Archive for April, 2008

Don’t fight to be right!

Saturday, April 19th, 2008

Firstly I have not dropped off the face of the earth. I have been very busy with other things, including building the forum which is just about ready and I will launch it in a while. I am also trying to get a new site of the ground and build a couple of others, one for a family member and one for a friend. Well things have calmed down a bit, so I will be a round a little more than I have been and here is my latest post. I do try and think of something that will help with what people have been talking about on here and what they struggle with. So here is todays title ‘Don’t fight to be right’

The title sums a lot of people up who suffer with anxiety, even people who don’t know they are doing it. The two things people do when symptoms increase or come out of no where is

1. They fight their symtoms, they may have a mental juggle and try to do something about how they feel, they begin a little battle to make themselves feel right or

2. They run away, this could be when they are in company they begin to babble on or lose eye contact and try and get away from the conversation. Or without company they may try and occupy themselves, sort of take a sideways glance to how they feel, they don’t stand their ground, they begin to run away from how they feel.

I used to wake up feeling awful, loads of symptoms and feel very lost and odd. Straight away I fought to be right. I went over things, tried to make things better. Said things like ‘I must relax’, ‘I must accept these feelings’, ‘I must go with it’. Now yes I should just accept it and Tarmo covered this earlier in the blog. If we go around making these statements all day then it becomes fighting again, I was saying these statements to create instant relief, it should be an attitude. Again I used to say these statements all day until I realised I was fighting again.

Here is what Tarmo said and my response to it in an earlier post.

When “trying to accept” becomes “accept”, even for a very short period, is when everything really starts to come together. It shouldn’t take any effort (because then it becomes trying) but it sure does take a lot of patience! Keep your heads up everyone, it’s all within reach!

Yes Tarmo is right and this is something I am going to add in my book, if you spend all day trying to accept, you end up again trying to do something about it.

It should just be an attitude and trust me it does come in time. You don’t have to go around saying ‘I must accept this thing’ ‘just go with it’, if that phrase helps more, don’t put up any resistance.

O.k if that is confusing let me explain something. When you are at the point of either running away or trying to do something about the way you feel, question it etc….This is a very crucial point as this is the time that if you don’t try and do something about it or run away it will pass, it always does, it will pass of its own accord. I found this out, the point when I was just about to go in to ‘trying to control it’ or run away from the feelings was critical. Let me give you an example. I go back to when I had the battle when waking. One moring I felt more odd and lost then ever, I had never felt symptoms so bad. This time I thought I am not going to fight, do what you want, I stood my ground and did not fight or question it, did not run away from it, it sort of washed over me and then within an hour or so I felt great. The same night I went out with friends and later into the night Wham, I felt odd and awful again, I was again just about to go into the ritual of doing soemthing about it, fight, question, and I thought no ‘Whatever it will pass’ and just got on with what I was doing, yes I felt bad for a while but it did pass and I was begining to learn something here, this part when I felt at my worst was crucial, I needed to stand my ground and not run away from it or fight it. The next day I was at a bar in a pub when I saw someone I knew, the symptoms rose, I felt uncomfortable and this is the point where I always acted and tried to get away as quick as possible, yes I would try and run away from how I felt. Well right at the crucial point, the height of my whole instincts telling me to flee, I did’nt, I thought no more running away. I felt uncomfortable, but the more I stood my ground the better I felt and I got through the conversation and actually started to enjoy it. Can you see the crucial point I am talking about?

This is a post from someone who was doing really well recently and then fell back.

Ok all I’m really struggling at the moment. I really don’t know what happened. I’ve read Paul’s book and couldn’t believe how much sense it made. I kept the book close around in case I would need some help or guidance. I also visit this site to get help and support. This blog is great.

