Archive for August, 2008

Don’t try to please people around you

Monday, August 25th, 2008

I thought long and hard about my next post, as I think I have covered a lot recently about having a ‘whatever’ attitude to how you feel and so many people have this concept, and reading through so many have improved a lot. I have like a diary of my own suffering and how I got through each stage, so I have plenty more to say and do take on board what people post and do think ‘I remeber that stage’ or ‘I remember when I struggled with that’ and try to cover such comments or posts the best I can.

Todays topic certain people will relate to and it was certainly something I went through that held me back. When I first suffered with anxiety, I really had no clue what was wrong with me and in time my confidence really plummeted. Well we all know what people with little confidence have a habit of doing and that is ‘People pleasing’ not only that, but we try and cover up how we are feeling, still trying to be the jolly person with loads of confidence when inside we feel lost and bewildered.

I remember going to work and just trying to please everyone. My confidence was so low, I felt that everyone was better than me, I had suffered from depression and wanted to make myself feel good and wrongly thought that trying to please people would do this. I stopped having opinions and just agreed with everyone, which is the quickest way for your confidence to plummet even furthur. I used to get frustrated as to where the old me had gone and try and cover up how I was feeling, acting through the whole day, ‘I must not let people see how I am’ , ‘I must come across as normal and happy’ The stress of this had me breakdown in tears one day. I could no longer keep this act up. I was sick of trying to make people like me, which in turn had the opposite effect I am sure, as people lose respect for someone who has no opinions and just agrees with what everyone is saying, it certainly made me lose even more confidence in myself.

So one day I thought ‘No more’ I am not acting my way through the day, if people notice I am not myself, if I come across as odd then so be it, I am not acting that everything is o.k anymore. So many people email me and say this hurts them more than anything. Losing who they are. I say ‘Don’t chase your own tail trying to scramble your way back to who you were or act that everything is o.k, this will only put yourself under more stress’.

I also said to myself, ‘However I feel I am no longer trying to please people. However I feel I am going to have an opinion, this anxiety is just a surface feeling, I am still me underneath and that confidence will come back in time, but not if I lose who I am underneath and I have never gone around trying to please people in the past and anxiety will not lead me down that path’.

So from that day if I came across as odd then so be it, I had stopped acting that everything is o.k, if people spoke about me not being the person I used to be, quiet, more withdrawn, not as chirpy, then water off a ducks back, the real me will rise again in time. Also from that day on, the people pleasing stopped, I no longer ‘Tried to make people like me to help me feel better, this was having the opposite effect, it just made me feel worse anyway’. From that day on the stress of trying to be something I wasnt and not have to act anymore was lifted from me. I felt more at ease and in time when I was free of anxiety, I was more confident than ever. The real me had risen again like I knew it would, it was always there, but it came back stronger than ever.

So if you can realte to any of the above I would like you to do the same. I hated trying to please others, I knew that acting my way through the day made me feel worse and like everything else. I always recognised this and tried to change it. These changes made so much difference to me in the short and long term. Never forget however you feel, that person is still there, just waiting to rise back up, more confident than ever.

Just to finish, so many people who recover say how much more confident they feel, also how they view life differently, they lose their lust for material things and just enjoy living again. They no longer take the simple things for granted and love just waking up in a morning and doing the simple things, that person was also me.

I hope todays post helps in some way and that everyone had a great bank holiday.

Paul

Member’s pics starting with Jo’s wedding

Monday, August 11th, 2008

Hi everyone!

Firstly thank you Jo for sending the pics to me to post. I have re-sized them all and put a border round them, so I hope you like them. They are really lovely and great to see something positive. I hope you and Michael have many years of happiness and I wish you all the best for the future.

Also I commend you for letting me post the pics, a lot of people like to stay in the background, due to people’s ignorance on the subject, so I applaud you for that. As I said if anyone else would like some pics posted on this page then feel free to send them to me. I am training for a half marathon which I am a long way off doing yet, but as soon as I do, I will post the pics.

So for anyone who would like to see Jo’s wedding pics, here they are www.anxietynomore.co.uk/members_pics.html

Paul

Don’t get patience and acceptence mixed up with anxiety

Friday, August 1st, 2008

I decided to write this post today after reading through a lot of posts recently. Firstly I want to say something again that was stated in an earlier post, some may have missed it so here it is, in a post. I think certain people get hung up with accepting how they are, this should be a whatever attitude and NOT a need to keep reminding yourself to accept how you feel as you once again start battling with yourself and again becomes a ‘Do’. I think someone mentioned it in the last post to the effect where they had to keep reminding themself to accept how they were. There is no need to do this and as some people may know it loses its force in time. Accpeting is all about not doing ‘Not fighting, not worrying, not filling yourself with self pity. Giving your body a break, its never a ‘Do’, so please don’t feel the need to walk around telling yourself daily you must accept this. I put it more as laying all your tools down and accepting this is you for the time being and not resisting or spending every day trying to get better. I really hope that makes sense.

Secondly through some posts I have seen people worry about the future with statements like ‘Will I be better soon? . ‘I worry about going to….?’ ‘What if there is more wrong with me?’ etc…etc…Firstly please try just for a week or so deal with today, don’t worry about the past and don’t worry about the future. Just deal with today, how much extra stress and worry do people put on themselves doing this. If you just live in today then it takes so much of this away. Especially in people who suffer with anxiety as people worry far more and put such a dark cloud on the tomorrow/next week. Minor issues become far bigger than they really are and we get into a cycle of anxiety/worrying, more worry, more anxiety, anxiety and more worrying, at some point this cycle has to change. So just live for today and then take what comes tommorrow.

I once explained to someone who was in the same situation as another person, that the only reason she felt dreadful is that she worried about the situation and the other person realised there was no point. I learnt early on how destructive worrying was and yes it had become a habit for me, but again it was one I was able to change.

Paul