of anxiety. Really bad anxiety is fear, really bad depression is feeling really low. Now i used to have a mixture of both- but when i accepted my anxiety the depression went as i wasnt depressed because i have anxiety if that makes sense.

    Your best posting in the most recent posts for advice etc… as general conversation on a daily basis is usually posted in them. You do get the odd person still posting in older posts but not on a regular basis. Pop along and you will see plenty of people feel the same as you and plenty of people have come through too. See you there!

  60. Helz Belz Says:

    Hi Candie
    thanks you for the reply. Ive been doing the trying to accept thing for about 5 weeks now, and i think there has been some improvement. I’ve always been more anxious than other people, and this all really got very bad about 2 years ago (a long story…essentially I got very worked up and anxious about things that I hadn’t really given much thought to before, only to be told that what i had thought all along was ‘lies’…this left me with a sort of fear or lying to myself or others and a feeling of pointlessness. i got over it for a while but has come back again recently). I don’t want to be stuck like this, and sometimes i feel the ‘spark’ in me that says ‘yes, there is a reason, lets do this!’ but when that ‘spark’ has gone its very lonely and scarey.
    There are good times though, when i feel up i feel much better, maybe i am just noticing the down, depressed times more as they contrast so much with the up times. but thats analysing it all again, oops! But when my mind automatically thinks ‘why are you doing that? whats the point in that?’ I dont like it. but am trying to think that these thoughts won’t have any place in me when I feel better so why get worked up about them now.
    I will take a look at the newer posts. Sorry, I seem to have written a short life story here! thank you again, this place is truly a god-send for so many people. h -x-

  61. Ang Says:

    I can really connect with this post. As i am new to this an i am trying to find out all about anxiety this web site is fantastic!! Getting back to the post i am constantly trying to please people, i’m afraid to have an opinion on anything because those around me think i am going off on one! They tell me to wise up and catch a grip, and don’t speak to me at all,ifind this even more stressing. Those closet to me keep telling me that if i don’t get a grip i will lose them all, how do you overcome this??

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