I started feeling a lot better and started having periods (maybe a few minutes and slow I would fade back into the full dp state) where my dp faded and I almost 100%. It felt so great. I guess I started getting busy at work and stopped visiting the website and reading, I guess I thought I knew it all and my anxiety was fading away. But then all of a sudden I started feeling really bad and falling into bad habits. I felt good at work for a few days when I felt good and could talk and goof around with coworkers everything kind of opened up and I started to see the world again and felt like I could connect and have “more like me” comments. Now I’m scared to talk again because I don’t feel like me or I guess the don’t know who I am feeling is causing me to question everything I say. The panicy feelings are back and my heart just runs and I feel so confused on where I went wrong. I want to move forward, but I’m so confused. Also, does anyone constantly look back and analyze how they felt at this time last year or so on? I’m just so hard on myself in my mind and don’t know what to do.

What he has done is have loads of good times and then as will happen, had a setback and has then started to fight to be right, he has questioned everything again. ‘Why was I better and now feel like this’ the crucial points where he felt bad has had him fear everything again, fight, question, he has not been willing to pass through them again. When you have had a period of feeling good it is even harder, we question it even more, we fight to be right even more, we become bewildered. We basically lose the tools that made us feel better in the first place. I keep repeating myself because I really want to get this through to people.

If you care how you feel at any given time then you will begin to fight and quesion it all over again.


If you have faith and don’t fight or run away it will pass, trust me it will. You will have bad days and times again, just again trust that it will pass, don’t fall into the trap of fighting or running away from how you feel.

All I did and what I others need to do is break the chain of anxiety. Feel awful, fight and question, feel good and get on with their day, feel bad, fight or run away again….etc..etc..Its like acting in a movie, it will get you so far, but you will not break the chain. I had loads of bad times that I had to not fight, question or run away from before things became easier. But each time gave me more confidence and it began to be automatic, it was my new habit, I did not have to walk around telling myself to do this or that, it just became natural not to fight or question, espcially at the crucial points when I felt at my worst. I had now built up the trust that it would always pass and that it was FINE to feel odd or lost, it did not matter, yes it was not nice, but it always passed and I needed to keep going through these times to reach my goals. When we try to constantly do something about how we fell or question, we are trying to do something about something that is totally normal in the circumstances, this is what I figured. I have anxiety, I have been through so much, I should feel odd at times, anxious, a little lost, why I am I constantly trying to fight this? Let it be and trust in my own body to bring me through.

Hope that helps people in some way.

For more help and advice please visit my main site

What do people think of a forum and a letter from the NHS

Saturday, April 5th, 2008

Well firstly the blog is out growing itself and with people commenting a lot I would like to put a suggestion forward. What would people think for a forum for us all? Someone said tonight we are a pretty tight bunch and I agree, not only that and I am repeating myself here but we have some wonderful, positive and helpful people comment on here. I do moderate the blog and I delete so many comments from people I think are trying to misuse it, people who offer the latest miracle cure, people who try to spam the blog, it filters a lot of crap out and keeps it clean.

I did actually put a forum up over a year ago and it was a nightmare, it was spammed, it was mis-used and to be honest was more hassle than it was worth. But I now have the tools to make it invitation only so it stays spam free. Not only that but it keeps it manageable and I want it to be a positive place, not only where we discuss things and support each other, but also where we can have a laugh and talk about other things, just a place for everyone to come to on a bad day for support, to share a good day, just as the blog has so far. What I don’t want is a forum with loads of conflicting advice, the latest medication, the latest miracle cures, the whole things about forums I don’t like. I would just like the people on here to have a place to hang out and chat. The blog is o.k to a point but I feel a forum run right would be really good. What I want though is opinions on this, if people would like it, then I will build one, if people are happy as it is then I won’t. So please give me your opinions.

O.k to finish here is an email I recieved today from a senior figure in the NHS who doctors refer to with anxiety.

Hi Paul,

I work as a support worker for the NHS, working in a Crisis mental health team in the community. We very often get referrals from GP’s and other services of people suffering from a personal crisis which we support in the community; quite a lot suffer from anxiety!
I am willing to purchase your book but if you have any other information that would be helpful in helping me treat my clients or advice would it would be very welcome.
My regards

Again someone being refered to someone from the NHS, the last port of call and they then have to ask me how to help them, you could not make it up, boy I hope one day they take this condition serious and actually put people in place that are qualified to help.

Well thats me for now, keep positive.